FUNNY FRIDAY

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Today’s Funny Friday is nearly all Scottish humour, presented with a dedication to David and Gill in Scotland and to Janice in our office. Hope you enjoy, after all, if Billy Connolly can take the wee out of the Scots, can I do any less?

Other nationalities will be featured in future Bytes.

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SOME HUMOUR:

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What’s the difference between Cinderella and the Scottish football team?

Cinderella wanted to get to the ball

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Can vegans eat pudding?

No, if you don’t eat your meat, you can’t have any pudding!

(Okay, I will explain:

Pink Floyd's Another Brick in the Wall ends with the voice of a Scottish-accented schoolmaster, shouting, "If you don't eat your meat, you can't have any pudding! How can you have any pudding if you don't eat your meat?!" over and over again.

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A visitor to an Aberdeen bar was surprised to find the beer only tuppence a pint. The barman explained that it was the price to mark the centenary of the pub opening. The visitor noticed, however, that the bar was empty.

"Are the regular customers not enjoying the special prices?" he asked.

To which the barman replied "They're waiting for the Happy Hour".

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IF 'STAR WARS' WERE SET IN GLASGOW ....

Chewbacca would look roughly the same except he'd only be about 5ft tall, from Blackhill and called Shug. He'd have the same amount of body hair but would also have tattoos, would permanently smell of drink and invariably sport a Rangers top.

Obi-Wan Kenobi would invariably be referred to as Chief or Big Yin by his cohorts. People trying to start a fight with him would address him as Wanky-Nobby. Darth Vader Would be referred to as "Auld Helmet Heid" or in moments of stress "That Dome-Heided Bastard".

R2D2 would refuse to go out on the streets after 10pm because of the number of drunks who would try to stuff chip papers in his head casing or piss on him. He would also refuse to go near groups of wee boys at any time because of the high risk of being spray painted/dumped in front of a train or set on fire.

Although proficient in over 3500 languages C3PO would still be unable to understand anything anyone from the East End of Glasgow said. He would regularly get beaten up for being a "greetin-faced poof fae Milngavie".

The Milennium Falcon would have static strips, tinted windows and extra flared exhaust ports. It would have a Daily Record "I Love Scotland" sticker and a Saltire bumper sticker.

Princess Leia would get captured by Darth Vader because it's hard to run very fast when you're wearing 5 inch platform heels and a tiny silver mini-skirt which keeps hiking up over your arse every two steps, and you've been a heavy smoker since you were 6.

The best way to destroy the Death Star would not necessarily be a desperate all out attack.

Two easy ways would be:

- Alter its orbit so it passed through Bridgeton and tell the locals it was full of kafflicks.

- Leave it unattended in Easterhouse.

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Old Sandy McPherson was dying. Tenderly, his wife Maggie knelt by his bedside and asked, 'Anything I can get you, Sandy?'

No reply.

'Have ye no' a last wish, Sandy?'

Faintly, came the answer ... 'A wee bit of yon boiled ham.'

‘Nay mon,’ said Maggie, ’that's for the funeral.'

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A very popular man dies in Aberdeen and his old widow wishes to tell all his friends at once, so she goes to the Aberdeen Evening Express and says, 'I'd like tae place an obituary fur ma late husband.' The man at the desk says, 'OK, how much money dae ye have?'

The old woman replies, '£5' to which the man says, 'Ye won't get many words for that but write something and we'll see if it's ok.'

So the old woman writes something and hands it over the counter.

The man reads 'Peter Reid, fae Kincorth, deid.' He feels sad at the abruptness of the statement and encourages the old woman to write a few more things, saying, 'I think we cud allow 3 or 4 more words fer ye money.'

The old woman ponders and then adds a few more words and hand the paper over the counter again. The man then reads - 'Peter Reid, fae Kincorth, died. Ford Escort for sale.'

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MacTavish visited London for his annual holiday and stayed at a large hotel. However, he didnae feel that the natives were friendly.

'At 4 o'clock every morning,' he told a friend, 'they hammered on my bedroom door, on the walls, even on the floor and ceiling. Och, sometimes they hammered so loud I could hardly hear myself playing the bagpipes.'

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MacDonald was in poor health. He asked his friend MacDougal if he would pour a bottle of scotch over his grave if he should die one of these days.

MacDougal said, 'Sure'n I'll be glad, laddie, but would you mind if I passed it through my kidneys first?'

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Prime Minister Rishi Sunak is being shown around a London hospital. Towards the end of the visit, he is shown into a ward with a number people with no obvious signs of injury or disease.

He goes to greet the first patient and the chap replies:

"Fair fa' your honest sonsie face, Great chieftain e' the puddin' race! Aboon them a' ye tak your place, Painch, tripe, or thairm; Weel are ye wordy o' a grace as lang's my arm."

Sunak is confused, goes to the next patient and greets him. The patient replies:

"Some hae meat, and canna eat, and some wad eat that want it, but we hae meat and can eat, and sae the Lord be thankit."

The third starts rattling off:

"Wee sleekit, cow'rin, tim'rous beastie, O, what a panic's in thy breastie! Thou need na start awa sae hasty, wi bickering brattle! I wad be laith to rin an chase thee, wi murdering pattle!"

Sunak turns to the doctor and asks: "Is this the mental ward?"

"No" the doctor replies, "It's the Burns unit."

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Alisdair Biggar, a Scotsman, applied to join to the New York City police force.

The inspector glared at him and asked, 'How would you disperse a large, unruly crowd?'

'Well,' replied Alisdair thoughtfully, 'I'm no too sure how ye do it here in New York, but in Aberdeen we just pass the hat around, and they soon begin to shuffle off.'

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A pregnant teenage girl in Glasgow phones her dad at midnight and says:

'Can you come and get me? I think ma water has broken

'Okay,' says her dad. 'Where are you ringing frae?'

'Frae ma knickers tae ma feet. '

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A Glasgow man is walking down Argyle Street when he spots a guy tinkering with the engine of his car.

“What’s up, Jimmy?” he asks.

“Piston broke,” he replies.

“Aye, same as masel…”

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After announcing he’s getting married, a young Scot tells his friend he’ll be wearing the kilt.

“And what’s the tartan?” asks his mate.

“She’ll be wearing a white dress,” he replies.

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GALLERY:

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LIMERICK OF THE WEEK:

I purchased some bagpipes last week,

And practised their droning and squeak.

My neighbour next door

Though, who hails from Jaipur,

Said the noise of the pipes made him Sikh.

Bearsden (pronounced bearsˈ den) is a town in East Dunbartonshire, Scotland, approximately 6 miles (10 km) from Glasgow City Centre. The first known settlement on the site of present-day Bearsden was a 2.5 acres (1.0 ha) Roman fort in the second century AD.

There was a young girl from Bearsden

Who ate onions, blue cheese and cayenne

‘Till a bad fright one day

Took her breath quite away,

And we hope she won’t find it again.

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CORN CORNER:

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If I could time travel I’d go to my funeral and take the names of people who seemed to be handling it a little too well.

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I was a member of a band called 'The Hinges'. In the tours, we opened for 'The Doors'.

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If the bands 'Toto' and 'Kansas' make a tour together, then it will be called a whirlwind tour.

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