Wednesday, May 31, 2023

QUOTE FOR THE DAY

 



BRAND NAME ORIGINS


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20th Century Fox:

20th Century Studios (previously known as 20th Century Fox Film Corporation, or 20th Century Fox) is an American film production company headquartered at the Fox Studio Lot in the Century City area of Los Angeles.

20th Century Fox was formed in 1935 through the merger of William Fox's Fox Film, and Twentieth Century Pictures.

20th Century-Fox was sold for $720 million on June 8, 1981, to investors Marc Rich and Marvin Davis. By 1984, Rich had become a fugitive from justice, having fled to Switzerland after being charged by U.S. federal prosecutors with tax evasion, racketeering and illegal trading with Iran during the Iran hostage crisis. 1984 Marvin Davis bought out Marc Rich's 50% interest in 20th Century-Fox Film Corporation for an undisclosed amount and sold this interest to Rupert Murdoch's News Corporation for $250 million in March 1985.

From 1985, the hyphen was permanently deleted from the brand name, with 20th Century-Fox changing to 20th Century Fox.

On June 28, 2012, Rupert Murdoch announced that News Corporation would be split into two publishing and media-oriented companies: a new News Corporation and 21st Century Fox, which operates the Fox Entertainment Group and 20th Century Fox. Murdoch considered the name of the new company a way to maintain the 20th Century Fox's heritage.

The logo for 20th Century Studios, a division of The Walt Disney Company

The acquisition of 21st Century Fox by Disney took place on March 20, 2019, including 20th Century Fox. The studio's current name was adopted on January 17, 2020, to avoid confusion with Fox Corporation.
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3M:

3M (originally the Minnesota Mining and Manufacturing Company) is an American multinational conglomerate operating in the fields of industry, worker safety, healthcare and consumer goods.

The company produces over 60,000 products under several brands. Among the products invented, manufactured, and sold by 3M Company are a variety of types of adhesive tape, audio-visual equipment and media, medical and dental products, Post-It Notes, and safety products such as reflective coatings and signs.

The 3M Company began in 1902 in Two Harbors, Minnesota. Originally the company, then named Minnesota Mining and Manufacturing, was involved in mining a mineral deposit for grinding wheel abrasives. Three years later the company moved to Duluth to focus on manufacturing sandpaper products. In 1910 investor Lucius Pond Ordway moved the company from Duluth to the east side of St. Paul where it developed and manufactured an increasing number and variety of products, including such household necessities as masking tape and "Scotch Cellophane Tape."

On its 100th anniversary, 3M changed its legal name to "3M Company" on April 8, 2002 from the company's original name, Minnesota Mining and Manufacturing Company.


By the way, the use of the term Scotch meant stingy in the 1920s and 1930s. The brand name Scotch came about around 1925 while Richard Drew was testing his first masking tape to determine how much adhesive he needed to add. The bodyshop painter became frustrated with the sample masking tape and exclaimed, "Take this tape back to those Scotch bosses of yours and tell them to put more adhesive on it!" The name was soon applied to the entire line of 3M tapes.
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7-Eleven:


7-ELEVEn is a multinational chain of retail convenience stores, headquartered in Irving, Texas, United States. The chain was founded in 1927 as an ice house storefront in Dallas. It was named Tote'm Stores between 1928 and 1946. After 70% of the company was acquired by an affiliate Ito-Yokado in 1991, it was reorganized as a wholly owned subsidiary of Seven & I Holdings.

7-Eleven operates, franchises, and licenses 78,029 stores in 19 countries and territories as of November 2021.

The company's first outlets were in Dallas, named "Tote'm Stores" because customers "toted" away their purchases. Some stores featured "native" totem poles in front of the store. In 1946, the chain's name was changed from "Tote'm" to "7-Eleven" to reflect the company's new, extended hours, 7:00 am to 11:00 pm, seven days per week. In November 1999, the corporate name of the US company was changed from "The Southland Corporation" to "7-Eleven Inc."



Following 7-Eleven's adoption of its current logo in 1968, a lowercase n was used in the logo because the first wife of John P. Thompson Sr., the company's president during the 1960s, thought the all-capitals version seemed a little aggressive. She suggested the change "to make the logo look more graceful."

