Thursday, October 3, 2024
FUNNY FRIDAY
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This week some humour about aliens, inspired by my watching a sci fi flick about them. Some have been in Bytes before but hey, you don’t listen to a song once and never again. Golden oldies (mouldy oldies?) are worth repeating.
So enjoy, dear readers, but a caution, there is risqué humour ahead.
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SOME HUMOUR:
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In space, two aliens are talking to each other.
The first alien says, "The dominant life forms on the Earth planet have developed satellite-based nuclear weapons."
The second alien asks, "Are they an emerging intelligence?"
The first alien says, "I don't think so, they have aimed at themselves"
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A human couple meets an alien couple
So naturally, they decide it would be fun to swap partners. The alien woman goes off with the human man and the alien man goes off with the human woman. The alien man and human woman get undressed and he asks her, "Is it long enough?" She replies, "It could be a bit longer I suppose." So the alien man slaps himself on the forehead a few times and it grows longer! Then he asks her, "Is it wide enough?" and again she says. "I guess it could be just a bit wider." So he starts tugging at his own ears and it gets a bit wider.
An hour or so later the human couple get together to discuss. The man asks the woman, "So how was your experience with the alien man? Be honest!" She says "Honestly? No offense to you, but that was the single greatest sexual experience of my life. What about you and the alien woman?"
The man replies, "Don't get me wrong, it was good and all but she kept slapping me in the head and pulling at my ears really hard."
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A woman tries getting on a bus but as the bus stopped and it was her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step of the bus. Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the driver, she reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg. She tried to take the step, but only to discover that she couldn't. With a little smile to the driver, she again reached behind to unzip a little more and again was unable to take the step. After becoming quite frustrated and embarrassed, she once again attempted to unzip her skirt more in order to allow more legroom to get on the first step of the bus.
About this time, a large Texan who was standing behind her picked her up easily by the waist and placed her gently on the step of the bus. She went ballistic and turned to the would-be Samaritan and yelled "How dare you touch my body! I don't even know who you are".
The Texan smiled and drawled “Well ma'am, normally I'd agree with you but after you unzipped my fly 3 times I kinda figured we were friends"
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A man in his 50s visits the doctor.
"I just can't take it anymore, doc," he says, wincing. "I stand at the urinal for 20 minutes and nothing happens. Is there something I can take?"
"I'll tell you what you can take," the doctor snarls. "A cold dose of reality! Do you have any idea what's happening out there?! Global warming is destroying the planet! Supervolcanoes are waking from dormancy! We're on the verge of World War III, and NOTHING CAN STOP IT!!"
Visibly shaken, the man looks down and realizes he's pissed his pants. Ashamed but relieved, he thanks the doctor profusely.
"No trouble at all," the doctor chuckles. "All you needed was a little dire rhetoric."
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How do you know aliens are not vegan?
Because they haven't contacted us to tell us.
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A man was speeding down an Alabama highway, feeling secure in a gaggle of cars all traveling at the same speed. However, as they passed a speed trap, he got nailed with an infrared speed detector and was pulled over.
The officer handed him the citation, received his signature and was about to walk away when the man asked, "Officer, I know I was speeding, but I don't think it's fair - there were plenty of other cars around me who were going just as fast, so why did I get the ticket?" "Ever go a fishin'?" the policeman suddenly asked the man. "Ummm, yeah..." the startled man replied. The officer grinned and added, "Did you ever catch 'em all?"
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#1:
Aliens visit Earth. They come in peace and surprisingly, they speak English.
Obviously, all of the heads of government and religious leaders want to speak to the aliens so they set up a meeting with our new visitors. When it's the Pope's turn, he asks: "Do you know about our Lord and Saviour Jesus Christ?"
"You mean JC?", responds the alien. "Yeah, we know him! He's the greatest, isn't he? He swings by every year to make sure that we are doing ok".
Surprised, the pope follows up with: "He visits every year?! It's been over two millennia and we're still waiting for his SECOND coming!"
The alien sees that the pope has become irate at this fact and starts trying to rationalise. "Maybe he likes our chocolate better than yours?"
The pope retorts "Chocolates? What are you talking about? What does that have to do with anything?"
The alien says "Yeah, when he first visited our planet we gave him a huge box of chocolates! Why? What did you guys do?"
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#2:
Two aliens in their flying saucer land near an abandoned gas station in the desert. They get out and walk up to one of the gas pumps. The captain alien points his ray gun at a gas pump and says, "Take me to your leader."
