QUOTE FOR THE DAY

 

'TWAS THE MONTH AFTER CHRISTMAS

'Twas the Month After Christmas

     - Author Unknown

'Twas the month after Christmas and all through the house

Nothing would fit me, not even a blouse.

The cookies I'd nibbled, the eggnog I'd taste

At the holiday parties had gone to my waist.

When I got on the scales there arose such a number!

When I walked to the store (less a walk than a lumber),

I'd remember the marvellous meals I'd prepared:

The gravies and sauces and beef nicely rared,

The wine and the rum balls, the bread and the cheese

And the way I'd never said, "No, thank you, please."

As I dressed myself in my husband's old shirt

And prepared once again to do battle with dirt—

I said to myself, as I only can,

"You can't spend a winter disguised as a man!"

So—away with the last of the sour cream dip,

Get rid of the fruit cake, every cracker and chip.

Every last bit of food that I like must be banished

‘Til all the additional ounces have vanished.

I won't have a cookie—not even a lick.

I'll want only to chew on a long celery stick.

I won't have hot biscuits, or corn bread, or pie;

I'll munch on a carrot and quietly cry.

I'm hungry, I'm lonesome, and life is a bore—

But isn't that what January is for?

Unable to giggle, no longer a riot,

Happy New Year to all, and to all a good diet!

QUOTE FOR THE DAY

 

RATE MY PLATE

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Rate My Plate has been featured in Bytes previously but not of late, so let’s do an update (end of annoying rhymes).

It is a site where people post pics of what they prepared or bought and others relate (sorry) what they think.

Click on the link to visit:

https://www.facebook.com/RateMyPlateNow/

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Sunday Roast by Shelly M

That looks really awesome and delicious. It's making my mouth water.

Absolutely beautiful, couldn't be any better perfect.

I’d like some green veg with mine , but looks great

Lovely roast potatoes, just how I like them

Not on a plate so can’t rate it 😝

__________

£9 unless you sit in and it's £11 by Greig D

Very appropriate that the sides of the container resemble a radiator, when that looks like the cooking method of choice for most of this abomination.

I couldn't justify the £2 extra to sit in and eat this!

Having said that, I definitely couldn't justify £9 for that in the first place, so doesn't matter about the £2 now anyway

£2 more to sit in and eat this? I would just pay the £2 to sit in and let them keep the breakfast

Let me get this straight,

if you sit in your cell, it’s £11?

Even the toast is trying to abandon it

My 1 year old son can cook a better breakfast than that in his toy kitchen 🍳 and I think I'd rather eat his plastic food than that 🤮

This is probably one of the saddest breakfasts i have ever seen Marcus

Sit in where ? The bin ??

What hospital are you in

you have easy access to the toilet - since you'll like need it after eating that undercooked sausage...

Buy 6 eggs - £1.50: packet bacon - £1.50: sausages - £2.50: tin beans -£1: black pudding £1.: loaf bread - £1.: Total cost £8.50. Then you’ve got enough for 6 days breakfasts.

I’m not sure what the thing in the top left is, so I’ve left it off.

For £9 they could have at least cooked the sausage!

How much if I want to sit in AND have it cooked as well?

Is this a prison meal?

Why are the beans so dry? Did they drain the sauce?

__________

Potatoes with Pork Leek & Spice Sausage, Pancetta & a Fried Egg by John W

Now I have to say, that has to be one of the best pics on here

Looks like a lovely winter comfort meal

I cannot stand eggs of any type so I review assuming that I can carefully lift it off (making sure that I left no egg juice behind) and dispose of it safely. The rest - I'd scoff the lot and ask for seconds

Chuck it over here I will even wash up afterwards ha ha 🤣😉

Would've like some mushrooms, but good job

Fried egg looks delicious 😋 I prefer x2. Not big leek fan but little ok in sausage filling. 9/10.

Now that’s a great plate. I would only want 1 sausage and half the potatoes, but yummy looking.👏👏

I’m not normally a fried egg person but that looks like a belting plate of grub 👍🏻

I think that looks great. Simple food, done well.

That's a lot of hassle for sausage, egg and chips...

I give you 9 for the sausages & 3 for the rest.

Looks great apart from the hedge trimmings on the egg

Look's real tasty , and not a baked bean in sight , enjoy I know I would !

Looks a bit much, where’s the chips

__________

I’ve made myself a fresh batch of Chicken Feet & Chicken Sweetbreads Stew in a delicate Honey-Chilli-Garlic Combo Sauce Alba R

The table would be more appetizing than whatever that is…

For once in my life I envy the blind.

Chickens feet belong on a chicken! 😂

Delicate was a good idea, you wouldn't want the sauce to overpower the taste of feet

That reminds me - I need to book a pedicure

There is not one single thing about that that is delicate!

I love chicken feet. I would willingly eat that

I'd rather eat my own feet

What's for dessert, a pigs ear?🤨

Naaah, my best guess is that for dessert it's gonna be the pigs ding-dong. 😆

My dog just saw that and vomited.

No different between feet or wings is there? Still looks gross tho

I can smell the garlic from here!

I’d rather eat that plastic Gruffalo

I can't unsee this now. I may not sleep again. Ever

Even the Gruffalo is not impressed with it.

__________

Made this Concoction Yesterday by Harrison S

The prison called. They want their ramen recipe back.

Is it comic relief day in the master chef kitchen again??

Last time I saw a carrot that dry it was under your momma’s mattress!

You can’t mix ramen and brownies

I’m interested in the photo itself, do you have a special setting on the camera to make it look like this?

