EXTRACT FOR THE DAY

 

5 x 5: BOOKS - WATERSHIP DOWN

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WATERSHIP DOWN

Watership Down is an adventure novel by English author Richard Adams (1920-2016), published in 1972. Set in Hampshire in southern England, the story features a small group of rabbits. Although they live in their natural wild environment, with burrows, they possess their own culture, language, proverbs, poetry, and mythology. Evoking epic themes, the novel follows the rabbits as they escape the destruction of their warren and seek a place to establish a new home (the hill of Watership Down), encountering perils and temptations along the way.

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Facts:

1.

This debut novel by Adams (then aged 54 and a civil servant), was originally called Hazel and Fiver and was rejected by 7 publishers before being published by Rex Collings, a one-man publishing outfit in London. Collings wrote to a friend at the time, “I’ve just taken on a novel about rabbits, one of them with extra-sensory perception. Do you think I’m mad?” He also changed the title to Watership Down, the place where the rabbits resettle. ('Watership' derives from Old English, meaning 'a body of water, a piece of water’; 'down' has the meaning of a hill). The book was a smash hit and won numerous prizes.

Richard Adams

2.

Adams told the BBC in 2007 that the story started on a long car ride: He and his two daughters were going to Stratford-upon-Avon to see Judi Dench in a production of Twelfth Night. His elder daughter demanded a story to pass the time. "This called for spontaneity, it had to, and I just began off the top of my head: 'Once upon a time there were two rabbits, called eh, let me see, Hazel and Fiver, and I'm going to tell you about some of their adventures,'” he explained. “What followed was really the essence of Watership Down.” The story continued over the next few months during the morning school run; Adams told The Telegraph in 2014 that he’d go to bed forming the narrative in his mind, ready to tell the girls the next morning. In a way, the continually-forming story was Adams’ attempt to be a constant, steady presence in his daughters’ lives: “I’ve got a thing about that. Parents ought to spend a lot of time in their children’s company. A lot of them don’t, you know.”

3.

The rabbits were in fact modeled after WWII officers. Lieutenant Richard Adams commanded C Platoon in 250 Company’s Seaborn Echelon, and, as he wrote in his autobiography, he based Watership Down and the stories in it around the men of the 250 Airborne Light Company RASC—specifically, on their role in the battle of Arnhem. The battle, fought over nine days in September 1944 in and around the Dutch towns of Arnhem, Oosterbeek, Driel, and Wolfheze, resulted in devastating losses for the Allied forces, including in Adams’ company. Adams says that two characters were directly drawn from life. Hazel was inspired by Adams’ commanding officer, Major John Gifford, a man he described as “brave in the most self-effacing way” and an “excellent organiser” who rarely raised his voice, adding, “Everything about him was quiet, crisp and unassuming.” Gifford survived the war; Captain Desmond “Paddy” Kavanagh, on whom warrior Bigwig was modeled, did not. Daring, debonair Kavanagh was, Adams wrote, “afraid of nothing,” a “sensationalist,” and “by nature entirely the public’s image of a parachute officer.” He was killed in action outside Oosterbeek while providing covering fire for his platoon, at just 25 years old. As for Adams, he said in 2014 that he identifies more with Fiver: “Rather timid and not much of a fighter … but able to contribute something in the way of intuitive knowledge.”

4.

Before Watership Down, Adams hadn’t written a word. In an interview with The Guardian in 2015, he said, “I was 52 when I discovered I could write. I wish I’d known a bit earlier. I never thought of myself as a writer until I became one.” But Adams also acknowledges that nothing he’s done since has matched the power of his debut: “I try to look at it in a positive way, to say to myself, ‘Look at Watership Down – if you can do that, you can do any ruddy thing.’ Of course you can’t expect to have another success like that, but it does give you the confidence and the enjoyment to go on writing.”

5.

