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Today is Friday, the end of the week and
close to the end of the year. Christmas
is coming, the goose is getting fat . .
.
By the way:
That line comes from an old children’s nursery
rhyme that was later turned into a song:
Christmas is coming,
The goose is getting fat;
Please put a penny
In the old man’s hat.
If you haven’t got a penny,
A ha’penny will do;
If you haven’t got a ha’penny
God bless you.
Even if you haven’t got a ha’penny
(translation: half penny, pronounced hay-penny), here is some humour for free
to bring a smile, perhaps even a laugh or two.
Today’s theme is screwdrivers, only because
I didn’t think it was possible to extract humour from so mundane an item.
As the word suggests, however, there is
some risquΓ© content ahead.
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SOME HUMOUR . . .
What's the difference between Bill
Clinton and a screwdriver?
A screwdriver turns in screws, Bill Clinton
screws interns.
--------oOo-------
A screwdriver walks into a bar.. .
bartender says, we have a drink named
after you, to which the screwdriver responds "You have a drink named Eric?"
--------oOo-------
A journalist goes to a poor remote
village for a documentary.
He saw an old man and asked him to
narrate a typical happy story of his village.
The old man smiled and began: "One
day, a long time ago, my goat got lost in the mountains. As is our tradition,
all the men of the village gathered to drink vodka first and then looked for
the goat. When we finally found her, as is our tradition, we all drank some
more vodka and all the men in the village each got their turn to mate with the
goat. We had so much fun that day!"
The journalist realized that he couldn't
publish such a story so he asked the old man if he had another happy story.
The old man smiled again and started all
over again: "Once, my neighbour’s wife got lost in the mountains. As per
our tradition, all of the village's men gathered to drink vodka and then went
to look for her. As is our tradition, when we finally found her, all the men in
the village got their turn to mate with the neighbour’s wife. We had great fun
that day!"
The journalist couldn't publish that
story either and therefore asked: "Don't you have a story that is less
happy; something... umm ... sadder?"
The old man's smile faded. His eyes
welled up..... In a sad, soft voice he began:
“One day I got lost in the
mountains.....”
------πππ----
FROM THE VAULT . . .
Morris, 86 years old, walked into a crowded
doctor's surgery. As he approached the desk, the receptionist said, "Yes
sir, how can we help you today?"
"There's something wrong with my
penis," Morris says aloud.
The receptionist was quite shocked at his
reply and said, "You shouldn't come into a crowded surgery and talk that
way."
"Why not?" said Morris, "you
asked me what was wrong and I told you."
The receptionist replied, "But you've
caused some embarrassment – this room is full of people. You should have said
there is something wrong with your ear or something and then discussed the real
problem with the doctor in private."
So Morris walked out, waited several minutes
and came in again.
The receptionist smiled and said, "Yes
sir, how can we help you today?"
"There's something wrong with my
ear," Morris replied.
The receptionist nodded approvingly and
smiled, knowing Morris had taken her advice. "And what is wrong with your
ear, sir?"
"I can't piss out of it," Morris
replied.
------πππ------
LIMERICK OF THE WEEK . . .
Another original by moi:
Trump’s aims exceeded his reach
As they now look on if to impeach,
“You don’t get the dough
‘Cept for dirt quid pro quo”
Doesn’t fall within freedom of speech.
------πππ----
GALLERY . . .
------πππ----
CORN CORNER:
A guy walks
into a bar holding a screwdriver over his head.
"Ladies
and gentlemen!" he yells. "This is not a drill!"
--------oOo-------
A large
semiaquatic rodent with webbed hind feet and a broad flat tail walks into a bar
carrying a hammer and screwdriver.
He starts
working on various wobbly bar stools, wonky tables, stuck doors, sagging rails
and so on, fixing misalignments and straightening everything up, all the while
humming and singing under his breath.
After several
minutes of careful work to get everything straight and level he finishes up,
takes one last look around, flicks his tail over his shoulder and leaves the
taproom.
A man at the
bar has been watching the whole time and turns to the barman in amazement.
"I've never seen anything like that before," he says. "Who was
that?"
"Surprised
you never heard of him," answered the barman. "That was Adjustin'
Beaver."
--------oOo-------
What do you
call a bottle that eats pliers, screwdrivers, and hammers?
A tool eater
bottle.
------πππ----
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