Friday, November 17, 2023


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Still having computer server problems that stops the emails going out. Sorry Byters.

In the meantime, here is some humour from the vault . . . .

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Some Arnold Schwarzenegger funnies . . .

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Arnold Schwarzenegger was asked if he wanted to upgrade to Windows 7.

He replied, "I still love Vista, baby".

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I went into a library dressed as a German classical composer and asked for a book on Austrian actors.

The librarian said, "Aisle B, Bach."

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Unfortunately, Arnold Schwarzenegger could never be president of America because he is not American.

Well... We all know what happened last time an Austrian took over a foreign country...

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Arnold Schwarzenegger was upset that his mum never got him any Easter eggs.

She said, "I thought that you didn't like Easter anymore!"

Arnie replied, "I still love Easter baby!"

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So Arnie has confirmed he's in Terminator 5.

"I'll be back!" will be replaced with "Ow my back!"

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I challenged Arnold Schwarzenegger to a game of chess the other day, I said "Arnie which colour do you want to be?" He replied "I'll be black."

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Last night I saw a preview of Arnold Schwarzenegger's new low budget film where he goes on a rampage killing all Indian men in sight.

It's called 'The Turbanhater'

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When Arnold Schwarzenegger dies, will he be an ex-terminator?

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Arnold Schwarzenegger had just run the New York marathon. He was lying on his couch and his feet were killing him.

"Is there anything I can do for you Arnie?" asked his wife.

"Ya" replied Arnie. "Plasta ma blista baby"

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I just saw Arnold Schwarzenegger on the train eating a sandwich that stunk the whole carriage out.

"Fucking hell!" I said, "What have you got in there? A tuna sandwich?"

He was adamant that it was not.

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Film producers wanted to make a movie about classical music composers starring Leonardo Dicaprio, Hugh Grant and Arnold Schwarzenegger. They ask Leonardo who he wants to be and he answers "I want to be Beethoven because I've always liked him". Next they ask Hugh and he says "I want to be Mozart because I've always liked him" lastly they ask Arnold and he says "I'll be Bach!"

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Arnold Schwarzenegger has developed a condition which means that his nose is always cold.

Close friends are now calling him Chilly Konk Arnie.

A woman's husband died. He had $20,000 to his name. After paying all of the funeral expenses, she told her closest friend that there was no money left.

The friend asked, "How can that be? You told me he had $20,000 a few days before he died. How could you be broke?"

The widow replied, "Well, the funeral cost me $6,500. And, of course, I had to make the obligatory donation to the church, pay the organist and all. That was $500, and I spent another $500 for the wake, the food and drinks, you know. The rest went for the memorial stone."

The friend asked, "$12,500 for the memorial stone? My God, how big was it?"

The widow replied, "Three carats."

The trainer was giving last minute instructions to the jockey and appeared to slip something into the horse's mouth just as a steward walked by. "What was that?" inquired the steward. "Oh nothing" said the trainer, "just a polo mint". He offered one to the steward and had one himself. After the suspicious steward had left the scene the trainer continued with his instructions "Just keep on the rail. You are on a certainty. The only thing that could possibly pass you down the home straight is either the steward or me".

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There was a young girl of Cape Cod
Who thought babies were fashioned by God,
But ’twas not The Almighty
Who lifted her nightie,
But Roger the lodger, the sod!

Alternative version:

There was a young girl of Cape Cod
Who dreamt she'd been buggered by God.
But it wasn't Jehovah
That turned the girl over,
'Twas Roger the lodger, the dirty old codger,
the bugger, the bastard, the sod!

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At the church meeting, the preacher announced, "Anyone with a special concern or problem who wants to be prayed over, please come forward." Billy Bob got in line, and when it was his turn, the preacher asked, "Billy Bob, what is your need that you want me to pray about?”

Billy Bob replied, "Preacher, I need you to pray for help with my hearing." The preacher put one finger of one hand on Billy Bob’s ear, placed his other hand on top of Billy Bob’s head, and then prayed and prayed and prayed. He prayed a blue streak for Billy Bob and the whole congregation joined in with great enthusiasm.

After a few minutes, the preacher removed his hands, stood back and asked, "Billy Bob, how is your hearing now?"

Billy Bob answered, "I don't know. It ain't 'til next week.”

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My friend recently died; he drowned.

So, at his funeral, instead of a wreath, we put a life belt on the coffin.

...well, it's what he'd have wanted.

My wife turned to me during her mother's funeral and hissed, "When we get home later, I'm going to make you pay for this!"

For the life of me I couldn't think of what I had done wrong.

Maybe it's because I wasn't sharing my popcorn.

The other day I realised I can exactly replicate the sound of hitting two coconut shells together simply by riding a horse down a cobbled street.

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