Watership Down has never been nationally banned in the United States. However, it has been banned by individual schools because of its violent content. Even though it is a novel about rabbits, it addresses dark topics like suicide, prejudice, and genocide. However, on the flip side, Watership Down symbolises the struggle to build a just society in a world where leaders all too often value their own power and egos over the safety and happiness of their followers.

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BOOK EXTRACT

From The Wind in the Willows, by Kenneth Grahame

'There's only one thing more to be done,' continued the gratified Badger. 'Toad, I want you solemnly to repeat, before your friends here, what you fully admitted to me in the smoking-room just now. First, you are sorry for what you've done, and you see the folly of it all?'

There was a long, long pause. Toad looked desperately this way and that, while the other animals waited in grave silence. At last he spoke.

'No!' he said, a little sullenly, but stoutly; 'I'm not sorry. And it wasn't folly at all! It was simply glorious!'

'What?' cried the Badger, greatly scandalised. 'You backsliding animal, didn't you tell me just now, in there - - '

'Oh, yes, yes, in there,' said Toad impatiently. 'I'd have said anything in there. You're so eloquent, dear Badger, and so moving, and so convincing, and put all your points so frightfully well— you can do what you like with me in there, and you know it. But I've been searching my mind since, and going over things in it, and I find that I'm not a bit sorry or repentant really, so it's no earthly good saying I am; now, is it?'

'Then you don't promise,' said the Badger, 'never to touch a motor-car again?'

'Certainly not!' replied Toad emphatically. 'On the contrary, I faithfully promise that the very first motor-car I see, poop- poop! off I go in it!'

5 x 5: BOOKS - THE WIND IN THE WILLOWS

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5 facts about 5 books.

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For the next 5 days I am posting single instalments of 5 x 5 regarding some of my favourite books. Plus an extract or quote from each book.

Books have, for younger people at least, given way, to e-books, social media and videos. They no longer know the joy and satisfaction that comes from being absorbed in a good book, of wanting to continue reading despite the early hours and having to go to work.

If you agree with my 5 x 5, disagree, wish to comment, drop me a line by email.

If you haven’t read the subject books, I recommend doing so.

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Book 1:

THE WIND IN THE WILLOWS

The cover art for the first edition release of The Wind in the Willows

A classic children's novel by the British novelist Kenneth Grahame (1859-1932) first published in 1908. It details the story of Mole, Ratty, and Badger as they try to help Mr. Toad, after he becomes obsessed with motorcars and gets into trouble. It also details short stories about them that are disconnected from the main narrative.

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Facts:

1.

In 1899, at age 40, Kenneth Grahame married Elspeth Thomson and the next year they had their only child, a boy named Alastair (nicknamed "Mouse"). He was born premature, blind in one eye, and plagued by health problems until his death at age 20. When Alastair was about four years old, Grahame would tell him bedtime stories, some of which were about a toad, and on his frequent boating holidays without his family he would write further tales of Toad, Mole, Ratty, and Badger in letters to Alastair. The stories were further developed in letters Graham wrote while he was alone on boating vacations.

2.

In 1908, Grahame took early retirement from his position as secretary of the Bank of England. He moved with his wife and son to an old farmhouse in Blewbury, Berkshire. There, he used the bedtime stories he had told Alastair as a basis for the manuscript of The Wind in the Willows.

Kenneth Graham

Alistair Graham

3.

While he was in office, U.S. president Theodore Roosevelt wrote to Grahame to tell him that he saw the novel’s principal characters—Mole, Ratty, Toad, and Badger—as “old friends.”

4.

Kenneth Grahame died in 1932, a broken-hearted man of 73, who hadn’t written anything of note since The Wind In The Willows was published in 1908. His broken heart was from the death of Alistair, the two being buried in the same cemetery in Oxford.

5.