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To be continued




Monday, May 29, 2023

QUOTE FOR THE DAY

 



THE VOICE AND CHICKEN LITTLE

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The 2023 Australian Indigenous Voice referendum will ask voters to approve an alteration to the Australian constitution to provide recognition for Aboriginal and Torres Strait Islanders and to create an Indigenous body to advise the Federal Parliament on policies and projects relating to Indigenous people.

The date of the refendum remains to be set and announced but there has already been considerable discussion and feeling, both for and against.

News items:

“The great progress of the 20th century’s civil rights movement was the push to eradicate difference – to judge each other on the content of our character, not the colour of our skin. This Voice, as proposed by the Prime Minister, promotes difference… The Voice will re-racialise our nation. The Voice will embed new, procedural rights in our Constitution – rights which are conferred only on the Aboriginal and Torres Strait Islander Voice. It will have an Orwellian effect where All Australians are equal, but some Australians are more equal than others.”

- Peter Dutton, Leader of the Opposition



'”Yes, there are scare campaigns. What those campaigns have in common is that they underestimate Australians so radically. It's only a matter of time before they tell us that the Voice will fade the curtains... claims have been made the Voice... could even have an effect on parking tickets. . . . Australians have a healthy scepticism of doomsayers, a scepticism kept in good health by memories of all the predictions offered by the Chicken Littles of the past.'

- Prime Minister Anthony Albanese


This post does not look at The Voice but at Chicken Little, which I found interesting to look into. Let me know your thoughts on this post.

I believe it still has great relevance today and I can think of numerous examples in politics, gender debate, religion and political correctness where it can be illustrative.

Many of us know that it the name Chiken Little is a reference to a chicken who becomes convinced that the sky is falling and perusades the rest of the henhouse likewise.  Some may know it comes from a European folk tale.

More details:

The European folk tale is called "Henny Penny", more commonly known in the United States as "Chicken Little", and tells of a chicken who believes that the world is coming to an end. The phrase "The sky is falling!" features prominently in the story, and has passed into the English language as a common espression indicating a hysterical or mistaken belief that disaster is imminent.

Similar stories go back more than 25 centuries. The story was part of the oral folk tradition and only began to appear in print after the Brothers Grimm had set a European example with their collection of German tales in the early years of the 19th century.

The tale is a cautionary one against paranoia and mass hysteria.

There are several Western versions of the story, of which the best-known concerns a chicken which believes that the sky is falling when an acorn falls on its head. The chicken decides to tell the king and, on its journey, meets other animals which join it in the quest. After this point, there are many endings. In the most familiar, a fox invites them to its lair and then eats them all.

In most tellings, the animals have rhyming names: Henny Penny, Cocky Locky, Ducky Lucky, Drakey Lakey, Goosey Loosey, Turkey Lurkey, and Foxy Loxy.

First pages of The Remarkable Story of Chicken Little (1840)

Illustration for the story "Chicken Little", 1916

In 1943 during World War II, Walt Disney turned the story into a anti-Nazi film showing the evils of mass hysteria.

Theatrical release poster

Cocky Locky, Henny Penny, Turkey Lurkey, Ducky Lucky, Goosey Poosie and Chicken Little (a yo-yo wielding simpleton) safely live at a poultry farm. Outside the yard, hungry fox Foxy Loxy wants to catch himself a chicken dinner but is prevented by the high fences, locked gates and an armed farmer. 

He reads from a psychology book and thinks "Why should I just get one, when I could get 'em all." Having learned from the pyschology text, he works on the principle that the best way to manipulate the whole flock is to begin with "the least intelligent" (identifying Chicken Little after searching the yard).

Loxy drops a piece of wood on Chicken Little’s head and pretends to be "the voice of doom". Loxy tells Chicken Little that the sky is falling, that a piece of it hit him on the head and that he should run for his life. Chicken Little panics, spreading the word to everyone and bringing a crowd to where he believes the sky piece hit him,. However Cocky Locky proves the story to be false and the crowd disperses, leaving Chicken Little humiliated.

Reading further from the psychology book, Foxy Loxy seeks to undermine the faith of the masses in their leaders. He heads over to Henny Penny's, Turkey Lurkey's, and Ducky Lucky's and Goosey Poosie's circles of friends to plant rumours about Locky's intelligence and leadership. This starts another rush of panic among the poultry residents as they spread the rumour.

