Friday, December 1, 2023


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Having had a few Bytes items about Pastor Niemoller in the last few days and wondering what to post for Funny Friday, I settled on pastors and religion.

Enjoy, my Byter congregation.

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Timmy didn’t want to put his money in the offering plate Sunday morning, so his mother decided to use some hurried creative reasoning with him.

“You don’t want that money, honey,” she whispered in his ear. “Quick! Drop it in the plate. It’s tainted!”

Horrified, the little boy obeyed.

After a few seconds he whispered, “But, mommy, why was the money tainted? Was it dirty?

“Oh, no dear,” she replied. “It’s not really dirty. It just ‘taint yours, and it ‘taint mine,” she replied. “It’s God’s.”

Mrs. Smartt was fumbling in her purse for her offering when a large television remote fell out and clattered into the aisle.

The curious usher bent over to retrieve it for her and whispered, “Do you always carry your TV remote to church?”

“No,” she replied, “but my husband refused to come with me this morning, and I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him legally.”

The weary evangelist knocked on another door, fully expecting to have it slammed in his face. Sure enough, the older woman who answered, angrily demanded that he leave once she figured out why he was there and slammed the door.

The door, however, bounced back open, and the woman shouted, “Get your foot out of my door!”

“But ma’am…” the evangelist began, when the woman again slammed the door in his face. Once again it bounced back open.

“I said get your foot out of my door!” the woman yelled again. One more time she slammed the door. One more time it bounced open again.

“But ma’am…” the evangelist said again, only to be cut off.

“Don’t talk back to me!” the woman screamed in a rage. “I want you off my property!” She slammed the door a fourth time, only to see it bounce open a fourth time.

“Ma’am,” the evangelist yelled as he beat a hasty retreat down the sidewalk, “you’ll be able to close your door if you move your cat out of the way!”

The young couple invited their aged pastor for Sunday dinner. While they were in the kitchen preparing the meal, the minister asked their son what they were having. “Goat,” the little boy replied.

“Goat?” replied the startled pastor. “Are you sure about that?”

“Yes,” said the boy. “On the drive back from church I heard Mom say to Dad, ‘Remember, we’re having the old goat for dinner tonight.’ ”

When I turned 18, I went down to the courthouse to petition to change my name.

The clerk asked me why. "Just look at my application," I said. "If you were named Oskar Von Wootengootenbootenshoot, wouldn't you want something different?"

The clerk said, "I suppose you've got a point."

I said, "Yeah, I don't like Oskar, either."

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Sister Mary, who worked for a home health agency, was making her rounds visiting homebound patients when she ran out of gas. A filling station was only a block away, but the attendant said they had no gas can for her to borrow.

Sister Mary returned to her car to see if there was a gas can in the trunk. There wasn’t, but she found a bedpan. Being resourceful she took it to the station and asked the attendant to fill ‘er up.

As she was pouring the gas into her tank two men watched from across the street. One of them turned to the other and said, “If it starts, I’m turning Catholic!”

A man from the city bought himself a farm.

On his first day at the farm he was walking his acres, discovering the creeks, hills and other features when he came upon a large hole in the ground. He looked inside but he could see only blackness. He picked up a small stone and dropped it into the hole, waiting to hear it strike the bottom to ascertain its depth, but he heard nothing.

He then dropped in a larger stone, with his ear held over the hole, but again he heard nothing.

Looking around he noticed a railway sleeper. With some effort he managed to push it into the hole. As he waited to hear the sound of it striking the bottom, a goat ran out from some nearby bushes and charged staright at him. He managed to get out of its way at the last moment but the goat continued straight on, into the hole.

A short while later a man came by and said to him “’Scuse me, mate, but you haven’t seen a goat around here anywhere, have you?”

”Well, as a matter of fact I have,” he replied. “A goat came out of those bushes, charged at me and dived into this hole.”

“That wouldn’t be my goat,” he replied, “mine’s tied to a railway sleeper.”

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A lonely young lad of Eton
Used always to sleep with the heat on,
Till he ran into a lass
Who showed him her ass –
Now they sleep with only a sheet on.

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God is talking to one of his angels and says, “Do you know what I have just done? I have just created a 24-hour period of alternating light and darkness on Earth. Isn’t that good?”

The angel says, “Yes, but what will you do now?”

God says, “I think I’ll call it a day.”

Why did god make it so painful to give birth?

So for once, women get to know what it’s like for a man to have the flu

Philip was walking home in the rain with his mother following Sunday worship. It finally stopped raining as they rounded the corner, where to their surprise and delight appeared a vivid double rainbow in the sky.

“Doesn’t it look like an artist painted this rainbow?” his mother exclaimed. “I bet God painted this just for you!”

“Yes,” replied Philip, “God did it, and he did it left handed.”

Confused, his mother asked him, “What makes you say God did this with his left hand?”

“Well,” said Philip, “we learned in Sunday School that Jesus sits on God’s right hand.”

People said I’d never get over my obsession with Phil Collins.

But take a look at me now.

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