Friday, September 8, 2017

Funny Friday


What with escalating international tensions and Mother Nature also unleashing, we need more than ever a bit of humour as a brief diversion.  So here is a mixed bag of laughs for today's Funny Friday.

Caution: there is some risque content.


A beautiful princess came upon a frog in a meadow near her castle.

The frog hopped into the princess' lap and said, "My lady, one kiss from you, and I will turn back into the dapper, young prince that I once was, and then, my sweet, we can marry and set-up housekeeping in yon castle with my mother, where you can prepare my meals, clean my clothes, bear my children and forever be happy doing so."

That night, as the princess dined on lightly sauteed frog legs, she chuckled to herself, "I don't think so."


And on the same topic . . . 

An 86 year-old man is out fishing. He was sitting in his boat when he heard a voice say,
"Pick me up!"
He looked around and did not see any one. He thought he was dreaming until he heard the voice again.
"Pick me up." The old man looked in the water and there, floating on a lilly pad was a frog.
The man said, "Are you talking to me?" 
The frog replied, "Yes, I'm talking to you. Pick me up. Then, kiss me and I'll turn into the most beautiful woman you have ever seen. I'll make sure that all your friends are envious and jealous because you will have me as your bride."

The man looked at the frog for a minute in confusion, reached over, picked it up carefully, and placed it in his front pocket.
The frog screamed, "What, are you nuts? Didn't you hear what I said?? I said kiss me and I will be your beautiful bride!"
He opened his pocket, looked at the frog and said,
"Nah, at my age I'd rather have a talking frog."


A woman walks into a Rolls Royce dealership. She browses around, spots the Top-of-the-line Rolls and walks over to inspect it. As she bends over to feel the fine leather upholstery, she inadvertently breaks wind. Very embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone has noticed her little accident and prays that a sales person doesn't pop up right now.

As she turns around, her worst nightmare materialises in the form of a salesman standing right behind her. Cool as a cucumber and displaying complete professionalism, the salesman greets the lady with, "Good day, Madam. How may we help you today?" 

Very uncomfortably, but hoping that the salesman may just not have been there at the time of her accident, she asks, "Sir, what is the price of this lovely vehicle?" 

He answers, "Madam, if you farted just touching it, you are going to shit yourself when I tell you the price." 


Pinocchio had a human girlfriend who would sometimes complain about splinters when they had sex. Pinocchio therefore went to visit Gepetto to see if he could help. Gepetto suggested he try a little sandpaper wherever indicated and Pinocchio skipped away enlightened. A couple of weeks later, Gepetto saw Pinocchio bouncing happily through town and asked him, "How's the girlfriend?" Pinocchio replied, "Who needs a girlfriend?" 


A guy was in court for a double murder and the judge said, "You are charged with beating your wife to death with a wrench." A voice at the back of the courtroom yelled out, "You bastard!"

The judge continued, "You are also charged with beating your daughter to death with a wrench."

Again, the voice at the back of the courtroom yelled out, "You fucking bastard!!!"

The judge stopped, looked at the man at the back of the courtroom, and said, "Sir, I can understand your anger and frustration at this crime, but I will not have any more of these outbursts from you or I shall charge you with contempt of court! Now what is the problem?"

The guy at the back of the court stood up and responded, "For fifteen years I lived next door to that bastard. And every time I asked to borrow a fucking wrench, he said he didn't have one!"


A Norwegian took a trip to Fargo, North Dakota. While in a bar, an Indian on the next stool spoke to the Norwegian in a friendly manner.

"Look," he said, "let's have a little game. I'll ask you a riddle. If you can answer it, I'll buy you a drink. If you can't then you buy me one. OK?"

"Ja, dat sounds purty good," said the Norwegian.

The Indian said, "My father and mother had one child. It wasn't my brother. It wasn't my sister. Who was it?"

The Norwegian scratched his head and finally said, "I give up. Who vas it?"

"It was ME," chortled the Indian.

So the Norwegian paid for the drinks.

Back in Sioux Falls the Norwegian went into the bar and spotted one of his cronies.

"Sven," he said, "I got a game. If you can answer a question, I'll buy you a drink. If you can't, you have to buy me vun. Fair enough?"

"Fair enough," said Sven.

"Ok," the Norwegian said, "my father and mudder had vun child. It vasn't my brudder. It vasn't my sister. Who vas it?"

"Search me," said Sven. "I give up, who vas it?"

The Norwegian burst out, "It vas some Indian up in Fargo, North Dakota!"


"Don't laugh!" said the patient, Ed.

"Of course I won't laugh," the doctor said. "I'm a professional. In over twenty years I've never laughed at a patient."

"Okay then," Ed said, and proceeded to drop his trousers, revealing the tiniest penis the doctor had ever seen. It could not have been bigger than the size of a Triple A battery.

Unable to control himself, the doctor started giggling, and then fell laughing to the floor.

Ten minutes later, he was able to struggle to his feet and regain his composure. "I'm so sorry," said the doctor. "I really am. I do not know what came over me. On my honour as a doctor and a gentleman, I promise it will not happen again. Now what seems to be the problem?"

"It's swollen," Ed replied...



Corn Corner:


Luke Skywalker and Obi-Wan Kenobi are in a Chinese restaurant and Luke's having trouble with the chopsticks.

Finally, Obi-Wan says, "Use the forks, Luke.


A long time ago in a galaxy far far away, it’s Christmas time. Darth Vader and Luke Skywalker are having a lightsaber battle. Darth Vader says to Luke " I know what you’re getting for Christmas" Luke says "Eh?" Darth Vader says again to Luke " I know what you’re getting for Christmas.”

Luke says " How would you know that?"

Darth Vader says " I felt your presents.”


What do you call a Deer with one-eye?

I have no idea.


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