With Locky's leadership in question, Loxy uses it to flatter Little, convincing him to stand up and challenge Locky's right of leadership, Filled with confidence, Little announces to a crowd that he is their new leader and states that he will save all their lives.

Locky argues against him stating the sky is not falling. The two argue about it until Locky states, "if the sky is falling, why doesn't it hit me on the head?" From his hiding place, Foxy Loxy uses a slingshot to shoot a star shaped piece of wood at him in the head, knocking him out. This shocks everyone and they are convinced that Little was right about the sky all along.

When they ask him what they should do, Foxy Loxy whispers to Little to lead them to "the cave" believing this is the right thing to do. Little leads the panicked masses out of the farm, through the woods and into the cave , which is actually Loxy's den, and they all get eaten. The cartoon closes with a stuffed Loxy picking his teeth and arranging the wishbones of the devoured birds in a row resembling a war cemetery.

The film was produced as a propaganda short during WWII, warning audiences not to believe anti-American propaganda.

Originally the film was to have had more direct references to the war: Foxy Loxy would have read from "Mein Kampf"; and the chicken's graves would have been marked by swastikas, but Walt Disney decided to keep the film generic so that it would not become dated after the war.

How many modern parallels can you think of?



Sunday, May 28, 2023

QUOTE FOR THE DAY

 


MONEY, MONEY, MONEY


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Money terms and their origins . . . .

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Money:

The English word money first appeared in the 14th century. It was derived from the Latin word moneta, a name given to the Roman goddess Juno Moneta, at or near whose temple the Romans first began minting coins around 300 BCE.

In Roman mythology, Moneta was a title given to two separate goddesses: It was the name of the goddess of memory (identified with the Greek goddess Mnemosyne), and it was an epithet of Juno, called Juno Moneta. The latter's name is the source of numerous words in English and the Romance languages, including “money" and "mint".
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Bread:

Bread has a significance beyond mere nutrition in many cultures because of its history and contemporary importance. Bread is also significant in Christianity as one of the elements (alongside wine) of the Eucharist, and in other religions including Paganism.

In many cultures, bread is a metaphor for basic necessities and living conditions in general. For example, a "bread-winner" is a household's main economic contributor and has little to do with actual bread-provision. This is also seen in the phrase "putting bread on the table". The Roman poet Juvenal satirized superficial politicians and the public as caring only for "panem et circenses" (bread and circuses). In Russia in 1917, the Bolsheviks promised "peace, land, and bread."

Some possible origins for its use as a term for money:

- That it is Cockney rhyming slang with ‘honey’ from an old Cockney rhyme, “Give me your money. Give me your bread and honey."

- That it can be traced back to the Bible where bread is sometimes referred to as a means of barter or payment.

- That it comes from the expression ‘earning a crust’, which means having enough money to pay for one’s daily bread.

- According to jazz historian Phil Schaap, jazz musician Lester Young gave rise to it: 'You call up Lester Young for a gig, he'd say, 'Okay, how does the bread smell?' So he used 'bread' for money for the first time.'." It may be that he popularised a term already in use.

In the early 1700s, “bread moved from its literal meaning and took on a new sense of livelihood or subsistence. The first Oxford citation is from Robinson Crusoe, Daniel Defoe’s 1719 novel: “I was under no Necessity of seeking my Bread.”

Although “bread” meant livelihood or subsistence in the 18th century, it didn’t come to mean money per se until the 20th century. Examples of this slang sense:

-  from Jazzmen, a 1939 book edited by Frederick Ramsey Jr. and Charles Edward Smith: “Inside the low, smoky room, the musicians sweated for their bread.”

-  OED citation from the June 15, 1952, issue of DownBeat magazine: ”If I had bread (Dizzy’s basic synonym for loot) I’d certainly start a big band again.”

The expression bread as money seems to have originated in the 19th century and the word dough was a later substitute, although other etymologists maintain that bread came from dough.
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Dough:

The word "dough" has roots in the languages spoken in northern Europe which became ancestors of modern English. In Old English, the word for uncooked bread was "dag." This word originated in "dheigh," a root meaning to knead or form, from ancient Indo-European. Related words include "teig" in German, "deg" in Swedish and Dutch, and "dej" in danish.

“Dough” as slang for “money” is an American coinage dating back to the mid-19th century.

“Dough” in this sense is based on “bread,” popular slang for money since the 1930s.

