Thursday, June 6, 2024


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Hello Byters and readers.

Because I have no theme in mind, today features a random assortment of past humour and newer items.

A caution that there is risquΓ© content included.


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An old German is going through customs at the French border. When the agent asked him “occupation?” he replied “not this time”.

And one set years ago:

British Airways pilot in an exchange with the tower at Frankfurt:

Speedbird 206: "Frankfurt, Speedbird 206 clear of active runway."

ATC: "Speedbird 206. Taxi to gate Alpha One-Seven."

BA 747 pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to a stop.

ATC: "Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?"

Speedbird 206: "Stand by, Ground, I’m looking up our gate location now."

ATC (annoyed): "Speedbird 206, have you not been to Frankfurt before?"

Speedbird 206 (nonchalantly): "Yes, twice in 1944, but it was dark though… and I wasn’t landing."

Col and Frank were Australian drovers who had come to town for a beer. At the bar, Col got into conversation with another man and said “So what do you do for a living?” The man replied “I’m a taxidermist. I stuff animals.”

“Do you stuff sheep?” Col asked.


“Do you stuff kangaroos?”

“All the time.”

“What about dogs?”

“Yes, often.”

Later, Frank asked Col “What is he then?”

Col replied “He says he’s a taxi bloke but I reckon he’s a drover like us.”

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From Bytes March 12, 2021:

Byter David H emailed me a video of Dustin Hoffman telling a story on the Graham Norton show when they were both a lot younger. The story is one that I had heard previously in a different setting but this version is better, plus it is delivered superbly by Hoffman, an excellent story teller.

Thanks, David.

At the beginning of the video Hoffman explains that he is keeping the celebrity names to do homage to the story. Those celebrities, for the benefit of younger readers, are:

Ringo Starr, one of the Beatles

Omar Sharif, actor and 1960s sex symbol

Brigitte Bardot, actress and 1960s sex symbol

Click on the following link to watch the video:

For those who prefer the written version . . .

A flea goes into a travel agency and says “I’ve been working so hard for the last few years, I really need a holiday.”

The travel agent asks “What kind of holiday are you in the market for?”

The flea says “I want to go somewhere bright and sunny, somewhere that I can just relax and enjoy myself, don’t want to worry about anything.”

The travel agent says “Okay” and starts flipping through his catalogue book. After some research, the travel agent announces proudly “Okay, I can give you one week in Nice, in Ringo Starr‘s hair.”

So off the flea goes.

After 4 days the flea comes back to the travel agent.

The travel agent asks “What are you doing back here? Aren’t you supposed to be on holiday?”

The flea says “Oh, that was an awful holiday! He spends all his time indoors, he’s always banging on the drums, he never goes out, it’s noisy and smelly. He’s always shaking his head from side to head, I got a terrible migraine! I just want a nice relaxing holiday, you know, out in the sun. I want to relax!”

So the travel agent picks up another catalogue and does some flipping through. Suddenly he announces “Okay, I can give you one week in Monte Carlo, in Omar Sharif‘s moustache.”

So off the flea goes.

After 4 days, the flea comes back to the travel agent.

The travel agent asks “You’re back so soon? What was wrong with that holiday?”

The flea says “That holiday was even worse! He spends all his time in the casino gambling. And what’s worse, he smokes so much, all the smoke went up into his moustache, I got burnt from a bit of ash and cinders, it was smelly and ugh! it was no good, no good! I just want to relax! I want sunshine and sand and blue skies!”

So the travel agent picks up another catalogue and does some research. After a long period, he finally announces “Okay, we’ve had a cancellation, and this is perfect for you. I can give you one week in St Tropez, in Brigitte Bardot‘s muff.”

So off the flea goes.

After 4 days, the flea returns to the travel agent.

“What!!” the travel agent exclaims, completely flabberghasted. “What are you doing here?! What was wrong with that holiday?!”

“Oh nothing!” replies the flea. “It was lovely, she’s so lovely. She just lays out all day long in the beautiful sand, on the beach, she soaks up a lot of sun, she had this radio next to her playing this delightfully relaxing music… I had a wonderful time there, it was the best holiday I’ve had.”

Puzzled, the travel agent asks “Well if it was so great, what are you doing back here so early?”

The flea replies “You tell me! After 3 days, I found myself back in Omar Sharif’s moustache.”

Here is an alternative version, which was posted in Funny Friday on December 13, 2013:

A flea walking down the street met his friend, who he hadn’t seen in a while, coming in the opposite direction. The first flea says “Erik, what is the matter with you? You look so gaunt, haggard and tired.” Erik says “Leif, I live in a Viking’s beard. I’m always out in the cold and wind aboard ship on the North Sea. There’s ice and freezing temperatures, I’m always wet and if we’re not on the water we’re on land fighting and pillaging. How do you remain looking so sleek and fat?”

Leif replies “I live in a maiden’s crotch where it’s always comfortable and warm. You should find yourself a place like that, you wouldn’t know yourself after a couple of weeks.”

“I will,” said Erik.

A few months later Leif meets Erik again and is shocked that Erik looks even more gaunt and haggard than the last time. “What has happened?” he asks. “I thought you were going to find a nice warm spot in a female crotch.”

“I did,” replies Erik. “I found myself an attractive young woman and made my way there and went to sleep. I really needed that sleep, so warm, so relaxing. Then I woke up and I was back in the Viking’s beard.”

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There once was a man with a hernia
Who said to his doctor, "Gol dern ya,
When you work on my middle
Be sure you don't fiddle
With things that do not concern ya."

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Sent to me by Leo M. Thanks Leo.

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Gabriel asks God about his latest creation:

“What is this?

"It’s a human"

“What are those 2 round things?

"They’re called eyes, so they can see my other creations"

“And this thing?”

“They’re called hands, so they can create things just like I did"

“And this?”

“Toes, for the furniture"

“What furniture?”

“Trust me, it will be hilarious"

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What’s the difference between a good joke and

A bad joke timing

I always get entomology and etymology mixed up

I can't put into words how much that bugs me

My wife asked me how to think the unthinkable.

I said 'with an itheberg'

My computer just froze

My fault, I had too many windows open

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