FUNNY FRIDAY

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Some humour to end the week and begin the weekend, with a smattering of Christmas humour on the approach of the festive days . . .

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SOME HUMOUR:

A child asked Santa Claus “How did your reindeer get their names?”

Santa replied, “I named them after memories, like Prancer frolicking through the snow!”

“What about Donner?” the child asked.

A shadow settled on Santa’s face, and after a moment he began: “The year was 1847, and snowfall had trapped us in the Sierra Nevada ….”

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A man, Jones, had an accident resulting in both of his ears being ripped off.

Despite his handicap, he is able to start up his own company that is moderately successful and it is soon time to recruit a new employee. After a long selection process, he is left with 3 candidates to interview.

The first candidate walks in, and Jones ends the interview by asking him, "Do you notice anything about me?" The candidate immediately says "You don't have any ears." Furious, Jones throws him out.

The second candidate is waiting outside and overhears this exchange. His interview proceeds, and at the end of the interview, Jones asks, "Do you notice anything about me?" Remembering what he overhead, he confidently says "No, I don't." Jones is furious as this second candidate is clearly lying and throws him out.

Meanwhile, the third candidate comes back from a long bathroom break and has missed all the drama. He walks into the room and the interview proceeds as usual until Jones asks, "Do you notice anything about me?" The candidate immediately says, "You're wearing contact lenses."

Jones is extremely impressed at how observant this new candidate is and is all set to hire him. He is curious, however, and asks how the candidate was able to make such an observation. To which the candidate replies, "You can't possibly wear glasses since you don't have any bloody ears, now, can you?"

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Putin is captured and held hostage by a terrorist.

A Russian truckdriver stops at the back of a long queue on the motorway. He sees a policeman walking down the line of stopped cars to briefly talk to the drivers. As the policeman approaches the truck, the truckdriver rolls down his window and asks, "What's going on?"

Policeman: "A terrorist is holding Putin hostage in a car. He's demanding 10 million rubles, or he'll douse Putin in petrol and set him on fire. So we're asking drivers for donations."

Driver: "Oh, ok. How much do people donate on average."

Policeman: "About a gallon."

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A Sunday School teacher of pre-schoolers was concerned that his students might be a little confused about Jesus Christ because of the Christmas season emphasis on His birth.

He wanted to make sure they understood that the birth of Jesus occurred a long time ago, that He grew up, etc.

So he asked his class, “Where is Jesus today? “

Steven raised his hand and said, “He's in heaven. “

Mary was called on and answered, “He's in my heart. “

Johnny, waving his hand furiously, blurted out, “I know! I know! He's in our bathroom!”

The whole class got very quiet, looked at the teacher, and waited for a response. The teacher was completely at a loss for a few very long seconds. He finally gathered his wits and asked Johnny how he knew this.

And Johnny said, “Well...every morning, my father gets up, bangs on the bathroom door, and yells 'Jesus Christ, are you still in there?”

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LAW & LAWYERS

It was Johnny’s first day in grade school and the teacher was having them introduce themselves and tell what their fathers did for a living.

Sally said her father was a policeman. The teacher said how nice that was.

Bobby said his father was a mailman. The teacher said how nice that was.

Johnny said his father was a piano player in a whorehouse. The teacher said how nice that was to keep from embarrassing Johnny and went on with the introductions.

After school she told Johnny’s father what he said. Johnny’s father hung his head and said “Yes, that’s what I told him. It hard to explain to your young son that you’re a lawyer.”

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Alternative version:

“If you see my mother, don’t tell her I’m a lawyer, she thinks I play the piano in a brothel.”

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Alternative version:

“If you see my mother, don’t tell her I’m a lawyer, she thinks I deal drugs in Kings Cross.”

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LIMERICK OF THE WEEK:

Worcester is a cathedral city in Worcestershire, England, about 160 km/100 miles101 miles north-west of London. The names are pronounced “Wooster” ad “Wooster-sheer” respectively.

A sensitive lady from Worcester

At a ball met a fellow who gorcester;

A lecherous guy

With blood in his uy.

So she ducked out before he sedorcester.

Alternative version:

There once was a lady from Worcester,

Who thought a man had seduced her.

She woke up with a scream,

It was only a dream,

It was the bump on the mattress that goosed her.

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GALLERY:

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CORN CORNER:

So what if I can’t spell Armmagedon?

It’s not the end of the world.

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Paul: "So lads, any idea how we're gonna end 'Hey Jude'"?

John: Nah.

George: Nah.

Ringo: Nah.

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I made a website for a orphanage

It has no home page.

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I accidentally gave my wife a glue stick instead of Chapstick...

She still isn't talking to me.

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I remember my grandpas last words… stop shaking the fucking ladder

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I bought a wooden whistle

But it wooden whistle

So I bought a steel whistle

But it steel wooden whistle

So I bought a lead whistle

But it steel wooden lead me whistle

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