Funny Friday

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It’s Friday once again, readers, so the weekend’s not far off. Here are some miscellaneous smiles and giggles to help speed the journey.

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A contribution from John P:

For those of us over 60 - this is a great exercise regimen - for you youngsters out there (under 60), just keep it in mind until you reach that magic 60 number!

Begin by standing on a comfortable surface, where you have plenty of room on each side. With a 5kg potato bag in each hand, extend your arms straight out from your sides. Hold them there as long as you can. Try to reach a full minute, and then relax. Each day you'll find that you can hold this position for just a bit longer.

After a couple of weeks, move up to 10kg potato bags. Then try 50kg potato bags, and then eventually, try to get to where you can lift a 100kg potato bag in each hand and hold your arms straight for more than a full minute.

After you feel confident at that level, put a potato in each bag.

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REJECTED NURSEY RHYMES

JACK AND JILL 

Went up the hill 

To have a little fun. 

Stupid Jill Forgot the pill 

And now they have a son. 

MARY HAD A LITTLE LAMB 

Her father shot it dead 

Now it goes to school with her, 

Between two chunks of bread. 

LITTLE MISS MUFFET 

Sat on a tuffet, 

Her clothes all tattered and torn. 

It had not been the spider 

that crept up beside her 

But Little Boy Blue and his horn. 

SIMPLE SIMON 

Met a Pieman going to the fair 

Said Simple Simon to the Pieman 

"What have you got there?" 

Said the Pieman unto Simon 

"Pies, you dumbass!" 

HUMPTY DUMPTY 

Sat on a wall 

Humpty Dumpty had a great fall 

All the king's horses and all the king's men 

Had scrambled eggs for breakfast again. 

HEY DIDDLE, DIDDLE, 

The cat did a piddle, 

All over the bedside clock. 

The little dog laughed to see such fun 

When it died of electric shock. 

GEORGIE PORGY 

Pudding and Pie 

Kissed the girls and made them cry. 

When the boys came out to play 

He kissed them too, 'cause he was gay. 

THERE WAS A LITTLE GIRL 

who had a little curl! 

Right in the middle of her forehead 

And when she was good, 

She was very, very good 

But when she was bad 

she got a Fur coat, jewels, and a sports car.

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A man walked into a bar, leading an alligator by a leash. He asked the bartender, "Do you serve lawyers here?" "Sure do," said the bartender. "Good," replied the man. "Give me a beer, and I'll have a lawyer for my 'gator."

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Thirteen Rabbis were on their way to Jerusalem when their flight ran into a big thunderstorm. One of the Rabbis immediately called over a stewardess. Wanting to calm her nerves, he said, "Could you please tell the pilot that everything will be all right because there are 13 very religious men aboard this plane." 

A few minutes later, the stewardess returned from the cockpit. 

She told the Rabbi, "Our pilot said that although he was pleased to learn that we have 13 holy men aboard this flight, he would still rather have just one good engine."

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Gallery:

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Corn Corner:

Robin: Batman, I can't get the Batmobile to start

Batman: Have you tried replacing the battery?

Robin: What's a tery?

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From Leo:

A Wife asks her husband, "Could you please go shopping for me and buy a carton of milk and if they have avocados, get 6. A short time later the husband comes back with 6 cartons of milk. The wife asks him, "Why did you buy 6 cartons of milk?" He replied, "They had avocados"

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3 cop stories, reputedly true:

#3:

A policeman had a perfect spot to watch for speeders, but wasn't getting many. Then he discovered the problem-a 10-year old boy was standing up the road with a hand painted sign which read

"RADAR TRAP AHEAD." The officer then found a young accomplice down the road with a sign reading "TIPS" and a bucket full of change. 

#2:

A motorist was mailed a picture of his car speeding through an automated radar. A $40 speeding ticket was included. Being cute, he sent the police department a picture of $40. The police responded with another mailed photo of handcuffs.

#1:

A young woman was pulled over for speeding. As the motorcycle officer walked to her car window and flipped open his ticket book, she said, "I bet you are going to sell me a ticket to the Highway Patrolmen's Ball." He replied, "Highway patrolmen don't have balls." There was a moment of silence while she smiled, and he realized what he'd just said. He then closed his book, got back on his motorcycle and left. 

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