Friday, February 13, 2015

Funny Friday

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Sam, as I promised, a couple of hair jokes for you . . .

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Bill's hair kept falling out and he complained to his barber. "That stuff you gave me," he cried, "is terrible! You said two bottles of it would make me hair grow, but nothing's happened." "I don't understand it," said the barber. "That's the best hair restorer made." "Well," said Bill, "I don't mind *drinking* another bottle, but it had better work!"

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A man and a little boy entered a barbershop together. After the man received the full treatment - shave, shampoo, manicure, haircut, - he placed the boy in the chair. "I'm going to buy a green tie to wear for the parade," he said. "I'll be back in a few minutes." When the boy's haircut was completed and the man still hadn't returned, the barber said, "Looks like your daddy's forgotten all about you." "That wasn't my daddy," said the boy. "He just walked up, took me by the hand and said, 'Come on, son, we're gonna get a free haircut!'"

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A man with a bald head and a wooden leg gets invited to a Halloween party. He doesn't know what costume to wear to hide his head and his leg, so he writes to a fancy dress company to explain the problem. 

A few days later he receives a parcel with a note. 

"Dear Sir, please find enclosed a pirate's outfit. The spotted hand-kerchief will cover your bald head and, with your wooden leg, you will be just right as a pirate." 

The man thinks this is terrible because they have just emphasized his wooden leg and so he writes a letter of complaint. A week passes and he receives another parcel and a note, which says: 

"Dear Sir, please find enclosed a monk's habit. The long robe will cover your wooden leg, and with your bald head, you will really look the part." 

Now the man is really annoyed since they have gone from emphasizing his wooden leg to emphasizing his bald head and he writes the company another nasty letter of complaint. The next day he receives a small parcel and a note which reads: 

"Dear Sir, please find enclosed a bottle of molasses. Pour the molasses over your bald head, stick your wooden leg up your ass and go as a caramel apple."

(Australian readers should substitute "arse" for "ass" and "toffee apple" for "caramel apple".)

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And you think that you have a bad hair day

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A couple of topical ones . . .

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On Valentine's Day, yet again I'll be in the house on my own watching films and eating a takeaway with no one to talk to.

I really can't see a downside.

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I asked the librarian for the book about English Weather.

She said, "You mean Fifty Shades of Grey"

"Yeah, that's the one"

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After being sentenced to 16yrs the captain of the Costa Concordia has been given bail because "he's not a flight risk" ?

I seem to remember him being pretty nippy leaving the ship.

Corn Corner:

Doctor, Doctor my hair keeps falling out, can you give me anything to keep it in? Yes, here is a paper bag!

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What’s the difference between a monkey, an orphan, a prince, and a bald man?

A monkey has a hairy parent, an orphan has nary a parent, a prince is an heir apparent, and the bald man has no hair apparent.


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