Friday, September 15, 2017

Funny Friday


Following on from yesterday’s item about trivia team names, the themes of the next three Funny Fridays will be . . . Sex, Drugs and Rock n Roll.

First up, today: Sex.


A little girl and boy are fighting about the differences between the sexes, and which one is better. Finally, the boy drops his pants and says, “Here’s something I have that you’ll never have!” The little girl is pretty upset by this, since it is clearly true, and runs home crying. A while later, she comes running back with a smile on her face. She drops her pants and says, “My mommy says that when I’m older, with one of these I can have as many of those as I want!”


A lady goes to the doctor and complains that her husband is losing interest in sex. The doctor gives her a pill, but warns her that it's still experimental. He tells her to slip it into his mashed potatoes at dinner, so that night, she does just that. 

About a week later, she’s back at the doctor, where she says, "Doc, the pill worked great! I put it in the potatoes like you said! It wasn't five minutes later that he jumped up, raked all the food and dishes onto the floor, grabbed me, ripped all my clothes off, and ravaged me right there on the table!"

The doctor says, "I’m sorry, we didn’t realise the pill was that strong! The foundation will be glad to pay for any damages." 

"Nah," she says, "that's okay. We're never going back to that restaurant anyway."


A redneck couple goes to a hotel for their honeymoon. The husband goes to the front desk and stresses that this is a very important occasion and they'll need a deluxe suite.

The clerk says, "Well, I can give you the bridal.

The fellow thinks a moment and replies, "No, that's not necessary. I'll just hold onto her ears until she gets used to it."


A repost from past Bytes but a goodie . . . 

A young Chinese couple get married. She's a virgin and they are both waiters. Truth be told, he is a virgin too, but she doesn't know that.

On their wedding night, she cowers naked under the sheets, as her husband undresses in the darkness. 

He climbs into bed next to her and tries to be reassuring. "My darring," he whispers, "I know dis you firss time and you berry flighten. I plomise you, I give you anyting you want, I do anyting juss anyting you want. You juss ask.” “Whatchu want?" he says, trying to sound experienced and worldly, which he hopes will impress her.

A thoughtful silence follows, and he waits patiently and eagerly for her request.

She eventually shyly whispers back, "I want try someting I have heard about from other girls ... Nummaa 69".

More thoughtful silence, but this time from him. Eventually, in a puzzled tone he asks her . . . "You want . . . garric chicken with corrifrowa?"


And a classic . . . 

A sailor drops anchor in a port and heads into the nearest pub. Everyone in the pub is whispering and pointing at him because of his odd shaped body; he has a very muscular body, but a very tiny head on his shoulders. As he orders his drink, he tells the bartender, "I'll explain. I get this in every port and town I visit. I caught a mermaid and she granted me three wishes if I would release her back into the sea. So I told her I wanted a yacht and, sure enough, she came through for me. Next, I asked for a million bucks and now I am set for life. Last of all, I asked her if I could have sex with her and her response was, 'I don't know how you can make love to me with your type of body.' So I asked her, 'How about a little head?'"


A redneck comes home unexpectedly and finds the doctor in bed with is wife. “What do you think you’re doin’, Doc?” he asks. “I’m, er, taking your wife’s temperature,” replied the doctor. “Well, I don’t know much about doctorin’,” said the redneck as he took his shotgun from the wall, “but that thing better have numbers on it when you take it out.”


Worried about their less than exciting sex life, a young wife sends her husband to a therapist who winds up treating him with self-hypnosis. To her joy, everything gets much better. However, she can't help but notice that each night, just before their lovemaking, the husband dashes out to the bathroom for several minutes. This torments her until finally, one night, she follows him. There, in front of the mirror, she finds him applying this therapeutic technique, "She's not my wife. She's not my wife. She's not my wife.”




Corn Corner:

Two men broke into a drugstore and stole all the Viagra. The police put out an alert to be on the lookout for the two hardened criminals.

What’s the difference between a tyre and 365 used condoms?
One’s a Goodyear. The other’s a great year.

I asked a Chinese girl for her number. 
She said, "Sex! Sex! Sex! Free sex tonight!"
I said, "Wow!" 
Then her friend said, "She means 666-3629."

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