The use of “bread” to mean “sustenance” in a more general non-money sense dates back to the early 1700s There may even be a pun there, since the ancient Germanic root sense of “dough” is “something that is kneaded,” money is definitely “something that is needed.”

By the way:

“Doughboy” as World War I slang for an American soldier, dates back to at least 1847, before the Civil War. In her memoirs, written in 1887, the widow of General George Armstrong Custer mentions that the small boiled dumplings served to sailors aboard early 19th century ships were known as “doughboys,” and that the term became slang for soldiers because the large brass buttons on their uniforms resembled the dumpling “doughboys.”

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Moolah:

Moolah is a Fijian word meaning 'money'.

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Dosh:

British and Australian word for money.

Various possible origins:

- Derived from the slang 'doss-house', meaning a very cheap hostel or room, from Elizabethan England when 'doss' was a straw bed, from 'dossel' meaning bundle of straw, in turn from the French 'dossier' meaning bundle. Dosh appears to have originated in this form in the US in the 19th century, and then re-emerged in more popular use in the UK in the mid-20th century.

- Possibly a combination of dollars and cash.

- Scottish dialect doss (tobacco pouch, a purse containing something of value).

- From the old African colonial term dash, denoting a tip or bribe.

This is a working-class term from the early 1950s which was falling out of use in the 1960s, but which, like many similar words (bunce, loot, lolly, etc.), was revived in the money conscious late 1980s.

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Saturday, May 27, 2023

QUOTE FOR THE DAY

 



NEWS . . .


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A man has been caught trying to smuggle a 21.6 centimetres (eight-and-a-half inches) pair of scissors into a jail, by hiding them in his anus.

Staff made the discovery as they processed him for a stay at La Porte County Jail in the US state of Indiana. Suspicions were raised when the arrested suspect refused to cooperate during a routine search. The scissors were detected via body scan.

Authorities did not reveal further details about the man or what he was arrested for but did say that since the full-body scanner was first used in the jail in 2017, it had recovered a string of items including tattooing equipment, drugs, and "paraphernalia".
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Reminds me of the story of the elderly man in a country town who went to the doctor complaining of stomach pains. The doctor presribed suppoitories.

A few days later the doctor met him on the sttreet and asked how the suppositorie were going.

“Bloody useless,” said the old man. “For all the good they’re doing I might as well have shoved them up my arse.”

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The following item, not quoted in full, is verbatim from the Daily Mail:

Of all the gaudy embellishments that billionaires have commissioned for their superyachts in recent years, few have come close to the vulgarity that graces the Koru — Jeff Bezos's new, £400 million floating pleasure palace.

On the vessel's prow, her bare breasts thrusting out over the waves, is a carved wooden figurehead that bears a striking resemblance to the Amazon founder's new fiancee, Lauren Sanchez.

Above the sculpture's gravity-defying cleavage is a necklace bearing the 'koru', a spiral based on an unfurling fern frond: in Maori art, it's a symbol of new life and growth. Given that the couple announced their engagement only this week, that seems appropriate.

If ever an engagement ring could match that figurehead for sheer overblown opulence, it is surely the gargantuan rock Sanchez was flashing last weekend as she and Bezos holidayed together in the South of France. Experts estimate the diamond could be as much as 30 carats and have cost more than £4 million.

Bezos, a notorious control freak, had reportedly waited until he took possession of the yacht last month before proposing to Sanchez during its maiden voyage.

Pics:




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A government food inspector in India has been suspended after he ordered an entire reservoir with millions of litres of water to be drained when he dropped his Samsung device while taking a selfie.


According to the BBC, it took three days for Rajesh Vishwas to find his phone. But by then, it was too broken to use from being so waterlogged.

Mr Vishwas has been accused of misusing his position, the outlet reported, despite claiming the phone held sensitive government data which needed saving.

The government official dropped his $1,200 phone into the Kherkatta Dam, in the central Indian state of Chhattisgarh.

Indian media quoted a video statement by Mr Vishwas in which he said he paid for a diesel pump after local divers could not find the phone. He reportedly said he had verbal permission from an official to drain “some water into a nearby canal”, and that the official even said it would help the farmers by giving them more water. Over several days, the pump emptied out roughly two million litres (440,000 gallons) of water before another official who had received a complaint turned up to stop him.

