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As always, hope you enjoy.
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SOME HUMOUR:
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Remember one thing kids: measure twice, cut once.
At least that's what the mohel told me.
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I hate that SEPTember, OCTober, NOVember, and DECember aren't the 7th, 8th, 9th, and 10th months......
Whoever fucked this up should be stabbed!
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The following is an American adaptation of Frank Kelly’s Irish ‘Christmas Countdown’, about the twelve days of Christmas. I will get back to that after the below version.
The 12 days of Christmas
Dearest John,
I went to the door today and the postman delivered a partridge in a pear tree. What a delightful gift. I couldn't have been more surprised.
With dearest love and affection, Agnes
December 15th
Dearest John,
Today the postman brought your very sweet gift. Just imagine, two turtle doves.... I'm just delighted at your very thoughtful gift. They are just adorable.
All my love, Agnes
December 16th
Dear John,
Oh, aren't you the extravagant one! Now I must protest. I don't deserve such generosity. Three French hens. They are just darling but I must insist.... you're just too kind.
Love Agnes
December 17th
Today the postman delivered four calling birds. Now really! They are beautiful, but don't you think enough is enough? You're being too romantic.
Affectionately, Agnes
December 18th
Dearest John,
What a surprise! Today the postman delivered five golden rings. One for each finger. You're just impossible, but I love it. Frankly, John, all those squawking birds were beginning to get on my nerves.
All my love, Agnes
December 19th
Dear John,
When I opened the door there were actually six geese a-laying on my front steps. So you're back to the birds again, huh? Those geese are huge. Where will I ever keep them? The neighbours are complaining and I can't sleep through the racket. PLEASE STOP!
Cordially, Agnes
December 20th
John
What's with you and those fucking birds???? Seven swans a-swimming. What kind of goddam joke is this? There's bird shit all over the house and they never stop the racket. I'm a nervous wreck and I can't sleep all night. IT'S NOT FUNNY....... So stop with the fucking birds.
Sincerely, Agnes
December 21st
OK Buster:
I think I prefer the birds. What the hell am I going to do with eight maids a-milking? It's not enough with all those birds and eight maids a-milking, but they had to bring their own goddam cows. There is shit all over the lawn and I can't move in my own house. Just lay off me. SMART ASS.
Ag
December 22nd
Hey Shithead:
What are you? Some kind of sadist? Now there's nine pipers playing. And Christ - do they play. They never stopped chasing those maids since they got here yesterday morning. The cows are upset and stepping all over those screeching birds. No wonder they screech. What am I going to do? The neighbours have started a petition to evict me. You'll get yours.
From Ag
December 23rd
You Rotten Prick:
Now there's ten ladies dancing - I don't know why I call those sluts ladies. They've been balling those nine pipers all night long. Now the cows can't sleep and they've got diarrhea. My living room is a river of shit. The Commisioner of Buildings has subpoenaed me to give cause why the building shouldn't be condemned. I'm siccing the police on you.
One who means it, Ag
December 24th
Listen Fuckhead:
What's with the eleven lords a-leaping on those maids and aforementioned "ladies"? Some of those broads will never walk again. Those pipers ran through the maids and have been committing sodomy with the cows. All 234 of the birds are dead. They have been trampled to death in the orgy. I hope you're satisfied, you rotten swine.
Your sworn enemy, Miss Agnes McCallister
Law Offices of Taeker, Spredar, and Baegar
303 Knave Street
Chicago, IL
25 December
Dear Sir:
This is to acknowledge your latest gift of twelve fiddlers fiddling, which you have seen fit to inflict on our client, Miss Agnes McCallister. The destruction, of course, was total. All correspondence should come to our attention. If you should attempt to reach Miss McCallister at Happy Dale Sanitarium, the attendants have instructions to shoot you on sight.
With this letter, please find attached a warrant for your arrest.
Cordially,
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The Frank Kelly version can be heard by clicking on:
Those who would like to read it, or follow it as they listen, can do so with the below transcript, which has been previously posted in Bytes:
Day One
Dear Nuala,
Thank you very much for your lovely present of a partridge in a pear-tree.
