Friday, September 21, 2018

Funny Friday


It is truly a groaner of a Friday today, readers, more quickies, corn and puns than you could shake a clichΓ© at. Still, there might be a smile or two, perhaps even a laugh, in there. Enjoy.


A woman walks into a pet shop and sees 3 parrots for sale, $100 $200 and $15. The woman asks ''Why is that parrot so cheap? “ The shopkeeper replies ''’Cos it used to live in a brothel.'' The woman thinks it’s funny, so buys the parrot. When she gets home the parrot says ''Fuck me, a new brothel.'' The woman laughs. Her two daughters come home and the parrot says ''Fuck me, new prozzies.'' The girls laugh. The husband comes home and the parrot says ''Fuck me, Keith. I haven’t seen you for weeks!" 


A doctor reaches into his smock to get a pen to write a prescription and pulls out a rectal thermometer. "Oh, damn it," he proclaims, "Some asshole has my pen!" 




Corn Corner: 

We were so poor growing up that for Christmas I'd receive a pack of batteries with a label on it that said 'Toys not Included'. 

An Indian builder has fallen through a roof at a Lionel Richie concert! 
A spokesman said... "The last thing I saw was Dan Singh on the ceiling" 

The level of pollution in the world today is becoming intolerable. 
Only the other day I opened a can of sardines to find it was full of oil and all the fish were dead. 

An obese man went to the doctor and asked for advice on how to lose weight The doctor said “ You need to shake your head.” “How often do I have to do that?” asked the man. “Every time someone offers you food.” replied the doctor. 

My mate reckons he can tighten nuts and bolts just by sitting on them. 
Personally I think he torques out of his arse… 

It's a little known fact that Adolf Hitler loved animals. 
I wouldn't expect anything less, after all, he was a veteran Aryan. 

I've just bought some state of the art garden shears. 
They're the latest in cutting hedge technology. 

Went in the barbers and asked to have my haircut like Tom Cruise. 
He gave me a cushion to sit on. 


Punny Friday: 

(A repost from Bytes 12 April 2013 (apologies to those who don’t like puns) . . . 

King Ozymandias of Assyria was running low on cash after years of war with the Hittites. His last great possession was the Star of the Euphrates , the most valuable diamond in the ancient world. Desperate, he went to Croesus, the pawnbroker, to ask for a loan. Croesus said, "I'll give you 100,000 dinars for it". "But I paid a million dinars for it," the King protested. "Don't you know who I am? I am the king!" Croesus replied, "When you wish to pawn a Star, makes no difference who you are." 

Evidence has been found that William Tell and his family were avid bowlers. Unfortunately, all the Swiss league records were destroyed in a fire, ... and so we'll never know for whom the Tells bowled. 

A man rushed into a busy doctor's office and shouted, "Doctor! I think I'm shrinking!" The doctor calmly responded, "Now, settle down. You'll just have to be a little patient." 

A marine biologist developed a race of genetically engineered dolphins that could live forever if they were fed a steady diet of seagulls. One day, his supply of the birds ran out so he had to go out and trap some more. On the way back, he spied two lions asleep on the road. Afraid to wake them, he gingerly stepped over them. Immediately, he was arrested and charged for ... 
"Transporting gulls across sedate lions for immortal porpoises." 

Back in the 1800's the Tate's Watch Company of Massachusetts wanted to produce other products, and since they already made the cases for watches, they used them to produce compasses. The new compasses were so bad that people often ended up in Canada or Mexico rather than California . This, of course, is the origin of the expression, ... "He who has a Tate's is lost!" 

A thief broke into the local police station and stole all the toilets and urinals, leaving no clues. A spokesperson was quoted as saying, "We have absolutely nothing to go on." 

An Indian chief was feeling very sick, so he summoned the medicine man. After a brief examination, the medicine man took out a long, thin strip of elk rawhide and gave it to the chief, telling him to bite off, chew, and swallow one inch of the leather every day. After a month, the medicine man returned to see how the chief was feeling. The chief shrugged and said, "The thong is ended, but the malady lingers on." 

A famous Viking explorer returned home from a voyage and found his name missing from the town register. His wife insisted on complaining to the local civic official who apologized profusely saying, "I must have taken Leif off my census." 

A skeptical anthropologist was cataloguing South American folk remedies with the assistance of a tribal Brujo who indicated that the leaves of a particular fern were a sure cure for any case of constipation. When the anthropologist expressed his doubts, the Brujo looked him in the eye and said, "Let me tell you, with fronds like these, you don't need enemas." 

Jock, the painter, often would thin his paint so it would go further. So when the Church decided to do some deferred maintenance, Jock was able to put in the low bid, and got the job. As always, he thinned his paint way down with turpentine. One day while he was up on the scaffolding -- the job almost finished -- he heard a horrendous clap of thunder, and the sky opened. The downpour washed the thinned paint off the church and knocked Jock off his scaffold and onto the lawn among the gravestones and puddles of thinned and worthless paint. Jock knew this was a warning from the Almighty, so he got on his knees and cried: “Oh, God! Forgive me! What should I do?” And from the thunder, a mighty voice: "Repaint! Repaint! And thin no more!”

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