Friday, December 15, 2017

Funny Friday

As we get closer to Christmas and as things get busier, is it just me who thinks hang in there, wait until Christmas, then you can relax, sleep, take it easy . . . ?

For those who also feel that way, here is an opportunity to take a few minutes off, have a coffee and read some funnies.

It's a mixed bag today, inclduing some thought provokers, including about anti-vaxxers and the cartoons of Bizarro that sometimes need some pondering.

Also, a cheerio to my father in law, Noel, who is now out of hospital after surgery. Welcome back, cobber. Noel and I have a pact, that we will do each other's eulogy, depending on who goes first. He told my wife, Kate, after I returned home from hospital when I had the bout with septicaemia (spelling?): "I'll put the eulogy back in the drawer, then." Love ya, Noel.

One final word on the gay marriage issue and the objections on religious grounds . . .

Homosexuality is wrong because it is unnatural. Now, let’s learn about a man born of virgin birth, that healed lepers and blind people with his hands, walked on water, turned water into wine, and how all the wrong in the world happened because a rib ate an apple because a talking snake told her to.

Two salesmen were going door to door, and knocked on the door of a woman who was not happy to see them. She told them in no uncertain terms that she did not want to hear their offer and slammed the door in their faces. To her surprise, however, the door did not close and, in fact, bounced back open. She tried again, really put her back into it, and slammed the door again with the same result - the door bounced back open. Convinced these rude salesmen were sticking their foot in the door, she reared back to give it a slam that would teach them a lesson, when one of the men said: "Ma'am, before you do that again, you need to move your cat."

A child asked his father, "How were people born?" So his father said, "Adam and Eve made babies, then their babies became adults and made babies, and so on." The child then went to his mother, asked her the same question and she told him, "We were monkeys then we evolved to become like we are now." The child ran back to his father and said, "You lied to me!" His father replied, "No, your mother was talking about her side of the family."

Teacher: "If I gave you 2 cats and another 2 cats and another 2, how many would you have?"
Johnny: "Seven."
Teacher: "No, listen carefully... If I gave you two cats, and another two cats and another two, how many would you have?"
Johnny: "Seven."
Teacher: "Let me put it to you differently. If I gave you two apples, and another two apples and another two, how many would you have?"
Johnny: "Six."
Teacher: "Good. Now if I gave you two cats, and another two cats and another two, how many would you have?"
Johnny: "Seven!"
Teacher: "Johnny, where in the heck do you get seven from?!"
Johnny: "Because I've already got a cat!"

An American automobile company and a Japanese auto company decided to have a competitive boat race on the Detroit River. Both teams practiced hard and long to reach their peak performance. On the big day, they were as ready as they could be.

The Japanese team won by a mile.

Afterwards, the American team became discouraged by the loss and their morale sagged. Corporate management decided that the reason for the crushing defeat had to be found. A Continuous Measurable Improvement Team of "Executives" was set up to investigate the problem and to recommend appropriate corrective action.

Their conclusion: The problem was that the Japanese team had 8 people rowing and 1 person steering, whereas the American team had 1 person rowing and 8 people steering. The American Corporate Steering Committee immediately hired a consulting firm to do a study on the management structure.

After some time and billions of dollars, the consulting firm concluded that "too many people were steering and not enough rowing." To prevent losing to the Japanese again next year, the management structure was changed to "4 Steering Managers, 3 Area Steering Managers, and 1 Staff Steering Manager" and a new performance system for the person rowing the boat to give more incentive to work harder and become a six sigma performer. "We must give him empowerment and enrichment." That ought to do it.

The next year the Japanese team won by two miles.

The American Corporation laid off the rower for poor performance, sold all of the paddles, cancelled all capital investments for new equipment, halted development of a new canoe, awarded high performance awards to the consulting firm, and distributed the money saved as bonuses to the senior executives.

I love the cartoons of Bizarro, here are some . . . 

According to Dan Piraro, who has drawn the Bizarro cartoons every day for 32 years, the following cartoon drew a lotof response, the most ever to a cartoon, mostly hate mail from anti-vaxxers.  Not all tghe response was negative, according to Piraro:  “Many doctors and other people in and around the healthcare world responded very positively and asked if they could use the cartoon in their efforts to inform the public. I always love it when my cartoons get used as teaching tools.”

Corn Corner:

Teacher: "Kids, what does the chicken give you?"
Student: "Meat!"
Teacher: "Very good! Now what does the pig give you?"
Student: "Bacon!"
Teacher: "Great! And what does the cow give you?"
Student: "Homework!"

Q: What did the green grape say to the purple grape? 

A: "Breathe, damn it, breathe!"

Q: Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocaine during a root canal? 

A: He wanted to transcend dental medication.

Q: What's the difference between deer nuts and beer nuts? 

A: Beer nuts are $1.50 and deer nuts are under a buck.

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