Mouse committed suicide 12 years before his father’s death, aged 20, prompted by his health problems, a fragile and nervous disposition, his finding it difficult to cope with his father’s immense fame and his father’s unrealistic expectations of him. His father was always a distant figure, incapable of demonstrating love to both his wife and his son. The evening of his death, Mouse made his way down to the Thames (ironically the home of Ratty, Toad and Mole). There he lay down on the railway track running across Port Meadow and awaited the train that ended his misery. His death did at least bring one consolation; in recognition of his suffering, Oxford University, for the first time, made special provision for disabled students.

Kenneth Graham

Alastair Graham

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THOUGHT FOR THE DAY

 

BADASSES

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The US word ‘badass’ can mean different things in different contexts: brave, tough, mean, cool and so on. 

Perhaps we can stay with the comment about the rhinoceros: hard to describe but you know one when you see one.

Here is a bio about a true badass . . .

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Chaplain Robert Preston Taylor

Chaplain (Major General) Robert Preston Taylor, USAF (1909 – 1997) was an American military officer who served as the 3rd Chief of Chaplains of the United States Air Force.

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Why he was a badass:

Taylor enlisted as a chaplain in the US army in September 1940, his unit being located in Manila in the Philippines. With the declaration of war and invasion by the Japanese, the Philippine Division was transferred to the front lines on the Peninsula of Bataan. Chaplain

Bataan:

The Battle of Bataan (January 7 – April 9, 1942) was fought by the United States and the Philippine Commonwealth against Imperial Japan, the most intense phase of the Japanese invasion of the Philippines during World War II. Under General Douglas MacArthur, he Bataan Peninsula and the island of Corregidor were the only remaining Allied strongholds in the region.

During the Battle of Bataan, America’s first major loss in the Pacific theatre of World War II, Taylor supported the U.S. combatants as they endured disease, starvation, supply issues, and traumatic devastating bombardment. Seemingly abandoned by their country that didn’t get them the supplies or reinforcements they needed, American defenders in Bataan were beset by malaria and other tropical illnesses and subsisted on whatever food they could get their hands on — scraps of rice, monkey, meat, dogs, rats, and slugs. Meanwhile every morning ushered in a fresh barrage from the attacking Japanese. There, during the months long battle, Taylor won a Silver Star for rushing into open fire to evacuate wounded men.

The American surrender at Bataan to the Japanese after three months of fighting, with 76,000 soldiers surrendering in the Philippines altogether, was the largest in American and Filipino military histories and was the largest United States surrender since the American Civil War's Battle of Harpers Ferry.

The invading Japanese controlled the Philippine media, which portrayed imperial forces as helpful liberators. This front page from the Manila Tribune claimed that Japanese occupation will bring peace and tranquility to the Philippines, April 24, 1942. 

U.S. soldiers and sailors surrendering to Japanese forces at Corregidor, May 1942. Captured Japanese photograph

Bataan Death March:

The Bataan Death March, the forcible transfer by the Imperial Japanese Army of 75,000 American and Filipino prisoners of war, began on 9 April 1942. The total distance marched to various camps was 65 miles (105 km). Sources report widely differing prisoner of war casualties on the march: from 5,000 to 18,000 Filipino deaths and 500 to 650 American deaths during the march.

The march was characterised by severe physical abuse and wanton killings. POWs who fell or were caught on the ground were shot. After the war, the Japanese commander, General Masaharu Homma and two of his officers, Major General Yoshitaka Kawane and Colonel Kurataro Hirano, were tried by United States military commissions for war crimes and sentenced to death on charges of failing to prevent their subordinates from committing atrocities. Homma was executed in 1946, while Kawane and Hirano were executed in 1949.

A photograph of a burial detail at Camp O'Donnell, the terminus of the "Death March".

Prisoners of war on the Bataan Death March.

Prisoners of war on the Bataan Death March.

POW:

Taylor survived the march and was interred, along with tens of thousands of other POWs in the notorious Cabanatuan prison camp in the Philippines. The Japanese imperial army wasn’t known for its compassionate treatment of POWs, but what Taylor endured in the camp far superseded that of most of its detainees.

