FUNNY FRIDAY

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Hello Byters.

Time is tight this time so all the humour is from the vault. Hope you find it enjoyable.

A caution: sa lot of risqué content included.

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A man received a notice from the tax office that he was being audited.

He asked his accountant what he should wear to the meeting with the tax office representative. The accountant said, "Wear your shabbiest clothing. Let them think you're poor."

The man asked his lawyer the same question. The lawyer said “No. No. Show them you're a successful professional. Wear your best suit and tie."

Confused, the man went to his rabbi and asked for advice.

"Let me tell you a story," the rabbi said.

"Last week I was to marry a young woman. She came to me and asked what she should wear to bed on her wedding night. Her mother had told her 'Wear a long flannel nightgown that goes right up to your neck. Make him realise how virtuous you are.' But her best friend said, 'Wear a sexy negligee.' My son, I am going to give you the same advice that I gave to her: ‘It doesn’t matter what you wear, you’re going to get fucked.’ “

__________

A small, elderly man slowly shuffled into an ice cream parlor and carefully pulled himself onto a stool at the counter, wincing the whole time.

After a moment of catching his breath and wiping his brow, he ordered a hot fudge sundae. Writing down his order, the waitress asked, "Crushed nuts?"

"No," he breathed wearily. "Rheumatism."

__________

A man attends confession and tells the priest that he used profane language while playing golf.

The priest asks him to explain the situation so he can decide on his punishment.

The man says “I sliced my drive badly into the trees”.

The priest says “And that’s when you swore.”

The man: “No, a rabbit picked up my ball and bounded away with it.”

Priest: “And that’s when you swore?”

Man: “No. An eagle swooped down, caught the rabbit and started flying away.”

Priest: “And that’s when you swore?”

Man: “No, Father, because the rabbit dropped the ball, it landed on the green and finished six inches from the hole."

Priest: “Don’t tell me you missed the fucking putt!!!”

__________

Two nuns are driving through the country when a little devil pops up and jumps on their bonnet.

One of the nuns is really nervous but the other says “Don't worry, wind down the window and show him your cross.”

So the nun winds down the window and calls out “Hey, shithead, get the fuck off my car!”

__________

Moses went back up the mountain and called to God: “Excuse me God. I just want to get this straight. The Arabs get the oil and we get to cut the ends off our what ??”

__________

A man was telling his neighbour, "I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but it's state of the art. It's perfect."

"Really," answered the neighbour. "What kind is it?"

"Twelve thirty."

__________

Sophia just got married, and being a traditional Italian was still a virgin. On her wedding night, staying at her mother's house, she was nervous. But mother reassured her. "Don't worry, Sophia. Luigi's a good man. Go upstairs, and he'll take care of you."

So up she went. When she got upstairs, Luigi took off his shirt and exposed his hairy chest. Sophia ran downstairs to her mother and says, "Mama, Mama, Luigi's got a big hairy chest."

"Don't worry, Sophia", says the mother, "All good men have hairy chests. Go upstairs. He'll take good care of you."

So, up she went again. When she got up in the bedroom, Luigi took off his pants exposing his hairy legs. Again Sophia ran downstairs to her mother. "Mama, Mama, Luigi took off his pants, and he's got hairy legs!"

"Don't worry. All good men have hairy legs. Luigi's a good man. Go upstairs, and he'll take good care of you."

So, up she went again. When she got up there, Luigi took off his socks, and on his left foot he was missing three toes. When Sophia saw this, she ran downstairs. "Mama, Mama, Luigi's got a foot and a half!"

"Stay here and stir the pasta", says the mother. "This is a job for Mama!"

__________

One day in Sunday school, the teacher was talking about Jesus to the kids.

"Bobby, where is Jesus?" asked the teacher.

"Jesus is in heaven." replied Bobby.

"Very good!" said the teacher.

The teacher then asked a little girl," Where is Jesus, Emily?"

Emily said innocently, "Jesus is in my heart!"

The teacher beamed at little Emily and said, "How very sweet."

The teacher now asked Timmy, "Timmy, where is Jesus?"

"Jesus is in my bathroom" he said assuredly.

"Please elaborate, Timmy” the teacher said.

Timmy then replied, "Well, every morning my Dad gets up, bangs on the bathroom door and yells ‘Jesus Christ, are you still in there?!!’ ”

__________

What is the difference between a wife and a girlfriend?

About 45 pounds.

What's the difference between a husband and a boyfriend?

45 minutes.

__________

My doctor wrote me a prescription for "dailysex"...

But the wife had to break it to me that it was actually for "dyslexia".

Did you hear about the dyslexic insomniac agnostic?

He stayed up all night wondering if there really is a dog.

What does DNA stand for?

National Dyslexics Association

Dyslexics of the world: UNTIE!

I came home from work tonight to find a note from my girlfriend which said, "I'm leaving you because you're so stupid and bigoted."

Well I'm not stupid, I'm just dyslexic.

And I can't help it if I have big toes.

Have you heard about the dyslexic devil worshipper who sold his soul to Santa?

I saw my friend stood outside the Doctor's today. He looked really worried and upset so I asked him, "What's the matter?"

He replied, "I've got the big C."

I was shocked. "What, cancer?" I asked.

"No, dyslexia."

These jokes are the property of the National Dyslexic Association.

All rights reversed.

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Some wordplay limericks . . .

An old couple living in Gloucester

Had a beautiful girl, but they loucester;

She fell from a yacht,

And never the spacht

Could be found where the cold waves had toucester.

A young man of Gloucester named Foucester,

Had a wife who ran off with a coucester.

He traced her to Leicester,

And tried to arreicester,

But in spite of these efforts he loucester.

"Worcester" is prounounced "Wooster":

There was a young lady of Worcester,

Who dreamt that a rooster seduced her.

She woke with a scream,

But 'twas only a dream,

A lump in the mattress had gorcester.

"Leicester" is pronounced "Lester":

At the bar in the old inn at Leicester

Was a beautiful bar-maid named Heicester;

She gave to each guest

Only what was the buest,

And they all, with one accord, bleicester.

"Salisbury" is also called "Sarem", the way that many people pronounce “Salisbury.” “Hants” is to the Brits a familiar abbreviation of "Hampshire":

There was a young vicar from Salisbury

Whose manners were quite halisbury-scalisbury.

He went around Hampshire

without any pampshire

'til his bishop compelled him to walisbury.

A Belgian place name "Bruges" is pronounced to rhyme with "huge".

There once was a duchess from Bruges

Whose vag was amazingly huge.

Said the King to this dame

As he thunderously came,

“Mon Dieu! Apres moi, le deluge!”

The phrase “Après moi, le déluge” (“After me, the deluge" or "After me, the flood!") is attributed to the King of France Louis XV (1710-1774).

There are two interpretations as to its meaning:

“After me the deluge will come”, meaning “After my reign, the nation will be plunged into chaos and destruction.”

“After me, let the deluge come (it can come, but it makes no difference to me).” In this second case, the speaker asserts that nothing that happens after his disappearance matters to him.

Classical scholars favour the second interpretation.

Fifteen years after the King’s death, the French Revolution (1789-1799) took place, which cost the life of his grandson and successor, Louis XVI.