The gas pump says nothing.
The captain alien repeats, "Take me to your leader."
The gas pump says nothing.
The ensign alien says, "Hey, man. This seems like a bad idea. We should go."
The captain alien replies, "Shut up. I'm in charge here. Take me to your leader."
The gas pump says nothing.
The ensign alien repeats, "Dude, this is a really bad idea. These guys are bad news. We should go."
Again, the captain alien replies, "Shut up. What do you know? Last chance! Take me to your leader!"
The gas pump says nothing.
Finally, the captain alien says, "That's it!" and shoots the gas pump.
The entire station explodes, throwing the two aliens 50 yards away.
As they're picking themselves up out of the dirt, the captain alien says to the ensign, "How? How did you know those guys were bad news?"
The ensign alien replies, "I've been all over this galaxy and I've learned one fundamental truth: if you meet a creature who can wrap its dick around its waist and hang it in its ear, you leave it alone."
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LIMERICK OF THE WEEK:
There once was a girl from Hoboken
Who claimed that her cherry was broken
From riding her bike
Down a cobblestone pike
But it really was broken from pokin’
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GALLERY:
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CORN CORNER:
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I got food poisoning on a recent trip to the Philippines.
That’s the last time I eat salmon in Manila.
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I saw the doctor today...
I explained I had an unfortunate rash round my privates and, although embarrassed, I dropped my pants to show him. I asked if he could give me some cream for it. Guy completely blanked me. Walked off pushing his trolley and carried on round Walmart.
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Astronaut 1: "I can't find any milk for my coffee"
Astronaut 2: "In space no-one can. Here, use cream"
Wednesday, October 2, 2024
QUOTE FOR THE DAY
“If I was an Olympic athlete, I’d rather come in last than win the silver medal. You win the gold, you feel good. You win the bronze, you think, ‘at least I got something.’ But you win that silver, that’s like, ‘Congratulations, you almost won! Of all the losers, you came in first! You’re the number one loser! No one lost ahead of you!’”
– Jerry Seinfeld
TIME OF THE SIGNS
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Byter Vince C sent me an email with pics of signs from Vince the Sign Guy.
Thanks Vince, ie Vince C.
Here is some background.
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Vince Rozmiarek from Colorado put up an amusing sign near the Indian Hills Community Centre 5 years ago as an April Fool’s Day joke. People so enjoyed the sign that he has been regularly updating them ever since.
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The following introduction is from a Bytes post in 2013:
Lewis Carroll had a low opinion on puns -
“The Good and Great must ever shun
That reckless and abandoned one
Who stoops to perpetrate a pun.”
And remember the scene in Master and Commander when Captain Jack Aubrey wagers the ship’s surgeon as to which of two weevils will make it the side of the plate first. The surgeon chooses the larger and loses, causing the Captain to say “Do you not know that in the service one must always choose the lesser of two weevils?” The surgeon replies ”He who would pun would pick a pocket.”
All true, but the main attribute of a pun is the groans which follow it. Puns are meant to be groaned at.
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Vince’s pics (ie the ones Vince C sent me) . . .
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Other examples from Vince (the sign guy this time) . . .
Welcome to the assumption club! I think we all know why we’re here.
Some people are such treasures you just want to bury them.
Somebody’s therapist knows all about you.
I didn’t mean to press all your buttons. I was just trying to hit mute.
Good Moms let you lick the beaters. Great Moms turn them off first.
To the thief who took my anti-depressants, I hope you’re happy.
Feeling a bit paranoid? Remember… you’re not alone.
I was in a band called the Hinges. We opened for the Doors.
Inspecting mirrors is a job I could really see myself doing.
Man in boxers leads police in brief chase.
To spell the word panda you just need a p and a.
A tombstone with a typo? Well, that’s a grave mistake.
It wouldn’t have been Wright if Ford invented the airplane.
I have a black eye in karate.
To make a long story short I became an editor.
It doesn’t make any cents, but volunteering is rewarding.
Failure is success in progress.
Honk if you think geese can understand you.
There are no such things as vampires. Unless you Count Dracula.
I’m reading a book on lubrication. It’s non-friction.
Frankenstein was angry because his doctor was overcharging him.
I don’t have the faintest idea why I passed out.
Skinny cows have slimmer calves.
Common sense is like deodorant. Those who need it most never use it.
Despite the high cost of living, it remains popular.
