Friday, June 15, 2018

Funny Friday


A cocktail of miscellaneous humour for today’s Funny Friday, with a couple of repeats. Hopefully you will crack a smile, have a chuckle, maybe even enjoy a big belly laugh. 

As always, a caution . . . there is some risqué content and salty language ahead. 

The following item is reposted because it came up in a conversation during the week when I quoted the last word and then had to explain where it came from. Feel free to quote it yourself, like me prefacing it with “As God once said . . “ 


Saul is working in his store when he hears a booming voice from above: 
"Saul, sell your business." 
He ignores it. It goes on for days. 
"Saul, sell your business for $3 million." 
After weeks of this, he relents, sells his store. 
The voice says “Saul, go to Las Vegas." 
He asks why. 
"Saul, take the $3 million to Las Vegas." 
He obeys, goes to a casino. 
The voice says, "Saul , go to the blackjack table and put it down all on one hand." 
He hesitates but knows he must. 
He’s dealt an 18. 
The dealer has a six showing. 
"Saul, take a card." 
What? The dealer has -- 
"Take a card!" 
He tells the dealer to hit him. 
Saul gets an ace. 
He breathes easy. 
"Saul, take another card." 
He asks for another card. 
It’s another ace. 
He has twenty. 
"Saul, take another card," the voice commands. 
I have twenty! Saul shouts. 
"TAKE ANOTHER CARD!!" booms the voice. 
Hit me, Saul says. 
He gets another ace. 
Twenty one. 
The booming voice goes: "Un-fucking-believable!" 

Two drovers (for overseas readers, in Australia drovers are the equivalent of cowboys) are out in the back of beyond (the outback, aka the never never) having an argument about who has the smarter dog. 

Drover One: "I can prove it, Red fetch us a feed!" 

A couple of hours go by without old Red coming back, and Drover One wears it solid but Red finally crawls back with a bunch of bananas looking much the worse for wear. 

Drover Two: "Not too shabby but watch this, Blue fetch us a feed!". 

Blue takes off at a rate of knots, comes back with a stick. 

Drover One pisses himself laughing but Blue carries on disappearing, coming back with sticks and Drover Two just smiles. 

This carries on for half an hour, before Blue comes back with a billy full of water and takes off again. 

Drover One is looking a little less smug but still laughing. 

Blue comes back with two eggs, drops them into the billy, lights the fire, swings the billy, times the eggs to perfection, puts out the fire, tips the hot water out and sticks his bum in the air. 

Drover One: "Well f@#k me, you do have the smarter dog but why has he buried his face in the sand with his arse waving in the breeze? 

Drover Two: "He knows I don't have an egg cup!" 

Two Aussie cattle drovers are standing in an outback bar. 
One asked, "What are you up to, mate?" 
The other replied, "Ahh, I'm takin' a mob of 6000 from Goondiwindi to Gympie." 
"Oh yeah ... and what route are you takin'?" 
"Ah, probably the missus; after all, she stuck by me durin' the drought." 

Q: Why are redneck murders the hardest to solve? 

A: All the DNA matches and there's no dental records. 

Air Hostess asks a guy... "Can I offer you free head phones?" 

The guy replies... "Definitely! But how did you know my name was phones?” 

And another drover one to conclude, although a repost: 

Col and Frank were drovers who had come to town for a beer. At the bar, Col got into conversation with another man and said “So what do you do for a living?” The man replied “I’m a taxidermist. I stuff animals.” 
“Do you stuff sheep?” Col asked. 
“Do you stuff kangaroos?” 
“All the time.” 
“What about dogs?” 
“Yes, often.” 
Later, Frank asked Col “What is he then?” 
Col replied “He says he’s a taxi bloke but I reckon he’s a drover like us.” 


Thanks to John P fotr sending me the first item . . . 


Corn Corner: 

I called the bicycle factory and asked to speak to whoever was in charge of wheels. The person who answered said they weren’t there.. I asked, “Okay, who are you?” They said, “His spokes person." 

The police came to my mate’s door today holding a picture of his wife. 'Is this your wife ,sir?' the copper asked. 'Yes,' he answered. 
‘I'm afraid it looks like she's been run over by a bus,’ said the copper. 
'I know', he said, 'but she’s a good cook and she's very good with the kids.'’ 

Times are hard, so whenever I'm filling up at the petrol pump I take my time... 
That way it looks like I can afford to spend more than a tenner.

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