As a chaplain, Taylor considered it his duty to support his fellow soldiers both spiritually and physically. To accomplish this, he communicated with a network of spies both within and without of Cabanatuan’s fences, including the Filipino resistance. Together, they worked to smuggle food, medicine, and messages from family into the camp, and military intelligence out of the camp.

When the Japanese discovered the spy network, they were furious. They cracked down on all the chaplains in Cabanatuan, torturing many of them to death. Taylor was thrown into solitary confinement in the “heat box.” This was a tiny bamboo cage, with very narrow slats, that was too small to stand, lie down, or stretch out his legs. The Japanese placed the box under the direct heat of the sun and kept him there for nine weeks straight. There, Taylor read the Bible five times and also worked through Dostoevsky’s “The House of the Dead.”

After weeks in the box, Taylor was no longer moving or responsive. American prison doctors lobbied the Japanese for the right to remove Taylors body and bury him and were given permission. The doctors pulled out the limp and lifeless body and quickly realised that Taylor was actually breathing faintly. They secretly snuck him to what passed for an “infirmary” in the camp. After weeks in the infirmary, he was hobbling around the camp on crutches. He had made a miraculous recovery and he used his condition to inspire hope in his fellow soldiers.

When a crowd of prisoners gathered around him, he told them, “Ask me about my condition. I’m dirty, nasty, and all I have on is my underwear. Can you smell the stench of my rotting teeth? Listen to me, listen without pity, I’m not going to die. I’m going to live and you are too, because God is going to give us strength.”

Former prisoner of war Benjamin Steele's drawing of one prisoner giving a drink to another at the Cabanatuan camp.

Hell Ships:

Unfortunately for him, his miraculously recovery came at the worst time possible. It was late 1944 and the Japanese were starting to lose the war and were panicking. Soon, America would retake the Philippines. The Japanese started making plans for moving the healthy prisoners who could still work, transporting them to the Japanese mainland and out of reach of American hands. The sick, infirm, and injured prisoners remained behind and those who survived would later be rescued in a daring American raid on the camp.

However the healthy prisoners were shipped to Japan. To transport their human cargo, the Japanese threw thousands of POWs at a time on the so-called “hell ships.”

The term refers to a ship with extremely inhumane living conditions or with a reputation for cruelty among the crew. It now generally refers to the ships used by the Imperial Japanese Navy and Imperial Japanese Army to transport Allied prisoners of war and rōmusha (Asian forced slave laborers) out of the Philippines, the Dutch East Indies, Hong Kong, and Singapore in World War II. These POWs were taken to the Japanese Islands, Formosa, Manchukuo, Korea, the Moluccas, Sumatra, Burma, or Siam to be used as forced labor.

The Japanese military packed thousands of POWs into dark, suffocating conditions in ships’ holds. Men would panic, suffocating to death or turning on each other in their hysteria.

In a tragically ironic twist, American bombers often strafed these Japanese ships, sending the soldiers trapped in the hold to the bottom of the ocean.

Taylor graduated from the infirmary just in time to be forced aboard the Oryoku Maru along with 1,600 others.

Inside the hold, “The heat was indescribable, unbearable,” Taylor remembers. During the first dark night aboard the ship it was pitch black and some men were delirious from fear and thirst, literally biting the people next to them and sucking on their blood. “The worst nights of our lives,” Taylor claimed.

The next morning, American bombers found the ship and bombed it, crippling it irreparably. Taylor and 1,300 others survived the explosion and swum to the shore, where the Japanese kept them outdoors, exposed to the roasting sun, and on starvation rations for a week. Those who were badly injured in the explosion were beheaded by the Japanese. The rest were packed into the hold of yet another ship, where they were fed only rarely during the three week long voyage to Japan.

