Bytes: FUNNY FRIDAY

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G’day Byters and readers.

Given that last week’s Funny Friday theme was food, it is fitting that this week’s theme should be drink. There is also some Jewish humour, just because I love it.

Enjoy.

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SOME HUMOUR:

__________

A guy sits down at the bar and orders drink after drink. "Is everything okay, pal?" the bartender asks. "My wife and I got into a fight and she said she wasn’t going to talk to me for a month.”

Trying to put a positive spin on things, the bartender says, "Well, maybe that's kind of a good thing. You know... a little peace and quiet?"

"Yeah, but today is the last day...”

__________

Johnny sits at the bar staring at his drink when a large, trouble-making biker steps up next to him, grabs his drink, gulps it down in one swig, and menacingly says, “Well thank you! Whatcha gonna to do about it?"

Johnny burst into tears. "Come on, man," the biker says, "I didn't think you'd cry. I can’t stand to see a man crying. What’s your problem?"

"This is the worst day of my life," Johnny says. "I'm a complete failure. I was late to a meeting and my boss fired me. When I went to the parking lot, I found my car had been stolen and I don't have any insurance. I left my wallet in the cab I took home. I found my wife in bed with the postman, and then my dog bit me. So, I come to this bar to work up the courage to put an end to it all. I buy a drink, drop a capsule in, and sit here watching the poison dissolve, and then you show up and drink the whole thing!

But enough about me, how's your day going?”

__________

Schlemiel: a Yiddish term meaning "inept/incompetent person" or "fool".

Ruthie told Mo:

"You’re a schlemiel! You always were a schlemiel, you always will be a schlemiel! You look, act and dress like a schlemiel! You’ll be a schlemiel until the day you die! And if they ran a competition for schlemiels, you’d take second place as the world’s second biggest schlemiel!"

"Why only second place?" Mo asked.

"Because you’re a schlemiel!”

__________

(AAA is the American Automobile Association, also the Australian Automobile Association).

"Hi my name is Jeff and I’m an alcoholic."

"Sir, this is Triple A, not AA."

"I know, I’m trying to explain why my car is in the lake."

__________

A homeless man asked me for money I had 20 dollars in my pocket and didn’t want it to just go towards crack and alcohol.

So I gave it to the homeless man

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An Englishman is hiking in Scotland and he pauses to drink from a stream. A passing shepherd calls out "Dinnae drink frae that, it's all fulla coo piss an shite!"

The Englishman says to him in a cut-glass accent "I'm terribly sorry, my good fellow, would you very much mind repeating that in the Queen's English?"

And the shepherd says "I'm terribly sorry sir, I was only asking if you would like to borrow this tin cup and get a proper drink?"

__________

A man walks into a bar and orders a drink. The bartender gives the man his drink and the man asks "If I show you something crazy, would let me have free drinks for the rest of the night?"

The bartender thinks for a minute and then says "It would have to be something spectacular to take that offer." The man leans down and picks up a box and sets it on the bar. He opens the box and inside is a small piano man, who is only 1 foot tall, and beside him a little piano. The piano man starts playing classical music like Beethoven and Chopin.

Once he finishes, the bartender is in utter disbelief. He tells the man "You can have free drinks for the rest of the night, but only if you tell where you got this." The man says "In the alley behind your bar, there is a genie who is granting free wishes to everyone who wants them." Elated, the bartender heads behind his bar to see if it was true.

A few minutes passed and out of the alleyway erupts a cacophony of quacking. The bartender rushes back into the bar and shuts his door against a wave of thousands of ducks. He manages to secure the door and says to the man "I think that the genie is hard of hearing, because after I asked for a million bucks, these ducks appeared by the thousands."

The man says "Did you really think I wished for a 12 inch pianist?"

_________

Woman:

Do you drink beer?

Man:

Yes

Woman:

How many beers a day?

Man:

Usually about 3

Woman:

How much do you pay per beer?

Man:

$5.00 which includes a tip

Woman:

And how long have you been drinking?

Man:

About 20 years, I suppose

Woman:

So a beer costs $5 and you have 3 beers a day which puts your spending

each month at $450. In one year, it would be approximately $5400

…correct?

Man:

Correct

Woman:

If in 1 year you spend $5400, not accounting for inflation, the past 20 years puts your spending at $108,000, correct?

Man:

Correct

Woman:

Do you know that if you didn't drink so much beer, that money could have been put in a step-up interest savings account and after accounting for compound interest for the past 20 years, you could have now bought a Ferrari?

Man:

Do you drink beer?

Woman:

Man:

What color is your Ferrari?

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