Bytes: FUNNY FRIDAY

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Some office related humour today, Byters, enjoy.

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SOME HUMOUR:

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I told my wife, “I won the Leslie Nielsen prize at the office today.”

Her: What’s that?

Me: It’s a place where people go to work, but that’s not important right now.

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I told my boss three companies were after me and I needed a raise to stay at my job. We haggled for a few minutes, and he gave me a 5% raise. Leaving his office, he stopped and asked me, "By the way, which companies are after you?" I responded,

"The gas, electric, and cable company."

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Suggested New Phrases For Your "Out-Of-The-Office" E-Mail Auto-Reply:

*I am currently out at a interview for a decent job and will reply to you if I fail to get the position. Be prepared for my mood.

*I'm not really out of the office. I'm just ignoring you!

*You are receiving this automatic notification because I am out of the office. If I was in, chances are you wouldn't have received anything at all.

*Sorry to have missed you but I am at the doctors having my brain removed so that I may be promoted to management

*I will be unable to delete all the unread, worthless emails you send me until I return from vacation on 20/9. Please be patient and your mail will be deleted in the order it was received.

*Thank you for your email. Your credit card has been charged £5.99 for the first ten words and £1.99 for each additional word in your message.

*Thank you for your message, which has been added to a queuing system. You are currently in 352nd place, and can expect to receive a reply in approximately 19 weeks.

*Please reply to this e-mail so I will know that you got this message.

*I am on holiday. Your e-mail has been deleted.

*Hi. I'm thinking about what you've just sent me. Please wait by your PC for my response.

*Hi! I'm busy negotiating the salary for my new job. Don't bother to leave me any messages.

*I've run away to join a different circus.

*I will be out of the office for the next 2 weeks for medical reasons. When I return, please refer to me as 'Davina' instead of 'Dave'.

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A guy walks in to a psychiatrist's office. The psychiatrist asks, "What seems to be the problem?"

The guy replies, "I just can't seem to make friends with anyone. Can you help me, you fat ugly bastard?"

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A married man was having an affair with his secretary. One day, their passions overcame them in the office and they took off for her house.

Exhausted from the afternoon's activities, they fell asleep and awoke at around 8 p.m. As the man threw on his clothes, he told the woman to take his shoes outside and rub them through the grass and dirt. Confused, she nonetheless complied and he slipped into his shoes and drove home.

"Where have you been?" demanded his wife when he entered the house.

"Darling," replied the man, "I can't lie to you. I've been having an affair with my secretary. I fell asleep in her bed and didn't wake up until eight o'clock."

The wife glanced down at his shoes and said, "You liar! You've been playing golf!"

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I was leaving the office the other day when I found The CEO standing in front of a shredder with a piece of paper in his hand.

Listen, he said, this is a very sensitive and important document, and my secretary has gone for the night. Can you make this thing work for me?

Sure, I said.

I turned the machine on, inserted the paper, and pressed the start button.

Excellent! He said as his paper disappeared into the machine. I just need one copy.

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There was a man who worked for the Post Office whose job was to process all the mail that had illegible addresses.

One day, a letter came addressed in a shaky handwriting to God with no address.

He thought he should open it to see what it was about.

The letter read: “Dear God, I am an 83-year-old widow, living on a very small pension. Yesterday someone stole my purse. It had $100 in it, which was all the money I had until my next pension check. Next Sunday is Christmas, and I had invited two of my friends over for dinner. Without that money, I have nothing to buy food with. I have no family to turn to, and you are my only hope. Can you please help me? Sincerely, Edna”

The postal worker was touched.

He showed the letter to all the other workers.

Each one dug into his or her wallet and came up with a few dollars.

By the time he made the rounds, he had collected $96, which they put into an envelope and sent to the woman.

The rest of the day, all the workers felt a warm glow thinking of Edna and the dinner she would be able to share with her friends.

Christmas came and went.

A few days later, another letter came from the same old lady to God.

All the workers gathered around while the letter was opened.

It read: “Dear God, How can I ever thank you enough for what you did for me? Because of your gift of love, I was able to fix a glorious dinner for my friends. We had a very nice day and I told my friends of your wonderful gift.

“By the way, there was $4 missing. I think it must have been those bastards at the Post Office!”

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