While moored at the harbor in Japan, this ship was also discovered by American planes and strafed again, killing even more. Of the original 1,600 who made the journey, only a few hundred had survived, Taylor among them, but he had suffered a broken arm during the ship bombardments.

Liberation:

The group was transported around prisoner camps in Japan, where they were treated relatively well due to their weakened and injured state. They were fed poorly, but the rations were better than they had been in the Philippines and they were given light work to do. After a few months, they were liberated from the camps. Taylor weighed only 98 pounds. He was also the only chaplain to survive Japanese imprisonment.

After the war:

After surviving the Bataan Death March and forty-two months of captivity as a prisoner of war, Taylor returned home in 1945 to find that his wife, Ione, who had been told that he had not survived, had remarried just one month earlier.

In 1950, Taylor married Mildred Good.

He stayed in the military, reached the rank of major general, and was named Air Force Chief of Chaplains by President John F. Kennedy. Taylor retired to Texas in 1963, where he served as a lecturer and preacher at the Southwest Baptist Theological Seminary.

His decorations and awards include the Silver Star, Bronze Star and the Presidential Unit Citation with two oak leaf clusters.

Gallery:

Interview with Chaplain Taylor (lengthy and detailed):

https://www.humanitiestexas.org/news/articles/interview-robert-preston-taylor-world-war-ii-pow

From the above interview:

Chaplain Taylor:

Of course, there were rough times, but never once did I give up, you know, did I succumb to these temptations. A man could literally die if he wanted. If he just gave up, he could die. I've seen them die who just gave up, and they'd be dead in five minutes—just turn over and die. It was easy to do. But you have to keep your chin up and you have to look forward to live through such circumstances.

This was not because I was any better than anybody else or those of us who survived were any better. I think the key to all of it, though, was . . . of course, the providence of God, but in his good way we were able to be optimistic and to keep on fighting, keep on pushing, keep on pulling, not only for yourself 
but for those about you. That's the key to it. I don't think I could have ever made it if I'd just been pulling to see that Preston Taylor got through. That's not the point at all.

It brings up the big question about what's life all about. It's not just for me or just for you. If we try to live it in that way for our own gratification, our own benefit, then we soon give up. If you get to thinking about, "Now, gee, there's no use me fighting this thing because I am not going to make it." But if you think there is a reason to fight because it might help somebody else to make it, you see, that's the key. I think that's a key to life, really.

QUOTE FOR THE DAY

 

FUNNY FRIDAY

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This week some humour about aliens, inspired by my watching a sci fi flick about them. Some have been in Bytes before but hey, you don’t listen to a song once and never again. Golden oldies (mouldy oldies?) are worth repeating.

So enjoy, dear readers, but a caution, there is risqué humour ahead.

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SOME HUMOUR:

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In space, two aliens are talking to each other.

The first alien says, "The dominant life forms on the Earth planet have developed satellite-based nuclear weapons."

The second alien asks, "Are they an emerging intelligence?"

The first alien says, "I don't think so, they have aimed at themselves"

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A human couple meets an alien couple

So naturally, they decide it would be fun to swap partners. The alien woman goes off with the human man and the alien man goes off with the human woman. The alien man and human woman get undressed and he asks her, "Is it long enough?" She replies, "It could be a bit longer I suppose." So the alien man slaps himself on the forehead a few times and it grows longer! Then he asks her, "Is it wide enough?" and again she says. "I guess it could be just a bit wider." So he starts tugging at his own ears and it gets a bit wider.

An hour or so later the human couple get together to discuss. The man asks the woman, "So how was your experience with the alien man? Be honest!" She says "Honestly? No offense to you, but that was the single greatest sexual experience of my life. What about you and the alien woman?"

The man replies, "Don't get me wrong, it was good and all but she kept slapping me in the head and pulling at my ears really hard."

