Friday, February 7, 2020

Funny Friday


Yes, it is, so it's time for some Friday Funnies.  If you raisee a smile, a grin, a chuckle, a chortle, a giigle, maybe even a laugh, then my work will have been done.  

To get us started, here are some words by Bob Monkhouse:  “They all laughed when I said I'd become a comedian. Well, they're not laughing now.”

Caution: some risque language ahead.




What is an opinion without 3.142?

An onion.


When I was ten my Mum told me to take my brother to a movie so she could set up for his surprise birthday party.

That's when I realised that he was her favourite twin, not me.


What lies on the ground 100 feet in the air?

A dead centipede


Stormy Daniels and Queen Elizabeth went to the Pearly Gates on the same day. They both met with an angel to find out if they would be admitted to Heaven.

The angel said: "Unfortunately, there's only one space available in Heaven today so I must decide which one of you will be admitted.”

The angel asked Stormy if there was some particular reason why she should go to Heaven. Stormy took off her top and said: "Look at these, they're the most perfect breasts God ever created and I'm sure it will please God to be able to see them every day, for eternity.”

The angel thanked Stormy, and asked Her Majesty Queen Elizabeth, the same question.

The Queen walked over to a toilet, pulled the lever and flushed it without saying a word.

The angel immediately said: "Okay, Your Majesty, you may go into Heaven.”

Stormy was outraged and asked, "What was that all about? I showed you two of God's own perfect creations and you turned me down. She simply flushed a commode and she got admitted to Heaven!  Would you explain that to me?”

"Sorry, Stormy," said the angel, "but even in Heaven, a royal flush beats a pair, no matter how big they are."



A teacher addresses her primary school class:  “Class, the lesson now is spelling.  I would like each of you to stand up, tell me what you had for breakfast and then spell it.  Billy?”

Billy stands and says “ I had bacon and eggs Miss, B-A-C-O-N, E-G-G-S.” “Good,” says the teacher, “Sally?”

Sally stands and says “I had toast, Miss, T-O-A-S-T.”  “Also good,” says the teacher, “Johnny?”

Johnny gets to his feet and says “I didn’t have any fuckin’ breakfast, F-U-….”  Before he can finish the teacher cuts him short and soundly tells him off, then sends the children out to recess.

Over the break she thinks to herself that she may have been a little hard on Johnny, that maybe she should make it up to him when class resumes. She decides that she will ask him the first question when they return from recess.

After they are all seated she says “Class, this lesson is geography.  Johnny, can you tell me where the Queensland border is?”

Says Johnny “Well, when I left home this morning he was in bed with me Mum, that’s why I didn’t have any fuckin’ breakfast.”



By moi:

I like a good limerick,
One that is witty, playful and slick.
Keep your Shakespeare and Donne,
For me it’s the one
That’s clever, rhymes, scans and is quick



A repost but worth reposting . . . 




(Okay, I’ll tell you.  The third error is that there are only two errors.)


Q:  Why did Beethoven get rid of his chickens?

A:  Because all they kept saying was “Bach, Bach, Bach!”


I refused to believe my son got fired as a road worker for theft.

But when I got home, all the signs were there


My wife is threatening to kick me out of the house because of my obsession with acting like a news anchor.

More on this after the break.


My local news network recently featured two artisans from my town.
One makes burlap sacks, and the other makes musical instruments.
They thought the viewers would be drawn in by all the sacks and violins.


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