Friday, October 27, 2023


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Continuing Fails Week . . . Funny Fail Friday . . . continuing the failure theme.

However, these are mostly also Funny Friday Favourites so some may seem familiar.

Still, a good joke is like a good meal, you don’t have it once and never again.  The humour today is worth an encore and repeat.

Enjoy, Byters, but there is some risque content ahead.

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Why was the TV show "The Bachelor" a failure in Saudi Arabia?

Episode 1, after 10 mins:

"I'll take them all..."

An archaeologist was digging in the Negev Desert in Israel and came upon a casket containing a mummy, a rather rare occurrence in Israel, to say the least. After examining it, he called Abe, the curator of the Israel museum in Jerusalem.

"I've just discovered a 3,000 year old mummy of a man who died of heart failure!" the excited scientist exclaimed. Abe replied, "Bring him in. We'll check it out."

A week later, the amazed Abe called the archaeologist. "You were right about both the mummy's age and cause of death. How in the world did you know?"

"Easy. There was a piece of paper in his hand that said, '10,000 Shekels on Goliath'."

While visiting a distant relative I hadn't visited in years, I asked my mom's cousin George for his Wi-Fi password. He said, "Start with an uppercase S, then 123."

As soon as George had left to do an errand, I tried to log onto his Wi-Fi. But every time I typed S123, it wouldn't work. After two hours of failure, George came back.

I told him, "I used the password you told me to use, but it never worked! can you log onto the Wi-Fi for me?" George typed the password into my computer, and sure enough, it worked.

Then he said, "I have no idea why you find it so hard to type Start123."

A DEA Agent arrives at a farm and tells the farmer, "I need to inspect your property for illegally crops."

The old farmer says "Okay, but don't go in that field over there."

The DEA Agent says "Mister, I have the full authority of the Federal Government," reaching into his pocket and pulling out a badge, "See this badge? This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish -- on any land I want. No questions asked or answers given. Have I made myself clear? Do you understand me???"

The farmer nods politely and lets the agent go about his business while the farmer returns to his chores.

Eventually, the farm hears loud screams and sees the DEA Agent in "that field" running for his life. Close behind, the farmer's biggest and meanest bull is gaining ground on him with each step.

The farmer throws down his tools, runs to the fence and yells at the top of his lungs.... "Your badge! Show him your badge!!!"

A man was hiking in China

He walked up a beautiful mountain for hours until it was nearly night. Then he saw an old stone house, two stories high, beautiful but very old work. He knocked on the door and an old Chinese man opened. "Hello good sir, I know I am a stranger, but it is getting dark and I don't want to hike all the way back in the dark. Could I sleep here just for one night?"

The old man let's him in. "You may sleep here, but keep your hands away from my daughter or you will suffer an old curse".

The young man accepts and stays the night. However the daughter was really beautiful, and so he went to her bedroom at night and they had a passionate night.

The next morning he awakes with a big bolder on his chest.

A note was attached that said "First curse, the block of sinning". He threw it out of the window when he discovered a second message saying "Second curse, rope attached on block and left testicle". He saw the rope and decides in a heartbeat to also jump out of the window - better some broken feet then losing his testicle. While jumping out he saw a third message: "Final curse, rope attached to wardrobe and right testicle".

One day little Johnny was digging a hole in his back yard.

The next-door neighbor spotted him and decided to investigate.

"Hello Johnny, what are you up to?" he asked.

"My goldfish died and I'm gonna bury him," Johnny replied.

"That's a really big hole for a goldfish, isn't it?" asked the neighbor.

"That's because he's inside your cat!"

The following joke and preamble are from Bytes some years ago . . .

Wednesday nights are trivia nights. I recently suggested that we go back to our old practice of changing the name each week to punchlines and phrases from jokes, preferably dirty jokes. Hence in the past we have been called such names as “Why do you ask Two Dogs?” and “Zachary’s Disease”.

Last Wednesday I managed to almost sneak in an answer sheet headed “My wife comes from Minsk” but it was countermanded by the female members, Carol and Kerrie, who didn’t even know the joke. Spoilsports!!

The Minsk joke follows . . .

The only cow in a small twon in Poland stopped giving milk. The people did some research and found that they could buy a cow from Moscow for 2000 rubles, or one from Minsk for 1000 rubles. Being frugal, they bought the cow from Minsk.

The cow was wonderful. It produced lots of milk all the time, and the people were amazed and very happy. They decided to acquire a bull to mate with the cow and produce more cows like it. Then they would never have to worry about the milk supply again.

They bought the bull and put it in the pasture with their beloved cow.

However, whenever the bull came close to the cow, the cow would move away. No matter what approach the bull tried, the cow would move away from the bull and he could not succeed in his quest. The people were very upset and decided to ask the rabbi, who was very wise, what to do. They told the rabbi what was happening; "Whenever the bull approaches our cow, she moves away. If he approached from the back , she moves forward. When he approaches her from the front, she backs off. An approach from the side and she just walks away to the other side." The rabbi thought about this for a minute and asked, "Did you buy this cow from Minsk?" The people were dumbfounded. They had never mentioned where they have gotten the cow. "You are truly wise rabbi. How did you know we got the cow from Minsk?"

The rabbi answered sadly, "My wife is from Minsk."

Dennis, a carpet fitter, had just finished laying a carpet for Mrs Smith. He popped outside out for a smoke, only to realise that he had mislaid his cigarettes. He retraced his steps and saw in the middle of the room, under the carpet, what appeared to be a small lump.

'No sense in taking up the entire carpet for one pack of cigs,' Dennis muttered to himself. So he took get out his hammer and flattened the hump with a couple of sharp blows.

Dennis began tidying up when Mrs Smith came into the room and handed him his cigarettes. 'I found them in the hallway.' she said, 'Now,' she continued, looking around the room imploringly, 'if only I could find my canary.'

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A Downton Abbey style limerick . . . and also about failure . . .

We’ve got a new maid called Chrysanthemum,
Who said, ‘I have just come from Grantham, m’m.
I lost my last place
In the sorest disgrace,
‘Cos I snored through the National Anthem, m’m.’

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Sent to me by John P with the heading 'Cartoons for Intellectuals' . . . 

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A man went to the doctor’s and told him, “I feel like such a failure. All five of my boys want to be valets when they grow up.”

He said, “Wow, that’s the worst case of parking son’s disease I’ve ever seen.”

"Alexander, why am I such a failure with women?"

"My name is Siri. "

What did the elephant say to the naked man?

"Cute, cute, but can it pick up peanuts?"


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