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A woman tries getting on a bus but as the bus stopped and it was her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step of the bus. Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the driver, she reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg. She tried to take the step, but only to discover that she couldn't. With a little smile to the driver, she again reached behind to unzip a little more and again was unable to take the step. After becoming quite frustrated and embarrassed, she once again attempted to unzip her skirt more in order to allow more legroom to get on the first step of the bus.

About this time, a large Texan who was standing behind her picked her up easily by the waist and placed her gently on the step of the bus. She went ballistic and turned to the would-be Samaritan and yelled "How dare you touch my body! I don't even know who you are".

The Texan smiled and drawled “Well ma'am, normally I'd agree with you but after you unzipped my fly 3 times I kinda figured we were friends"

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A man in his 50s visits the doctor.

"I just can't take it anymore, doc," he says, wincing. "I stand at the urinal for 20 minutes and nothing happens. Is there something I can take?"

"I'll tell you what you can take," the doctor snarls. "A cold dose of reality! Do you have any idea what's happening out there?! Global warming is destroying the planet! Supervolcanoes are waking from dormancy! We're on the verge of World War III, and NOTHING CAN STOP IT!!"

Visibly shaken, the man looks down and realizes he's pissed his pants. Ashamed but relieved, he thanks the doctor profusely.

"No trouble at all," the doctor chuckles. "All you needed was a little dire rhetoric."

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How do you know aliens are not vegan?

Because they haven't contacted us to tell us.

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A man was speeding down an Alabama highway, feeling secure in a gaggle of cars all traveling at the same speed. However, as they passed a speed trap, he got nailed with an infrared speed detector and was pulled over.

The officer handed him the citation, received his signature and was about to walk away when the man asked, "Officer, I know I was speeding, but I don't think it's fair - there were plenty of other cars around me who were going just as fast, so why did I get the ticket?" "Ever go a fishin'?" the policeman suddenly asked the man. "Ummm, yeah..." the startled man replied. The officer grinned and added, "Did you ever catch 'em all?"

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#1:

Aliens visit Earth. They come in peace and surprisingly, they speak English.

Obviously, all of the heads of government and religious leaders want to speak to the aliens so they set up a meeting with our new visitors. When it's the Pope's turn, he asks: "Do you know about our Lord and Saviour Jesus Christ?"

"You mean JC?", responds the alien. "Yeah, we know him! He's the greatest, isn't he? He swings by every year to make sure that we are doing ok".

Surprised, the pope follows up with: "He visits every year?! It's been over two millennia and we're still waiting for his SECOND coming!"

The alien sees that the pope has become irate at this fact and starts trying to rationalise. "Maybe he likes our chocolate better than yours?"

The pope retorts "Chocolates? What are you talking about? What does that have to do with anything?"

The alien says "Yeah, when he first visited our planet we gave him a huge box of chocolates! Why? What did you guys do?"

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#2:

Two aliens in their flying saucer land near an abandoned gas station in the desert. They get out and walk up to one of the gas pumps. The captain alien points his ray gun at a gas pump and says, "Take me to your leader."

The gas pump says nothing.

The captain alien repeats, "Take me to your leader."

The gas pump says nothing.

The ensign alien says, "Hey, man. This seems like a bad idea. We should go."

The captain alien replies, "Shut up. I'm in charge here. Take me to your leader."

The gas pump says nothing.

The ensign alien repeats, "Dude, this is a really bad idea. These guys are bad news. We should go."

Again, the captain alien replies, "Shut up. What do you know? Last chance! Take me to your leader!"

The gas pump says nothing.

Finally, the captain alien says, "That's it!" and shoots the gas pump.

The entire station explodes, throwing the two aliens 50 yards away.

As they're picking themselves up out of the dirt, the captain alien says to the ensign, "How? How did you know those guys were bad news?"

The ensign alien replies, "I've been all over this galaxy and I've learned one fundamental truth: if you meet a creature who can wrap its dick around its waist and hang it in its ear, you leave it alone."