We're getting the hang of feeding the partridge now, although it was difficult at first to win its confidence.
It bit the mother rather badly on the hand but they're good friends now and we're keeping the pear-tree indoors in a bucket.
Thank you again
Yours affectionately, Gobnait O'Lúnasa
Day Two
Dear Nuala,
I cannot tell you how surprised we were to hear from you so soon again and to receive your lovely present of two turtle doves.
You really are too kind.
At first the partridge was very jealous and suspicious of the doves and they had a terrible row the night the doves arrived
We had to send for the vet but the birds are okay again and the stitches are due to come out in a week or two.
The vet's bill was 8 pounds but the mother is over her annoyance now and the doves and the partridge are watching the telly from the pear-tree as I write.
Yours ever, Gobnait
Day Three
Dear Nuala,
We must be foremost in your thoughts.
I had only posted my letter when the three French hens arrived.
There was another sort-out between the hens and the doves, who sided with the partridge, and the vet had to be sent for again.
The mother was raging because the bill was 16 pounds this time but she has almost cooled down.
However, the fact that the birds' droppings keep falling down on her hair while she's watching the telly, doesn't help matters.
Thanking you for your kindness.
I remain, your Gobnait
Day Four
Dear Nuala,
You mustn't have received my last letter when you were sending us the four calling birds There was pandemonium in the pear-tree again last night and the vet's bill was 32 pounds.
The mother is on sedation as I write.
I know you meant no harm and remain your close friend.
Gobnauit
Day Five
Nuala,
Your generosity knows no bounds.
Five gold rings! When the parcel arrived I was scared stiff that it might be more birds, because the smell in the living-room is atrocious.
However, I don't want to seem ungrateful for the beautiful rings.
Your affectionate friend, Gobnait
Day Six
Nuala,
What are you trying to do to us? It isn't that we don't appreciate your generosity but the six geese a laying have not alone nearly murdered the calling birds but they laid their eggs on top of the vet's head from the pear-tree and his bill was 68 pounds in cash !
My mother is munching 60 grains of Valium a day and talking to herself in a most alarming way.
You must keep your feelings for me in check
Gobnait
Day Seven
Nuala,
We are not amused by your little joke.
Seven swans-a-swimming is a most romantic idea but not in the bath of a private house.
We cannot use the bathroom now because they've gone completely savage and rush the door every time we try to enter.
If things go on this way, the mother and I will smell as bad as the living-room carpet.
Please lay off. It is not fair.
Gobnait
Day Eight
Nuala,
Who the hell do you think gave you the right to send eight, hefty maids-a-milking here, to eat us out of house and home?
Their cattle are all over the front lawn and have trampled the hell out of the mother's rose-beds.
The swans invaded the living-room in a sneak attack and the ensuing battle between them and the calling birds, Turtle doves, French hens and partridge make the battle of the Somme seem like Wanderly Wagon.
The mother is on a bottle of whiskey a day, as well as the sixty grains of Valium.
I'm very annoyed with you
Gobnait
Day Nine
Listen you looser!
There's enough pandemonium in this place night and day without nine drummers drumming, while the eight flaming maids-a-milking are beating my poor, old alcoholic mother out of her own kitchen and gobbling everything in sight.
I'm warning you, you're making an enemy of me.
Gobnait
Day Ten
Listen manure-face, I hope you'll be haunted by the strains of ten pipers piping which you sent to torment us last night.
They were aided in their evil work by those maniac drummers and it wasn't a pleasant sight to look out the window and see eight hefty maids-a-milking pogo-ing around with the ensuing punk-rock uproar.
My mother has just finished her third bottle of whiskey, on top of a hundred and twenty four grains of Valium.
You'll get yours!
Gobnait O'Lúnasa
Day Eleven
You have scandalised my mother, you dirty Jezebel.
It was bad enough to have eight maids-a-milking dancing to punk music on the front lawn but they've now been joined by your friends the eleven Lords-a-leaping and the antics of the whole lot of them would leave the most decadent days of the Roman Empire looking like Outlook.
I'll get you yet, you loud bag!
Day Twelve
Listen slurry head, you have ruined our lives.
