FUNNY FRIDAY

-------☹😊☹-------

How has the new year been for you so far, readers?  Hopefully, good.

Here are some humorous items to help it along.

There are some risque items, so be warned.

-------☹😊☹-------

SOME HUMOUR:

_________

The picture on the front of Spare isn't much of a likeness.

In fact, it's hard to tell Hewitt is.

_________

People treat me like a god!

They ignore me until they need my help.

_________

In breaking news, Prince Harry's moaning about something.

_________

A police officer pulls over a speeding car…

The Officer says, " Our patrol helicopter clocked you at 80 mph. sir."

The driver says, "Gee, officer, I had it on cruise control at 60, perhaps your radar needs calibrating."

Not looking up from her knitting the wife says sweetly, "Now don't be silly dear, you know that this car doesn't have cruise control."

As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks over at his wife and growls, "Can't you keep your mouth shut for once?"

The wife smiles demurely and says, "You should be thankful your radar detector went off when it did."

As the officer makes out the second ticket for the illegal radar detector unit, the man glowers at his wife and says through clenched teeth, "Dammit, woman, can't you keep your mouth shut."

The officer frowns and says, "And I notice that you're not wearing your seat belt, sir. That's an automatic $75 fine."

The driver says, "Yeah, well you see officer, I had it on, but took it off when you pulled me over so that I could get my license out of my back pocket."

The wife says," Now dear you know very well that you didn't have your seat belt on. You never wear your seat belt when you're driving."

And as the police officer is writing out the third ticket the driver turns to his wife and barks, "WHY DON'T YOU SHUT THE HELL UP??"

The officer looks over at the woman and asks, "Does your husband always talk to you this way, Ma'am?"

"Oh heavens no, officer. Only when he's been drinking."

_________

To look after your vehicle, try Prince Harry Car Insurance.

Your no claim bonus is guaranteed, because it's always someone else's fault.

_________

Prince Harry complains that his comments on the 25 Taliban he killed have been spun and misrepresented.

What his account of the incident actually meant was "please please PLEASE buy my f***ing book."

-------☹😊☹-------

A Scotsman walks into a pharmacy and asks for some deodorant.

"Ball or aerosol?" asked the pharmacist.

"Neither, it's for my armpits."

-------☹😊☹-------

There once was a lady named Mabel,

So ready, so willing, so able,

And so full of spice

She could name her own price –

Now Mable’s all wrapped up in sable.

The above limerick is dated by the reference to affluent women wearing fur. My guess would be 1930’s.

Here is another limerick, a classic, incorporating a person named Mabel . . .

There was a young girl from St. Cyr

Whose actions were exceedingly queer.

Her companion said "Mabel,

Get up off the table,

That money's to pay for the beer."

-------☹😊☹-------

GALLERY:

From Leo:

GREENS MEETING IN PARLIAMENT:

From Vince:

Thanks guys.

-------☹😊☹-------

RELIGION SPOT:

-------☹😊☹-------

CORN CORNER:

I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid.

But he says he can stop anytime

_________

"I lost my job. Well, I didn't lose it, it's still there, it's just that there's some new guy doing it now.

"I lost my girlfriend..."

-------☹😊☹-------