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A man has been praised for the revenge he took against his nuisance neighbours who would keep him up singing their lungs out during the night. He explained that a young couple moved into the apartment next to him about two months ago - and about how they would constantly be playing music or singing at all hours of the day.

Fed up, he came up with a master plan to put a stop to it once and for all. Taking to Reddit, he said: "The walls are paper thin and they love to blast music and sing really loud but they sound horrible.”

"Their bathroom is right against my bedroom wall and they'll sing at the top of their lungs at 3am or when I'm in a Teams meeting. I've asked them if they could keep it down multiple times but they just ignored me and called me an a***hole for having a problem with them being happy and singing - or told me to get a pair of noise-cancelling headphones.”

"I felt like they have no respect for their neighbours because the other guy next to them doesn't want to hear them screeching at the top of their lungs either."

To get his own back, he borrowed a set of speakers from a friend and pressed them up against their adjoining wall before blasting The Trashmen's Surfin Bird - The Bird is the Word for 14 hours straight.

"I put it on full blast and started playing Bird is the Word on repeat from 8am when there is no noise ordinance against noise," he added.

"The wall even trembles. I definitely woke them up after their late night.”

"Every time the song ends I could hear them banging against the wall telling me shut up.

"They came knocking on my door extremely p***ed off and I just told them 'What kind of a***hole are you that you don't like music' and slammed the door."

Before taking such drastic measures, he spoke to his other surrounding neighbours to get their approval, with many praising him for making a stand.

Hear Surfin' Bird by clicking on:





Friday, May 26, 2023

QUOTE FOR THE DAY

 



THE WOKE MAFIA V FREEDOM OF SPEECH


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Sarah Vine (born 16 April 1967) is a British columnist who has written for the Daily Mail since 2013. She was previously arts editor at The Times and was previously married to Conservative MP Michael Gove.


The following article by Sarah Vine is from the Daily Mail and deserves wider dissemination.

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There's a new type of cultural mafia in town. If we don't stand up to them, free speech will cease to exist

Sarah Vine for the Daily Mail, 24 May 2023


Let me tell you a story. I knew an old man once, in Italy, who used to work for a management consultancy firm.

It was the early 1980s, a few years after one of the terrible earthquakes that periodically hit the country. Money came pouring in, via an international relief fund.

He was dispatched to visit a remote part of the disaster zone to check progress on reconstruction work that was taking place, funded by donations. But when he got there, there was nothing. Just dust and ruins. He went back to his hotel and rang head office, asking for clarification. They told him to wait for further instructions.

Eventually someone called back. He must have been mistaken, they said. Perhaps, suggested the caller, he should try again. Look more closely. This puzzled him. He was sure he'd gone to the right place, but nevertheless agreed to drive out again the next day, just to double check.

When he got there the following morning, a car was waiting for him. A well-dressed gentlemen got out and greeted him by name. 'So glad you could come to witness our progress,' he said, gesturing at the cracked ground. Then he reached into his inside jacket pocket just enough for the man to catch a glimpse of the .38 snub-nose Special nestling in its leather holster — and offered him a cigarette.

My old friend accepted. He thanked the stranger, got back in his car — and drove away as fast as he could. Back at his hotel, he filed his report. All in order. Nothing to see here.

This may sound like the opening scene to a Martin Scorsese film, but trust me, it's a true story. Not just of corruption, but also of fear — and how fear can very quickly throw our moral compass off balance. People will do or say anything when there's a gun to their head.

We like to kid ourselves we live in more civilised times, but the truth is these days we all have that metaphorical gun to our heads. There is a new kind of cultural mafia in town, one that styles itself as kind and caring and compassionate and socially sophisticated — but which is, in fact, just as ruthless, just as determined, to bend us to its will.

Every day, in all sorts of ways, they make us offers we can't refuse, and we find ourselves being asked to say and think things that are manifestly not true.

And so we agree that women can have penises (Lib Dem leader Ed Davey maintained in a radio interview on LBC today that this was 'quite clear'). And that men can give birth. We applaud as people with thighs like tree-trunks and Adam's apples accept first prize in female sporting competitions, dwarfing their exhausted and bemused rivals.

We do our best not to flinch as biological males get paid untold sums to advertise tampons and sports bras. We stand back as children are given puberty-blocking hormones and encouraged to mutilate their bodies. We allow convicted rapists to inveigle themselves into women's prisons.