The twelve maidens dancing turned up last night and beat the living daylights out of the eight maids-a-milking, 'cause they found them carrying on with the eleven Lords-a-leaping.
Meanwhile, the swans got out of the living-room, where they'd been hiding since the big battle, and savaged hell out of the Lords and all the Maids.
There were eight ambulances here last night, and the local Civil Defence as well.
The mother is in a home for the bewildered and I'm sitting here, up to my neck in birds' droppings, empty whiskey and Valium bottles, birds' blood and feathers, while the flaming cows eat the leaves off the pear-tree
I'm a broken man
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An old prospector shuffled into the town of El Indio, Texas leading an old tired mule.
The old man headed straight for the only saloon in town, to clear his parched throat.
He walked up to the saloon and tied his old mule to the hitch rail.
As he stood there, brushing some of the dust from his face and clothes, a young gunslinger stepped out of the saloon with a gun in one hand and a bottle of whiskey in the other.
The young gunslinger looked at the old man and laughed, saying, "Hey old man, have you ever danced?"
The old man looked up at the gunslinger and said, "No, I never did dance .... never really wanted to."
A crowd had gathered as the gunslinger grinned and said, "Well, you old fool, you're gonna dance now," and started shooting at the old man's feet.
The old prospector, not wanting to get a toe blown off, started hopping around like a flea on a hot skillet.
Everybody was laughing, fit to be tied. When his last bullet had been fired, the young gunslinger, still laughing, holstered his gun and turned around to go back into the saloon.
The old man turned to his pack mule, pulled out a double-barrelled shotgun, and cocked both hammers. The loud clicks carried clearly through the desert air.
The crowd stopped laughing immediately. The young gunslinger heard the sounds too, and he turned around very slowly. The silence was almost deafening.
The crowd watched as the young gunman stared at the old timer and the large gaping holes of those twin 10 gauge barrels. The barrels of the shotgun never wavered in the old man's hands, as he quietly said, "Son, have you ever kissed a mule's arse?"
The gunslinger swallowed hard and said, "No sir ... but... I've always wanted to."
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LIMERICK OF THE WEEK:
There was a young girl of Bavaria
Who thought her disease was malaria,
But the family doc
Explained to her shock.
“It began in your genital area.”
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RELIGION SPOT
Two hardcore trump supporters die and ascend to heaven.
God meets them at the pearly gates and asks if they have any questions. One of them says, “yes, what were the real results of the 2020 election and who was behind the fraud?”.
God says, "my son, there was no fraud. Biden won the electoral college fair and square, 306 to 232”.
After a few seconds of stunned silence, the one guy turns to the other and whispers, “This goes higher up than we thought”.
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CORN CORNER:
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I told my British friend I woke up with a bloody nose.
He said "everyone has a nose you bloody twat"
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My wife asked, "Why don't you treat me like you did when we first met?" So, I took her to dinner and a movie.
Then I dropped her off at her parents.
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I asked my boss, “Can I get two weeks off in December?”
Boss: It’s May.
Me: Sorry. May I get two weeks off in December?
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One day God calls down to Noah and says, "Noah me old mate, I want you to make me a new Ark".
Noah replies, "No probs God, me old Supreme Being, anything you want after all you're the boss...
But God interrupts, "Ah, but there's a catch. This time, I do not want just a couple of decks, I want 20 decks one on top of the other".
"20 DECKS!", screams Noah. "Well, OK Big Man, whatever you say. Should I fill it up with all the animals just like last time?"
"Yep, that's right, well . . sort of right . . this time I want you to fill it up with fish", God answers.
"Fish?" queries Noah.
"Yep, fish . . well, to make it more specific Noah, I want carp wall to wall, floor to ceiling Carp!"
Noah looks to the skies. "OK God my old mucker, let me get this right, You want a New Ark?"
"Check".
"With 20 decks, one on top of the other?"
"Check".
"And you want it full of Carp?".
"Check."
"Why?" asks the perplexed Noah, who was slowly but surely getting to the end of his tether..........
"Dunno", says God, "I just fancied a Multi-Storey Carp Ark."
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