Friday, February 27, 2015

Funny Friday

Today a mixed bag of word humour, well okay, one visual. . .

A few mates and I went to try out this place where people get together in a room with candles, chanting in Latin and one man tries to talk to dead people and then other people join in and try talk to the dead people as well. 

I tink it was called Church!

Last Christmas I got some toy soldiers,
To play with when I'm in bed,
But I got bored with my sergeants and majors,
So I played with my privates instead.

An old George Bush joke:

George Bush is being giving his daily briefing. He is told that yesterday three Brazilian soldiers were killed.

"OH NO!" the President exclaims. "That's terrible!"

His staff sit stunned at this display of emotion, nervously watching as the President sits, head in hands.

Finally he looks up with a devastated expression on his face and he asks, "How many is a brazillion?'

A bakery in Maine hires a new shop assistant. She's a very attractive young woman who tends to wear her skirts rather short. The men of the town hear about her and line up at the bakery the next morning. Each one asks for raisin bread, knowing she'd have to climb a ladder to reach it. After hours of climbing up and down the ladder, she finally asks the last man, "Is your’s a raisin, too?" He answers, "No, but it's a twitterin'!" 

An old Lady Di/Princess Margaret joke: 

Lady Diana and the Queen are being driven back to Buckingham Palace one night when their car is forced off the road by masked thieves. "Out of the car and hand over your jewels" the thieves demand, then take off with their loot and the Rolls Royce. After the thieves leave, Diana begins to put her earrings, necklace, and rings back on. "Wherever did you hide those," asked the Queen. "In my special place” said Diana. "It’s a pity Margaret wasn't here," said the Queen. "We could have saved the Roller."

Dad needs to rebuild his outhouse and dig out his pit. Some of his mates tell him he can save a lot of time by using dynamite. "That way, you destroy the dunny and clean out the pit at the same time!" they say. So Dad sets up the dynamite under the outdoor toilet and runs a wire out to the barn. As he pushes the plunger, he sees Dave running to the toilet and going in. He runs after him but it is too late. Everything goes sky high. Miraculously, Dave survives. He asks him "Are you all right, Dave?" Dave replies "Yeah, but I'm sure glad I didn't let that one go in the house!" 

The Captain called the Sergeant in. “Sergeant, I just received a telegram that Private Jones’s father died yesterday. Better go tell him and send him in to see me.” 

So the Sergeant calls for his morning formation and lines up all the troops. “Listen up, men,” says the Sergeant. “Johnson, report to the mess hall for KP. Smith, report to Personnel to sign some papers. The rest of you men report to the Motor Pool for maintenance. Jones, your father’s dead, report to the Commander.” Jones buckles at the knees and has to go to the infirmary.

A few days later the Captain called the Sergeant into his office. “Sergeant, that was a pretty cold way to inform Jones his father died. We’ve just received a telegram that Private Jones’s mother has now died. You’d better go tell him and send him in to see me. This time, be more tactful.” 

So the Sergeant calls for his morning formation. “Ok, men, fall in and listen up. Everybody with a mother still alive, take two steps forward. JONES, WHERE DO YOU THINK YOU’RE GOING???”

A crusty old Marine Sergeant Major found himself at a gala event hosted by a local liberal arts college. There was no shortage of extremely young idealistic ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the Sergeant Major for conversation.

"Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a very serious man. Is something bothering you?"

"Negative, ma'am. Just serious by nature."

The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said, "It looks like you have seen a lot of action."

"Yes, ma'am, a lot of action."

The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said, "You know, you should lighten up a little. Relax and enjoy yourself."

The Sergeant Major just stared at her in his serious manner. Finally the young lady said, "You know, I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but when is the last time you had sex?"

"1995, ma'am."

"Well, there you are. You really need to chill out and quit taking everything so seriously! I mean, no sex since 1995! She took his hand and led him to a private room where she proceeded to "relax" him several times.

Afterwards, panting for breath, she leaned against his bare chest and said, "Wow, you sure didn't forget much since 1995!"

The Sergeant Major, glancing at his watch, said in his serious voice, "I should hope not ma'am, it's only 2130 now."

I went to the store the other day, I was only in there for about 5 minutes. When I came out there was a policeman writing a parking ticket. So I went up to him and said, 'Come on buddy, how about giving a guy a break?' 

He ignored me and continued writing the ticket. So I called him a pencil necked jerk off. He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having bald tyres! 

So I called him a horse's arse, he finished the second ticket and put it on the car with the first. Then he started writing a third ticket!! 

This went on for about 20 minutes, the more I abused him, the more tickets he wrote. 

I could only imagine what the owner of the car will think when he sees all the tickets.

Corn Corner:

I have an EpiPen. My friend gave it to me while he was dying. It seemed really important to him that I have it.

There was a prison break and I saw a midget climb up the fence. As he jumped down her sneered at me and I thought, well that’s a little condescending.

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