A new subscriber, Ruth, has told me that she is not fond of rude jokes, so today’s Funny Friday is sans any risqué humour, which will be a disappointment to my elderly father in law Noel, and to Liz who sends them to her mother.
However next week will see inclusion of the occasional risqué item, so Ruthie, you will need to skip Funny Friday.
Enjoy, dear readers.
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SOME HUMOUR:
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A teacher gave her class this assignment: ask your parents to tell you a story with a moral at the end of it.
The following day the kids came back and one by one go through their stories.
There were all the regular things - never too old to learn, never give up, no crying over spilled milk, stuff like that.
Next kid up gives this presentation: “My daddy told a story about my Grampa. He was a pilot flying a combat mission and he only got halfway back when his plane got hit bad.”
“He had to jump out and parachute down to enemy territory, but all he had was a glass flask of whiskey, a pistol and a survival knife."
"He drank the whiskey on the way down so the bottle wouldn't break and when he landed he was surrounded by four enemy soldiers.”
“Grams shoots two of them right away and keeps firing at the other two until he runs out of bullets, he stabs one of them with the knife but then the blade breaks, so he busts the whisky bottle and kills him with that, and then he strangles the last one to death with his bare hands."
The teacher was appalled - "Good God! What kind of moral did your daddy say came from that horrible story?"
Kid says: "Dad said it was this – whenever Grampa’s drinking, stay the hell away from him."
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A man walks into a shoe store and tries on a pair of shoes.
"How do they feel?" asks the sales clerk.
"Well ... they feel a bit tight." replies the man.
The assistant promptly bends down and has a look at the shoes and the man’s feet.
"Try pulling the tongue out." offers the clerk.
"Nath theyth sthill feelth a bith tighth," he says.
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There is a restaurant that advertises that it will serve you anything you want, but if they can't, then they will gift you $5000 as an apology.
A man passing by sees this message advertised at the entrance, and believes this to be bullshit, but decides to try it out anyway.
He enters and a waiter takes him to a table. The waiter asks, "What would you like to eat today, sir?"
Man: "I would like an elephant's ear and a muffin to eat, please"
Waiter: "Give us just a moment." The waiter leaves to the kitchen.
As a few minutes pass by; the man believes he's going to get an easy $5000 as he thinks they are taking too long and probably preparing something else. At this moment, the waiter returns.
Appearing a little anxious, the waiter asks, "Apologies sir, but do you mind telling me what kind of elephant you want this ear from?"
The man is stunned. He didn't think they'd get to this moment.
Man: "Uhhh......An Indian elephant is fine."
Waiter: "Thank you." The waiter goes back to the kitchen.
1 minute later, the waiter returns again.
Waiter: "And which side did you want the ear from?"
The man is starting to sweat bullets at this point.
Man: "Uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh..........Left ear, i guess........"
Waiter: "Splendid." The waiter leaves to the kitchen yet again.
The man is scared as he has no idea how much this ear is going to blast away his wallet.
5 minutes later, the waiter comes back with a platter of food and $5000 for the man.
Waiter: "Here is your order sir. Sorry, but we are out of muffins for today."
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Following on from the above story with a moral, here is another, sent to me originally by Steve M. Thanks Steve.
A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold the bird froze and fell to the ground in a large field.
While it was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on it. As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, it began to realise how warm it was. The dung was actually thawing him out!
He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy.
A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate. Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung and promptly dug him out and ate him.
Morals:
1. not everyone who shits on you is your enemy;
2. not everyone who gets you out of shit is your friend; and
3. when you're in deep shit, it's best to keep your mouth shut!
Here is a link to an Indian guru relating the story, click on to view:
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LIMERICK OF THE WEEK:
Wemyss is a Scottish name pronounced Weems.
There was a young lady named Wemyss,
Who, it semyss, was troubled with dremyss.
She would wake in the night,
And, in terrible fright,
Shake the bemyss of the house with her scremyss.
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GALLERY:
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RELIGION SPOT
What's the difference between religion and mythology?
A few hundred years.
______________
An American man seeking peace among the religions of the East found a new guru.
After his new teacher had spoken for an hour on the importance of following one's inner nature along the path, the man interrupted to say: "I thought the idea was to lose one's desires and attain enlightenment."
"No, no," the teacher admonished. "That was Zen. This is Tao."
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LAW & LAWYERS
You know Murphy's Law - "If something can go wrong, it will".
But do you know Cole's law?
It's shredded cabbage, mayonnaise, maybe some carrot.
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CORN CORNER:
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I started dating a girl who identifies as a wheelie bin.
I can’t remember if I’m taking her out Wednesday or Thursday night.
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Two scientists walk into a bar.
The first one says, "I'll have H2O."
The second one says, "I'd also like water. Wait, why did you call it H2O? We're not at work anymore."
The first scientist goes to the bathroom and cries. His assassination attempt has failed.
(Okay, I’ll explain it:
The first scientist thought the second scientist would say, ‟I will have H2O,too”,which sounds like ‟H2O2” which is hydrogen peroxide.)
__________
I got zero out of ten on my last spelling quiz
But my teacher gave me an 'A' for Affort
__________
One night I had a vision that I was on stage with REM performing “Losing My Religion”
But that was just a dream. Just a dream…
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