Friday, February 14, 2020

Funny Friday


Today is Valentine’s Day, so today’s theme is . . .okay, you got it . . . Valentine’s Day. Plus some about love. Enjoy the humour and enjoy the day, dear readers. 

Also, a callout to my wife, Kate . . . 



Her: "I can't be your valentine for medical reasons." 

Him: "Really?" 

Her: "Yeah, you make me sick!" 

The amount of Valentine's day cards I got this year has left me breathless. 

The card shop now has a security guard and he gives a good chase. 

This Valentine's Day I expect to be inundated. 

Sorry... I meant, "in, undated". 

I finally got a date for Valentine's day. 

February 14th. 

A man is buying flowers for his wife on Valentine's Day. 

A man standing nearby says. "It's so dumb that you have to spend so much money on something that is just going to die." 

“Yeah,” said the first man, “and you have to buy them flowers as well.” 

A man walks into a post office one day to see a middle-aged, balding man standing at the counter methodically placing "Love" stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them. He then takes out a perfume bottle and starts spraying scent all over them. His curiosity gets the better of him and he goes up to the balding man and asks him what he's doing. 

"I'm sending out 1,000 Valentine's Day cards signed, 'Guess who?'" 

"But why?" asks the man. 

"I'm a divorce lawyer." 

I gave my wife a set of scales for St. Valentine's Day. 

She gave me a ruler. 

On Valentine's Day, what's better than a rose on your piano? 

Tulips on your organ. 

Jennifer's wedding day was fast approaching. 

Nothing could dampen her excitement - not even her parent's nasty divorce. 

Her mother had found the PERFECT dress to wear, and would be the best-dressed mother-of-the-bride ever! 

A week later, Jennifer was horrified to learn that her father's new, young wife had bought the exact same dress as her mother! Jennifer asked her father's new young wife to exchange it, but she refused. "Absolutely not! I look like a million bucks in this dress, and I'm wearing it," she replied. 

Jennifer told her mother who graciously said, "Never mind sweetheart. I'll get another dress. After all, it's your special day." 

A few days later, they went shopping, and did find another gorgeous dress for her mother. When they stopped for lunch, Jennifer asked her mother, "Aren't you going to return the other dress? Do you have another occasion where you could wear it?" 

Her mother just smiled and replied, "Of course I do, dear.....I'm wearing it to the rehearsal dinner the night BEFORE the wedding." 


Roger was buying an expensive bracelet to surprise his girlfriend on Valentine's Day, at a very smart jeweller's shop in Hatton Garden, London. 

The asked, 'Would you like your girlfriend's name engraved on it?' 

Roger replied ”No, just engrave ‘To my one and only love’.” 

The jeweller smiled and said, 'Yes, sir, how very romantic of you.' 

Said Roger “Yeah, that way if we break up I can use it again.” 


Limerick by moi: 

It’s the day of St Valentine, 
Lovers say “Please be mine.” 
Though love he may show her, 
His intent is much lower 
Than her mouth when he asks her to dine. 


A boy in high school asks a girl to the prom 

Amazingly, she says yes so he has to get everything ready. He goes to the tailor so he can get a suit. Unfortunately, he had to wait quite some time, as there were other people getting ready for their proms. But eventually, he gets his suit. 

He then went to the florist. But due to some not thought out planning, they scheduled the prom close to Valentine's day. As a result, there is another long wait in store for him. He waits and waits and eventually gets the flowers. 

The night of the prom had similar issues. Because he decided to put off going to the tailor and florist until the day of, he and his date were late. So they had to wait to be let in. His patience pays off though, as they finally get in to the prom. 

After some light conversation and dancing, his date asks him to get them some drinks. So he heads over to the refreshment table where there is no punch line. 

My wife was excited when I told her that I had booked a table for two for Valentines Day. 

I just hope she likes snooker.

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