Funny Friday

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The last Funny Friday of January and a cocktail of humour today . . .  as always, enjoy.

Caution though: risque content included.
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A variation on an oldie: 

Three couples went in to see the minister to see how to become members of his church. The minister said that they would have to go without sex for two weeks and then come back and tell him how it went. 

The first couple was retired, the second couple was middle-aged and the final couple was newlywed. 

Two weeks went by and the couples returned to the minister. The retired couple said it was no problem at all. The middle-aged couple said it was tough for the first week, but after that, it was no problem. The newlyweds said it was fine until she dropped the can of paint. 

"Can of PAINT!" exclaimed the minister. 

"Yeah," said the newlywed man. "She dropped the can and when she bent over to pick it up I had to have her right there and then. Lust took over." 

The minister just shook his head and said that they were not welcome in the church. 

"That's okay," said the man. "We're not welcome in Home Depot again either." 

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Q: There are 500 bricks on a plane. One falls off. How many are left?

A: 499

Q: What are the three steps to putting an elephant in the fridge?

A: Open door, put elephant in, close door.

Q: What are the 4 steps to putting a giraffe in the fridge?

A: Open door, take elephant out, put giraffe in, close door.

Q: The Lion King is having a birthday party. All the animals attend but one. Which animal is it, and why?

A: Giraffe. He's stuck in a fridge.

Q: Sally wants to cross an alligator infested river. There's no bridge and the only way she can get across is by swimming. She swims across and makes it to the other side safely. Why?

A: The alligators are all at a birthday party.

Q: Sally dies anyways. Why?

A: She got hit in the head by a flying brick. 

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I have an EpiPen. My friend gave it to me when he was dying, it seemed very important to him that I have it. 

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The Pope calls a meeting of all the cardinals. When they have all assembled at the Vatican, he takes them into the meeting hall and states, "I have some really fantastic news and some very terrible news." Of course, all the cardinals want to hear the good news first, so the Pope tells them, "Jesus Christ has returned to the world. The time of judgement is at hand, and our faith in his existence is justified." After the commotion dies down a bit, one of the cardinals speaks up, asking what the terrible news is. The Pope replies, "He was calling from Salt Lake City." 

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Gallery: 

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Limerick of the Week: 

On the chest of a barmaid at Yale, 

Were tattooed the prices of ale. 

And on her behind, 

For the sake of the blind, 

Was the same information in braille. 

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Corn Corner: 

Just bought some 007 Viagra... 

Apparently it makes you Roger more! 

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Never trust atoms, they make up everything. 

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I couldn't work out how to fasten my seatbelt. Then it clicked. 

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I've accidentally swallowed some Scrabble tiles. 

My next crap could spell disaster.