Friday, February 23, 2018

Funny Friday


It's Friday so this must be Belgium time for some fun, or rather, funnies.

A contribution by John P starts off the humour, the first few are his.  Thanks John.


And oldie that is usually a fishing joke . . .

Four old-timers were playing their weekly game of golf, and one remarked how nice it would be to wake up on Christmas morning, roll out of bed and – without an argument – go directly to the golf course, meet his mates and play a round.

The others all chimed in and said, “Let's do it! We'll make it a priority, figure out a way and meet here early Christmas morning.”

Months later, that special morning arrives, and there they are on the golf course. 

The first guy says, “Boy, this game cost me a fortune! I bought my wife such a diamond ring that she can't take her eyes off it.”

Number 2 guy says, “My wife is at home planning the cruise I gave her. She was up to her eyeballs in brochures.”

Number 3 guy says, “Well, my wife is at home admiring her new car, reading the manual.”

They all turn to the last guy in the group who is staring at them like they have all lost their minds. 

“I can't believe you all went to such expense for this golf game. I woke up, slapped my wife on the butt and said: ‘Well Babe, Merry Christmas! It's a great morning for either sex or golf ‘."

“She said: ‘Take a sweater’.”


A husband and wife who work for the circus went to an adoption agency where social workers raised doubts about their suitability.

The couple produced photos of their 30-foot motor home, which was clean, well maintained and equipped with a beautiful nursery.

The social workers raised concerns about the education the child would receive while in the couple’s care.

“We’ve arranged for a full-time tutor who will teach the child all the usual subjects, along with French, Mandarin and computing skills,” they’re told.

Then the social workers expressed concern about a child being raised in a circus environment.

“The child will be surrounded by family, but we’ve also retained a nanny who’s a certified expert in paediatric care, welfare and diet.”

The social workers were finally satisfied and asked: “What age child are you ideally hoping to adopt?”

“Doesn’t really matter,” said the husband, “so long as the child fits into the cannon.”


Another oldie . . .

A woman takes a lover home during the day while her husband is at work. 

Her 9 year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them, and hides in the bedroom cupboard to watch. Just after getting into bed the woman's husband also comes home unexpectedly, she tells her lover to hide in the cupboard, not realising that the little boy is in there. 

After a little while the little boy says, 'Dark in here. 

The man, who obviously got a real fright not expecting to hear anything, let alone from a little boy says, 'Yes, it is.' 

Boy - 'I have a football.' 

Man - 'That's nice.' 

Boy - 'Want to buy it?' 

Man - 'No, thanks.' 

Boy - 'My dad's outside.' 

Man - 'OK, how much?' 

Boy - '$ 250' 

In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover are in the cupboard together. 

Boy - 'Dark in here.' 

Man - 'Yes, it is.' 

Boy - 'I have football boots.' 

The lover, remembering the last time, asks the boy, 'OK How much this time?' 

Boy - '$ 750' 

Man - 'Sold.' 

A few days later, the boys' father says to the boy, 'Grab your boots and football, let's go outside and have a game of soccer. 

The boy says, 'I can't, I sold my ball and boots.' 

The father asks, 'How much did you sell them for and to who?' 

The boy says, 'To a friend of mine for a $ 1,000..' 

The father says, 'That's a terrible thing to do, overcharging your friend like that'. 'That's four times what they cost when they were new, I'm going to take you to church and make you confess your terrible sins.' 

They go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and he closes the door. 

The boy says, 'Dark in here'.. 

The priest says, 'Don't start that shit again, you're in my cupboard now!!’


God's Plan for Aging

Most seniors never get enough exercise. In His wisdom, God decreed that seniors become forgetful so they would have to search for their glasses, keys and other things thus doing more walking. And God looked down and saw that it was good.

Then God saw there was another need. In His wisdom, He made seniors lose coordination so they would drop things requiring them to bend, reach & stretch. And God looked down and saw that it was good.

Then God considered the function of bladders and decided seniors would have additional calls of nature requiring more trips to the bathroom, thus providing more exercise. God looked down and saw that it was good.

So - if you find as you age that you are getting up and down more, remember it's God's will. It is all in your best interest even though you mutter under your breath.


That ends John’s contributions, send them in if you have them.


Here is an oldie that traces back to the 1920’s, The Snopes link is:

The following is an actual question given on a University of Washington chemistry mid-term: 

"Is Hell exothermic [gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)? Support your answer with a proof." 

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools off when it expands and heats up when it is compressed) or some variant. One student, however, wrote the following: 

First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So, we need to know the rate that souls are moving into Hell and the rate they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today. Some of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there are more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all people and all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand as souls are added. This gives two possibilities. 

1) If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose. 

2) Of course, if Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over. 

So which is it? 

If we accept the postulate given to me by Ms. Therese Banyan during my Freshman year, that "It will be a cold night in Hell before I sleep with you," and take into account the fact that I still have not succeeded in having sexual relations with her, then (2) cannot be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic. 

The student got the only A.




Corn Corner:

After the previous lengthy ones, here are some corny quickies:

It’s hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs because they always take things literally.

A farmer in the field with his cows counted 196 of them, but when he rounded them up he had 200.

What is Bruce Lee’s favorite drink? Wataaaaah!

There was a prison break and I saw a midget climb up the fence. As he jumped down her sneered at me and I thought, well that’s a little condescending.

A blind man walks into a bar. And a table. And a chair.

My friend recently got crushed by a pile of books, but he’s only got his shelf to blame.

What’s the best part about living in Switzerland? Not sure, but the flag is a big plus.

What is the difference between ignorance and apathy? I don’t know, and I don’t care.

And, one very suitable for Bytes . . .

I started a band called 999 Megabytes — we haven’t gotten a gig yet.

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