If your cup is only half full you probably need a different bra.
With great reflexes comes great response ability.
Acupuncture is a jab well done.
The hardest thing about learning to ride a horse is the ground.
Any stairway can be a stairway to heaven if you’re clumsy enough.
I believe in the hereafter. When I enter a room, I have to recall what I’m hereafter.
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And to finish, in my opinion, one of the best puns ever . . .
Benjamin Franklin calling for solidarity during the signing of the Declaration of Independence:
“We must all hang together or assuredly we shall all hang separately.”
Tuesday, October 1, 2024
A POEM ABOUT ENGLISH AS SHE IS SPOKE
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About the above heading:
O novo guia da conversação em portuguez e inglez, commonly known by the name English as She Is Spoke, is a 19th-century book written by Pedro Carolino, with some editions crediting José da Fonseca as a co-author. It was intended as a Portuguese–English conversational guide or phrase book. However, because the provided translations are usually inaccurate or unidiomatic, it is regarded as a classic source of unintentional humour in translation.
It is widely believed that Carolino could not speak English and that a French–English dictionary was used to translate an earlier Portuguese–French phrase book O novo guia da conversação em francês e português, written by José da Fonseca. Carolino likely added Fonseca's name to the book, without his permission, in an attempt to give it some credibility. The Portuguese–French phrase book is apparently a competent work, without the defects that characterize the Portuguese–English one.
Mark Twain said of English as She Is Spoke "Nobody can add to the absurdity of this book, nobody can imitate it successfully, nobody can hope to produce its fellow; it is perfect."
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The poem:
Monday, September 30, 2024
AESOP’S FABLES
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Aesop's Fables, or the Aesopica, is a collection of fables credited to Aesop, a slave and storyteller believed to have lived in ancient Greece between 620 and 564 BCE. Of diverse origins, the stories associated with his name have descended to modern times through a number of sources and continue to be reinterpreted in different verbal registers and in popular as well as artistic media. The fables originally belonged to the oral tradition and were not collected for some three centuries after Aesop's death. By that time a variety of other stories, jokes and proverbs were being ascribed to him
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The Wolf and the Kid
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A Kid was perched up on the top of a house, and looking down saw a Wolf passing under him. Immediately he began to revile and attack his enemy. "Murderer and thief," he cried, "what do you here near honest folks' houses? How dare you make an appearance where your vile deeds are known?"
"Curse away, my young friend," said the Wolf.
"It is easy to be brave from a safe distance."
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Another version:
A frisky young Kid had been left by the herdsman on the thatched roof of a sheep shelter to keep him out of harm's way. The Kid was browsing near the edge of the roof, when he spied a Wolf and began to jeer at him, making faces and abusing him to his heart's content.
"I hear you," said the Wolf, "and I haven't the least grudge against you for what you say or do. When you are up there it is the roof that's talking, not you."
Moral:
Do not say anything at any time that you would not say at all times.
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It reminds me of the following poem, previously posted in Bytes:
Opportunity
by Edward Rowland Sill (1841-1887)
This I beheld, or dreamed it in a dream:
There spread a cloud of dust along a plain;
And underneath the cloud, or in it, raged
A furious battle, and men yelled, and swords
Shocked upon swords and shields. A prince’s banner
Wavered, then staggered backward, hemmed by foes.
A craven hung along the battle’s edge,
And thought, “Had I a sword of keener steel —
That blue blade that the king’s son bears, — but this
Blunt thing!” — he snapt and flung it from his hand,
And lowering crept away and left the field.
Then came the king’s son, wounded, sore bestead,
And weaponless, and saw the broken sword,
Hilt-buried in the dry and trodden sand,
And ran and snatched it, and with battle-shout
Lifted afresh, he hewed his enemy down,
And saved a great cause that heroic day.
From:
The poem presents an allegory of missed opportunities through the image of a battle where a craven mistakenly attributes his cowardice to material limitations. The discovery and subsequent use of the "broken sword" by the king's son highlights the potential for unexpected resources to foster greatness. The contrast between the initial perception of uselessness and the sword's decisive role underscores the theme of recognizing and seizing opportunities.
Compared to the author's other works, this poem stands out for its concise narrative and straightforward allegory, while maintaining a thought-provoking message. In the context of its time period, it encapsulates the Victorian emphasis on self-reliance, reminding readers of the need to overcome perceived limitations and embrace opportunities for growth.
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