We watch in silence as those whose views or behaviours don't comply with the dogma of the impeccably woke are defenestrated, their words and actions twisted out of all proportion.

We nod as our books and plays and comedy sketches are re-written, excised of nuance, purged of meaningful, thoughtful, original or — God forbid — humorous content. We accept our history being re-written out of context and time, sacrifice our heroes to the modern cult of victimhood and blame.

What else can we do? We see the threat, take the hint, keep our heads down. We play the game. Not because we want to, but because we have to. We've seen what happens to those who don't, and it's not pretty. Most people can't afford to lose their jobs, their livelihoods, their reputations.

When the woke mafia comes for you, they mean business, helped by the fact that they have skilfully infiltrated pretty much every institution in the land. Schools, universities, arts organisations, public bodies, the civil service, the law, medicine, certain sectors of the media. You name it, they own it. Or if they don't, they know someone who does.

And you never quite know who they are, which one of your colleagues or friends is going to be the one taking notes, recording your mistakes, totting up your infractions. They are the smiling assassins, the ones who cry discrimination, all the while singling out their targets for elimination.

If what you say or believe runs counter to their beliefs, they will come for you. Not in an open and honest way, not by engaging in a debate, or attempting to challenge you intellectually, but by means of intimidation. They will undermine your reputation, cast you as a monster, unleash the mob.

Home Secretary Suella Braverman, Dominic Raab, the late Queen's lady-in-waiting Susan Hussey, JK Rowling . . . the list is endless. Their latest target is Baroness Falkner, chair of the Equality and Human Rights Commission, a woman whose only 'fault', as far as I can see, was backing legal reforms guarding the rights of biological women in single-sex spaces.

Isn't it because of her stance — one shared by many women, including myself — that she has been targeted by the woke mob? Her ideology runs counter to theirs, and so she must be removed.

A series of derogatory allegations has been made, in most cases rather vague ones seemingly designed not so much to indict her of any specific crime, as to defame her character.

Falkner is being accused of 'bullying, harassment and discrimination', and of 'politicisation'. In similar vein, they tried to defame Braverman earlier this year after she visited Rwanda to discuss plans to send migrants there — by photoshopping her image onto a picture of the railway tracks leading to Auschwitz.

As I far as I can tell, Baroness Falkner is the victim of all of the above simply for daring to push back against the dogma that biological sex does not exist. Had she given in to this fantasy — and I'm afraid it is a fantasy — you can be certain she would not find herself in the dock.

Likewise, if Braverman had simply given up trying to find a way to curb immigration, no one would give two hoots about her speeding fine.

It takes courage to stand up to the mob, and not everyone has it. Not everyone has Rowling's deep pockets, or Braverman's thick skin. Not everyone can cope with having their reputation destroyed, their livelihoods stolen, their words and actions twisted beyond measure. Especially when, as in the case of Falkner, she is simply trying to safeguard vulnerable women in places such as prisons and hospital wards.

But the truth is that if we don't follow her example, and stand up to the threats of the woke mob, none of us will be safe. Freedom of expression will cease to exist, and we will have no choice but to believe what we are told, regardless of the reality staring us in the face.

Meaningful debate will be silenced, and we will be like my old friend standing in the earthquake zone, staring at the dust and ruins — and watching his integrity go up in smoke.






Thursday, May 25, 2023

THOUGHT FOR THE DAY

 



LAUGH


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Welcome to this week’s LAUGH, Byters and readers.

Driving to work I was listening to Billy Joel’s Piano Man, which has the lyric “And they sit at the bar and put bread in my jar”, which started me thinking. ‘Bread may have come from ‘dough’, but how did dough come to mean money? I thought I would do a Bytes post on it until I realised it was time for LAUGH, so the origin will come later. Today’s theme, though, is money.

By the way:

“The upper crust is a bunch of crumbs held together by a lot of dough.”

- c 1945, various possible source origins, see:

Enjoy.

As usual, a caution that there is risquΓ© content ahead.


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SOME HUMOUR:
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A Sunday school teacher posed a question to her class, "If I were to sell my house, car, donate my possessions to charity, and give all my money to the church, would I get into heaven?"

The children unanimously replied, "No."

The teacher then asked, "If I were to keep the church clean, mow the lawn, and keep everything neat and tidy, would I get into heaven?"