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LIMERICK OF THE WEEK:

There once was a girl from Hoboken

Who claimed that her cherry was broken

From riding her bike

Down a cobblestone pike

But it really was broken from pokin’

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GALLERY:

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CORN CORNER:

__________

I got food poisoning on a recent trip to the Philippines.

That’s the last time I eat salmon in Manila.

__________

I saw the doctor today...

I explained I had an unfortunate rash round my privates and, although embarrassed, I dropped my pants to show him. I asked if he could give me some cream for it. Guy completely blanked me. Walked off pushing his trolley and carried on round Walmart.

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Astronaut 1: "I can't find any milk for my coffee"

Astronaut 2: "In space no-one can. Here, use cream"

QUOTE FOR THE DAY

“If I was an Olympic athlete, I’d rather come in last than win the silver medal. You win the gold, you feel good. You win the bronze, you think, ‘at least I got something.’ But you win that silver, that’s like, ‘Congratulations, you almost won! Of all the losers, you came in first! You’re the number one loser! No one lost ahead of you!’” 

– Jerry Seinfeld

TIME OF THE SIGNS

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Byter Vince C sent me an email with pics of signs from Vince the Sign Guy.

Thanks Vince, ie Vince C.

Here is some background.

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Vince Rozmiarek from Colorado put up an amusing sign near the Indian Hills Community Centre 5 years ago as an April Fool’s Day joke. People so enjoyed the sign that he has been regularly updating them ever since.

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The following introduction is from a Bytes post in 2013:

Lewis Carroll had a low opinion on puns -

“The Good and Great must ever shun

That reckless and abandoned one

Who stoops to perpetrate a pun.”

And remember the scene in Master and Commander when Captain Jack Aubrey wagers the ship’s surgeon as to which of two weevils will make it the side of the plate first. The surgeon chooses the larger and loses, causing the Captain to say “Do you not know that in the service one must always choose the lesser of two weevils?” The surgeon replies ”He who would pun would pick a pocket.”

All true, but the main attribute of a pun is the groans which follow it. Puns are meant to be groaned at.

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Vince’s pics (ie the ones Vince C sent me) . . .

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Other examples from Vince (the sign guy this time) . . .

Welcome to the assumption club! I think we all know why we’re here.

Some people are such treasures you just want to bury them.

Somebody’s therapist knows all about you.

I didn’t mean to press all your buttons. I was just trying to hit mute.

Good Moms let you lick the beaters. Great Moms turn them off first.

To the thief who took my anti-depressants, I hope you’re happy.

Feeling a bit paranoid? Remember… you’re not alone.

I was in a band called the Hinges. We opened for the Doors.

Inspecting mirrors is a job I could really see myself doing.

Man in boxers leads police in brief chase.

To spell the word panda you just need a p and a.

A tombstone with a typo? Well, that’s a grave mistake.

It wouldn’t have been Wright if Ford invented the airplane.

I have a black eye in karate.

To make a long story short I became an editor.

It doesn’t make any cents, but volunteering is rewarding.

Failure is success in progress.

Honk if you think geese can understand you.

There are no such things as vampires. Unless you Count Dracula.

I’m reading a book on lubrication. It’s non-friction.

Frankenstein was angry because his doctor was overcharging him.

I don’t have the faintest idea why I passed out.

Skinny cows have slimmer calves.

Common sense is like deodorant. Those who need it most never use it.

Despite the high cost of living, it remains popular.

If your cup is only half full you probably need a different bra.

With great reflexes comes great response ability.

Acupuncture is a jab well done.

The hardest thing about learning to ride a horse is the ground.

Any stairway can be a stairway to heaven if you’re clumsy enough.

I believe in the hereafter. When I enter a room, I have to recall what I’m hereafter.

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And to finish, in my opinion, one of the best puns ever . . .

Benjamin Franklin calling for solidarity during the signing of the Declaration of Independence:

“We must all hang together or assuredly we shall all hang separately.”