Friday, February 2, 2018

Best of Bytes: Funny Friday

Good morning, readers.

We've now said goodbye to January and said hello hello to February. The Romans named the month Februarius, after the Latin term februum, which means purification, via the purification ritual Februa held on February 15 (full moon) in the old lunar Roman calendar. The Roman calendar used to consist of 10 months, hence December meaning 10 (“Dec”) and so on. Winter was considered a monthless period. January and February were added to the Roman calendar by Numa Pompilius about 713 BC. February remained the last month of the calendar year until 450 BC, when it became the second month.

But enough of history, it’s Friday and that means Funny.

Okay, they get better.

This week a repost from 2012 on the theme of clothing.

Caution: there is risque humour included.

The manager of a ladies' dress shop realised that it was time to give one of her sales staff a pep talk. "Paula," she said, "your figures are the lowest in the department by a long way. In fact, unless you can improve your sales record soon, I'm afraid I'll have to let you go." 

"I'm sorry, ma'am," said a humbled Paula. "Can you offer me any advice on how to do better?" 

"Well," said the manager, "there is an old trick I can tell you about. It sounds silly, but it's worked for me in the past. Get hold of a dictionary and go through it until you find a word that has particular power for you. Memorize it, work it into your sales pitch whenever it seems appropriate, and you'll be amazed at the results." 

Sure enough, Paula's sales figures shot up, and at the end of the month the manager called her in again, this time to congratulate her. 

"Did you try my little trick?" she asked. 

Paula nodded. "It took me a whole weekend to find the right word, but I did in the end." 

"And what is it?" 


"Yes, that's an excellent word," said the manager encouragingly. "And how have you been using it?" 

"Well, my first customer on Monday was a woman who told me her little girl had just been accepted at the most exclusive prep school in the city. I said, "Fantastic." She went on to tell me how her daughter always got straight A's and was the most popular girl in class. I said, "Fantastic", and she bought $500 worth of clothing."

"My next customer said she needed a formal dress for the spring ball at the country club, which she was organizing. I said, "Fantastic." She went on to tell me she had the best figure of anyone on the committee and that her husband makes the most money. "Fantastic", I said, and she not only bought a $2,000 designer gown, but hundreds of dollars of accessories. It's been like that all week: the customers keep boasting, I keep saying, "Fantastic", and they keep buying!" 

"Excellent work, Paula," said the manager. "You're a credit to the department. Just as a matter of interest, what did you used to say to customers before you discovered your power word?" 

Paula shrugged. "It was usually, 'Who cares?'"

A woman tried to board a bus but her skirt was so tight that she couldn't make the step up. 

So she reached behind her, lowered her zip and tried again. Still the skirt was too tight. So again she reached behind her, lowered her zip a little more and tried to negotiate the step. But still the skirt was too tight. 

Determined to catch this bus, she once more reached behind her, lowered the zip a little and attempted to climb aboard. Then suddenly she felt two hands on her butt, helping her on to the bus. 

She turned around angrily and told the man behind her: "Sir, I don't know you well enough for you to behave in such a manner." 

The man replied: "Lady, I don't know you well enough for you to unzip my fly three times either!"

Joe was a successful lawyer, but as he got older he was increasingly hampered by incredible headaches. When his career and love life started to suffer, he sought medical help. 

After being referred from one specialist to another, he finally came across an old country doctor who solved the problem. "The good news is I can cure your headaches... the bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition which causes your testicles to press up against the base of your spine and the pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles." 

Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for. He couldn't concentrate long enough to answer, but decided he had no choice but to go under the knife. When he left the hospital he was without a headache for the first time in 20 years, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself. 

As he walked down the street, he realised that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life. He saw a men's clothing store and thought "That's what I need .. a new suit." He entered the shop and told the salesman "I'd like a new suit." The elderly tailor eyed him briefly and said, "Let's see... size 42 long." Joe laughed, "That's right, how did you know?" "Been in business 60 years!" Joe tried on the suit. It fit perfectly. 

As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked "How about a new shirt?" Joe thought for a moment and then said "Sure..." The salesman eyed Joe and said "Let's see...34 sleeves and...16 and a half neck." Joe was suprised, "That's right, how did you know?" "Been in the business 60 years" Joe tried on the shirt and it fit perfectly. As Joe adjusted the collar in the mirror, the salesman asked "How about some new shoes?" Joe was on a roll and said "Sure!" The salesman eyed Joe's feet and said "Let's see... 10-1/2...E." Joe said, astonished, "That's right, how did you know?" "Been in business 60 years!" Joe tried on the shoes and they fit perfectly. Joe walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked "How about some new underwear?" Joe thought for a second and said, "Sure!" 

The salesman stepped back, eyed Joe's waist and said "Let's see... size 36." Joe laughed, "Ah ha! I got you. I've worn a size 34 since I was 18 years old." The salesman shook his head. "You can't wear a size 34, it will press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache." 

A man walked into a shoe shop and asked for a pair of shoes, size 8. 

The sales assistant said "Are you sure, sir? You look like a size 12 to me." 

"Just bring me a size 8," insisted the customer. 

So the assistant fetched a pair of size 8 shoes and the man squeezed his feet into them with obvious discomfort. He then stood up in the shoes, but with considerable pain. 

"Listen," he explained, "I've lost my house to the taxman, I live with my mother-in-law, my daughter ran off with my best friend and my son just told me he's gay. The only pleasure I have left is to come home at night and take my shoes off!"

A man received a notice from the tax office that he was being audited. 

He asked his accountant what he should wear to the meeting with the tax office representative. The accountant said, "Wear your shabbiest clothing. Let them think you're poor."

The man asked his lawyer the same question. The lawyer said “No. No. Show them you're a successful professional. Wear your best suit and tie."

Confused, the man went to his rabbi and asked for advice.

"Let me tell you a story," the rabbi said. 

"Last week I was to marry a young woman. She came to me and asked what she should wear to bed on her wedding night. Her mother had told her 'Wear a long flannel nightgown that goes right up to your neck. Make him realise how virtuous you are.' But her best friend said, 'Wear a sexy negligee.' My son, I am going to give you the same advice that I gave to her: ‘It doesn’t matter what you wear, you’re going to get fucked.’ “


Corn Corner: 

A man walks into a psychiatrist's office wearing only underwear made of Glad Wrap. The psychiatrist says, "Well, I can clearly see your nuts." 

A clown decided to retire and hand over the business to his son. 
His son said, ‘I don’t know dad, those are big shoes to fill’. 

I was going to take off my shoes and socks, but then I got cold feet. 

A guy goes into a nightclub/bar wearing a shirt open at the collar and is met by a bouncer who tells him he must wear a necktie to gain admission. So the guy goes out to his car and he looks around for a necktie and discovers that he just doesn't have one. He sees a set of jumper leads and, in desperation, ties these around his neck. He manages to fashion a fairly acceptable looking knot and lets the ends dangle free. He goes back to the restaurant and the bouncer carefully looks him over, then says, "Well, OK, you can come in – just don't start anything."

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