Bytes: FUNNY FRIDAY

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Todays’ Funny Friday has some tree humour but be cautioned, there is also risque content.

Enjoy Byters and Happy 2024 to us all.

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SOME HUMOUR:

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A guy walks into a bar with a dog

Bartender: "What do you think you're doing, buddy! Can't you read ? No animals allowed!"

Guy: "But this is no ordinary dog, it's a talking dog!"

Bartender: "Really ?"

Guy: "Yeah!"

Bartender: "Then let's make a bet! Make your dog say something and if he can talk then not only will I let you stay but I'll let you drink for free. But if he can't then I'll kick you both out!"

The guy accepts the bet and turns to his dog

Guy: "Hey, boy! Can you tell me what a tree is covered in ?"

Dog: "Bark!"

Guy: "Eh ?"

Bartender: "Nice try, but that was just barking. Now get out!"

Dog: "God dammnit! I knew I should have said "leaves"!"

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This one’s for Dave, who lives in Glasgow . . .

A man walks into a bar with an octopus under his arm...

They make their way up to the bar where the man sets the octopus down on a stool.

The bartender (Doug) says "Damn, not another one. Ok, what can your animal do?"

Steve replies "You get a lot of talented animals do you? Well, Gropey can play any musical instrument known to man"

Doug says, "Ok, let's see a sample of what he's got, and we'll make a deal"

Steve turns to Gropey, points to the piano across the room, and simply says "Play". Gropey excitedly hops off the stool, waddles across the room, hops onto the piano bench and plays Mozart like you've never heard him played before.

"Well", says Doug, "Your drinks are free as long as Gropey here can in fact play every instrument given him, if not, you'll have to pay the tab at the end."

Steve agrees.

The crowd is amazed, and a young lady comes up to Gropey and hands him her violin. Gropey grabs the violin and plays The Chaconne from Sonata No. 2 in D minor with such precision it brings tears to the young lady's eyes.

The crowd is now enthused. They bring Gropey instrument after instrument, which he plays beautifully.

Finally, after a few hours (and several free beers), the crowd is out of instruments, and Gropey lays down on the floor.

"Well," says Steve, "Guess my drinks are on the house"

Doug, a little worried about paying the large tab, says "There's got to be something, hang on a sec" and heads into the back. After several minutes of banging and a little cursing, Doug emerges with a smile on his face and tosses something into the middle of the floor.

Bagpipes. Gropey is all over them, wraps his arms around them and starts rolling around on the floor.

After a few minutes, Doug triumphantly says "Well I guess we finally stumped him. That'll be $84.50"

To which Steve replies "Hang on, as soon as he figures out he can't fuck it, he'll play it"

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Two tall trees, a birch and a beech, are growing in the woods. A small tree begins to grow between them, and the beech says to the birch, 'Is that a son of a beech or a son of a birch?' The birch says he cannot tell, but just then a woodpecker lands on the sapling.

The birch says, 'Woodpecker, you are a tree expert. Can you tell if that is a son of a beech or a son of a birch?'

The woodpecker takes a taste of the small tree and replies, 'It is neither a son of a beech nor a son of a birch. It is, however, the best piece of ash I have ever poked my pecker into.

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HOW TO GIVE A CAT A PILL

Pick cat up and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth.Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.

Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa.Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.

Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.

Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.

Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse from garden.

Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.

Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines and vases from hearth and set to one side for gluing later. Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head just visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.

Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink 1 beer to take taste away. Apply Band-Aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.

Retrieve cat from neighbour's shed. Get another pill. Open another beer. Place cat in cupboard and close door onto neck to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.

Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges. Drink beer. Fetch bottle of scotch. Pour shot, drink. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus jab. Apply whiskey compress to cheek to disinfect. Toss back another shot. Throw t-shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.

Ring fire brigade to retrieve the fucking cat from tree across the road. Apologise to neighbour who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil wrap.

Tie the little bastard's front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table, find heavy duty pruning gloves from shed. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of fillet steak. Be rough about it. Hold head vertically and pour 2 pints of water down throat to wash it down.

Consume remainder of Scotch. Get spouse to drive you to the emergency room, sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye. Call furniture shop on way home to order new table.

Arrange for RSPCA to collect mutant cat from hell and ring local pet shop to see if they have any hamsters.

HOW TO GIVE A DOG A PILL

Wrap it in bacon.

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Two Mexicans are stuck in the desert after crossing into the United States , wandering aimlessly and starving. They are about to just lie down and wait for death, when all of a sudden Luis says.........

"Hey Pepe, do you smell what I smell. Ees bacon, I theenk."

"Si, Luis, eet sure smells like bacon. "

With renewed hope they struggle up the next sand dune, & there, in the distance, is a tree loaded with bacon.

There's raw bacon, there's fried bacon, back bacon, double smoked bacon ... Every imaginable kind of cured pork.

"Pepe, Pepe, we ees saved. Ees a bacon tree."

"Luis, maybe ees a meerage? We ees in the desert don't forget."

"Pepe, since when deed you ever hear of a meerage that smell like bacon...ees no meerage, ees a bacon tree."

And with that, Luis staggers towards the tree. He gets to within 5 metres, Pepe crawling close behind, when suddenly a machine gun opens up, and Luis drops like a wet sock. Mortally wounded, he warns Pepe with his dying breath,

"Pepe... Go back man, you was right, ees not a bacon tree!"

"Luis, Luis Mi amigo... What ees it? "

"Pepe.. Ees not a bacon tree. Ees

Ees

Ees a ham bush...."

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