Friday, September 1, 2023


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This Sunday is Father’s Day here in Oz (16 June in the US and UK) so today some Dad’s Day humour, as well as more. Mea culpa, a number of the items are recycled from past Bytes.


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Before his wedding, a man’s father gave him some advice: “Son, when I got married to your mother, on our wedding night as we were getting undressed, I took off my pants, gave them to your mother and told her to try them on, which she did. They were huge on her and she said that she couldn’t wear them because they were too large. I said to her, 'Of course they’re too big for you, I wear the pants in this family and I always will.' ...Ever since that day, son, we have never had a single problem."

The man took his dad’s advice and said the same thing to his wife on his wedding night.

She took off her panties and gave them to him, saying “Try these on.” He replied “You’re joking, I can’t get into your panties.”

“Exactly,” she responded, “and if you don’t change your attitude, you never will!"

A guy goes into a store and tells the clerk, "I’d like some Polish sausage." The clerk looks at him and says, "Are you Polish?"

The guy, clearly offended, says, “"Well, yes I am. But let me ask you something. If I had asked for Italian sausage would you ask me if I was Italian? Or if I had asked for German bratwurst, would you ask me if I was German? Or if I asked for a kosher hot dog would you ask me if I was Jewish? Or if I had asked for a taco would you ask if I was Mexican? Would ya, huh? Would ya?"

The clerk says, "Well, no."

With deep self-righteous indignation, the guy says, "Well, all right then, why did you ask me if I’m Polish just because I ask for Polish sausage?"

The clerk replies, "Because this is Home Depot."

A father passing by his son's bedroom was astonished to see that his bed was nicely made and everything was picked up. Then he saw an envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow that was addressed to 'Dad.' -

With the worst premonition he opened the envelope with trembling hands and read the letter.

Dear Dad: It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend because I wanted to avoid a scene with Mom and you.

I have been finding real passion with Stacy and she is so nice.

But I knew you would not approve of her because of all her piercing, tattoos, tight motorcycle clothes and the fact that she is much older than I am. But it's not only the passion...Dad she's pregnant. Stacy said that we will be very happy.

She owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. We share a dream of having many more children.

Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone.

We'll be growing it for ourselves and trading it with the other people that live nearby for cocaine and ecstasy.

In the meantime we will pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so Stacy can get better. She deserves it.

Don't worry Dad. I'm 15 and I know how to take care of myself.

Someday I'm sure that we will be back to visit so that you can get to know your grandchildren. 

Love, Your Son John

PS. Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at Tommy's house.

I Just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than a report card that's in my centre desk drawer.

I love you. Call me when it's safe to come home.

A fifteen-year-old Amish boy and his father were in a mall.

They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again.

The boy asked, "What is this Father?"

The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don"t know what it is."

While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat old lady in a wheelchair moved up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened, and the lady rolled between them into a small room.

The walls closed, and the boy and his father watched the small numbers above the walls light up sequentially.

They continued to watch until it reached the last number, and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order.

Finally, the walls opened up again and a gorgeous 24-year-old blonde stepped out.

The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his son...

"Go get your Mother."

The year is 2024 and the United States has just elected the first woman president, who happens to be from Wisconsin. A few days after the election, the president-elect, whose name is Susan, calls her father and says, “So, dad, I assume you will be coming to my inauguration?”

“I don't think so, Susie. It's an 18-hour drive.”

“Don't worry about it, dad! I will send Air Force One, and a limousine to pick you up at your door.”

“I don't know, Susie. Everybody will be so fancy. What would your mother wear?”

“Oh, dad,” replies Susan, “I'll make sure she has a wonderful gown, custom-made by the best designer in Washington.”

“Honey,” her dad complains, “you know I can't eat those rich foods you eat. Do they serve tap beer?”

The president-to-be responds, “Don't worry, dad. The entire affair will be handled by the best caterer in Washington. I'll ensure your meal has potatoes and cheddar in it. You and mom just have to be there.”

So, her dad reluctantly agrees, and on January 20, 2025, Susan is being sworn in as president of the United States. In the front row sit Susan's parents. Her dad, noticing a Senator sitting next to him, leans over and whispers, “You see that woman over there with her hand on the Bible?”

“You bet I do,” whispers the Senator in reply.

The dad proudly beams, “Her brother played football for the Green Bay Packers.”

Another version:

This bit is true: I was making a Will for a client some years ago and I congratulated her on her son having been appointed a judge. “Yes,” she replied, “and his brother is a pilot.”

That reminded me of the following Jewish joke:

The first Jewish President is elected.

He calls his Mother: "Mama, I've won the elections, you've got to come to the swearing-in ceremony."

"I don't know, what would I wear?"

"Don't worry, I'll send you a dressmaker."

"But I only eat kosher food!"

"Mama, I'm gonna be the President, I can get you kosher food..."

"But how will I get there?"

"I'll send a limo, just come, alright?"

"Ach, okay, if it makes you happy.”

The day comes and Mama is seated between the Supreme Court Justices and the future Cabinet members. She nudges the man on her right. "You see that boy, the one with his hand on the Bible? His brother's a doctor."

Further alternative version:

The first Jewish President calls his mother in Queens and invites her for Chanukah. "I'd like to," she says, "but it's so much trouble...First, I have to get a cab to the airport, and I hate waiting on Queens Boulevard...."

"Mom! I'm President of the United States! I'll send Air Force One!" "Yes, but when we land I'll still have to carry my luggage through the airport... And try to find a cab...And you know what holiday crowds are like..." "Mom! I'll have a helicopter pick you up! You'll go straight from the plane to my front lawn!"
"I don't know... I'd still need a hotel room. And hotels are so expensive..and they're not like they used to be..." "Ma! You'll stay at the White House!" "Well..." She thinks. "I guess. O.K. " she sighs, " I'll come...for you." 

That afternoon, she's talking on the phone with one of her friends. "What's new?" The friend asks. "I'm visiting my son for Chanukah." 

"The doctor?"

"No...the other one."

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In summer he said she was fair,
In autumn her charms were still there:
But he said to his wife,
In the winter of life,
‘There’s no spring in your old derriere.’

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(Okay, it;s still a  father joke, of sorts . . . )

An attractive young woman on a flight from Ireland asked the priest beside her, "Father, may I ask a favor?"

"Of course child. What may I do for you?"

"Well, I bought my mother an expensive hair dryer for her birthday. It is unopened but well over the customs limits and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it. Is there any way you could carry it through Customs for me? Hide it under your robes perhaps?"

"I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you, I will not lie."

"With your honest face, Father, no one will question you," she replied.

When they got to Customs, she let the priest go first. The official asked, "Father, do you have anything to declare?"

"From the top of my head down to my waist I have nothing to declare."

The official thought this answer strange, so asked, "And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?"

The Father replied, "I have a marvelous instrument designed to be used on a woman, which is, to date, unused."

Roaring with laughter, the official said, "Go ahead, Father. Next please!"

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Started dating a girl, I thought she might be the one but after looking through her wardrobe and finding a nurse's outfit, a French maid’s outfit and a police woman's uniform, I finally decided: If she can't hold down a job, she's not for me.

I waited in a really long line that turned out to be fake.

It was a giant faux queue.

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A happy Fathers Day to Noel, who is 96, still active and still living independently.  Sorry we can't be there Noel.  Enjoy the day.

A happy Dad's Day from Oz also to Ron in the US and to Dave in Scotland. The day may already have happened there but have an extra tipple to celebrate the day here.

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