Once again, the answer was a resounding "No."

Apparently perplexed, the teacher asked, "Well, then how can I get into heaven?"

A quick-witted five-year-old boy piped up and replied, "You have to be dead!"
__________

I asked God for money

I later found out that God doesn't work that way.

So I robbed a bank, then asked for forgiveness.
__________

A televangelist at a mega-church down south was on stage, collecting money from the faithful and promising them he could help anyone.

A young man left the audience and came up on the stage and asked the televangelist to pray for his hearing. The televangelist starting chanting and took the young man by his shoulders and shook him. Then he cupped his hands over the young man's ears and said some more incantations and finally shouted to the heavens, "He is cured! Thank you Jesus!" The televangelist turned to the young man and said, "How's your hearing now?" and the young man said, "I don't know. It's not until 2pm Thursday."
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I asked the gym trainer what type of machine i should use to get the best looking women.

He said the ATM outside
__________

Once upon a time, a guy was sitting at a bar. He was throwing money around, giving the barman hundred dollar tips and buying drinks for everyone. He was surrounded by a crowd of adoring women.

The barman liked the tips, but he was kind of curious about a little man that would jump from the rich guy's pocket. The little man would run up and down the bar, kicking over the bowls of peanuts and giving people the finger. Then the little guy would jump back into the man's jacket for a while. The barman went over and asked the guy what was up.

The rich guy says, "Well, let me tell you a little story. I was walking along a beach one day, and I come across this lamp. I rub it, and a genie popped out. I got three wishes, so my first wish was to be fabulously wealthy. Then I wished for a harem. You can see I got both."

The barman asks, "So what about that little guy in your jacket?"

"Oh, that," mumbles the rich guy. "That's the twelve-inch prick I wished for."
__________

God created childbirth to give women the chance to experience what it's like...

For a guy to catch a cold....

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After Quasimodo’s death, the bishop of the cathedral of Notre Dame sent word through the streets of Paris that a new bellringer was needed. The bishop decided that he would conduct the interviews personally and went up into the belfry to begin the screening process.

After observing several applicants demonstrate their skills, he decided to call it a day when a lone, armless man approached him and announced that he was there to apply for the bellringer’s job. The bishop was incredulous. “You have no arms!” “No matter,” said the man, “Observe!”

He then began striking the bells with his face, producing a beautiful melody on the carillon. The bishop listened in astonishment, convinced that he had finally found a suitable replacement for Quasimodo. Suddenly, rushing forward to strike a bell, the armless man tripped, and plunged headlong out of the belfry window to his death in the street below. The stunned bishop rushed to his side. When he reached the street, a crowd had gathered around the fallen figure, drawn by the beautiful music they had heard only moments before. As they silently parted to let the bishop through, one of them asked, “Bishop, who was this man?” “I don’t know his name,” the bishop replied, sadly, “but his face rings a bell.”

The following day, despite the sadness that weighed heavily on his heart due to the unfortunate death of the armless campanologist, the bishop continued his interviews for the bellringer of Notre Dame. The first man to approach him said, “Your excellency, I am the brother of the poor, armless wretch that fell to his death from this very belfry yesterday. I pray that you honour his life by allowing me to replace him in this duty.”

The bishop agreed to give the man an audition, and as the armless man’s brother stooped to pick up a mallet to strike the first bell, he groaned, clutched at his chest and died on the spot. Two monks, hearing the bishop’s cries of grief at this second tragedy, rushed up the stairs to his side. “What has happened?” the first breathlessly asked, “Who is this man?”

“I don’t know his name,” sighed the distraught bishop, “But he’s a dead ringer for his brother.”

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LIMERICK OF THE WEEK:

There was an old maid of Duluth
Who wept when she thought of her youth,
And the glorious chances
She’d missed at school dances;
And once in a telephone booth.

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GALLERY:


For Rob . . . 





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CORN CORNER:
__________

I’m a good man, I give 50% of my money to charity.

Except when she’s not working, I give it to destiny.
__________

What's made of leather and sounds like a sneeze?

A shoe.
__________

Officer: The victims were sacrificed on a shrine made of antlers.

Detective: Dear god !

Officer: Most likely, yes.
__________

When I'm around my Spanish-speaking friends I always use the word "mucho"...

It means a lot to them.

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