I am sure its very nourishing but then so is being fed by a drip….i would opt for the drip💉

What did you find in the other bins?

You seem to have accidentally cut off the sole of your shoe and put it in your dinner 😬

Where did you cook that beef? Chernobyl?

Did you excavate this from a prehistoric dig site?

If you had used those ingredients to make a beef chow mein or something I would have a little respect for it but otherwise what in the hell is a raw carrot doing on that and why the huge lumps of beef 🤣

This isn't a meal, it's a crime scene

The All Purpose cleaner next to it probably tastes better. Or is it to clean up the vomit?

Ah the culinary skill involved is astounding, preparation, the blending of ingredients, the vision to put it all together. I applaud your brilliance, I'm let in awe! 😢it's driven me to tears.

Just thought you'd like to know, rationing ended in 1954, it's okay, you can purchase other foodstuffs. Go on. It's okay. Enjoy yourself.

I've worked in a few countries and eaten some very strange looking dishes but I must say you win.🤮

__________

Homemade Slow Cooked Beef Short Rib Pie with Creamy Mash & Gravy by Olivia O

Love the vegetables and savoury food you have applied to this delicious dish of gravy 😂👍🤪

Tad more gravy needed.

Should’ve given us a cross section of the short rib. Abysmal presentation and overly swamped in gravy. Better veg could also have been done. Crap plate. It’s a mixed bag this. 5.5/10

My worst nightmare all that gravy

Needs more gravy

I like a bit of veg and pie with my gravy

Dam that looks so good big thick slice fresh bread with a massive slab of real butter that is what heaven looks like right there…🙌

Sorry where is the beef? Short rib eye? I think you basically mean steak pie right? I do like my gravy but this is too much 😂😂

Tbh Olivia... I'm a bit disappointed you didn't have a glass of gravy to wash it down 🤔

Not sure if I need cutlery or a snorkel for that

Gravy looks like fence paint! If you slow-cooked the beef, didn't you make gravy from the juices? I do.

Why is the pie upside down? Is it hiding from the shame you brought by putting short rib in it?

Does gravy leave a stain in your bucket after you've washed it?

__________

Homemade Lasagna with a few Buttered Potatoes by Mark M

Since when does lasagna need potatoes as a side? Lasagna is a whole dish. Also why the random tomato slice cooked into the top layer? Why do anglos always insist on blasphemy against Italian cuisine

Lasagna looks great but with the very odd addition of potatoes.

What's for dessert, lemon posset and corn on-the-cob ?

Looks yummy to me, you mix together whatever foods you like! The world is a better place with variety in it

No one has spuds with a lasagne. Mild punishment is definitely needed.

Chips or wedges with lasagne 👨‍🍳

Looks lovely and I can’t understand the comments about the potatoes. We love them with lasagna, sometimes a jacket potato and sometimes potato salad with a salad

Delicious 🤤

So many carbs? Are you going to run a marathon?

Is that garlic bread as well as pasta and potatoes

Carb overload

Needs more carbs

QUOTE FOR THE DAY

 

FROM THE VAULT

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From Bytes, October 10, 2014:

__________

The following letter has been discounted by Snopes.com as factual:

http://www.snopes.com/humor/letters/smithsonian.asp

It was written by one Harvey Rowe in 1994 to amuse his friends and was disseminated person by person, growing in distribution until it was eventually touted as being authentic. 

__________

Dear Mr. Williams,

Thank you for your latest submission to the Institute, labelled '93211-D, layer seven, next to the clothesline post... Hominid skull.'

We have given this specimen a careful and detailed examination, and regret to inform you that we disagree with your theory that it represents conclusive proof of the presence of Early Man in Charleston County two million years ago. Rather, it appears that what you have found is the head of a Barbie doll, of the variety that one of our staff, who has small children, believes to be 'Malibu Barbie.'

It is evident that you have given a great deal of thought to the analysis of this specimen, and you may be quite certain that those of us who are familiar with your prior work in the field were loathe to come to contradict your findings. However, we do feel that there are a number of physical attributes of the specimen which might have tipped you off to its modern origin:

1. The material is moulded plastic. Ancient hominid remains are typically fossilised bone.

2. The cranial capacity of the specimen is approximately 9 cubic centimetres, well below the threshold of even the earliest identified proto-hominids.

3. The dentition pattern evident on the skull is more consistent with the common domesticated dog than it is with the ravenous man-eating Pliocene clams you speculate roamed the wetlands during that time.

This latter finding is certainly one of the most intriguing hypotheses you have submitted in your history with this institution, but the evidence seems to weigh rather heavily against it. Without going into too much detail, let us say that:

1. The specimen looks like the head of a Barbie doll that a dog has chewed on.

2. Clams don't have teeth.

It is with feelings tinged with melancholy that we must deny your request to have the specimen carbon-dated. This is partially due to the heavy load our lab must bear in its normal operation, and partly due to carbon-datings notorious inaccuracy in fossils of recent geologic record.

To the best of our knowledge, no Barbie dolls were produced prior to 1956 AD, and carbon-dating is likely to produce wildly inaccurate results.

Sadly, we must also deny your request that we approach the National Science Foundation Phylogeny Department with the concept of assigning your specimen the scientific name Australopithecus spiff-arino. Speaking personally, I, for one, fought tenaciously for the acceptance of your proposed taxonomy, but was ultimately voted down because the species name you selected was hyphenated, and didn't really sound like it might be Latin.

However, we gladly accept your generous donation of this fascinating specimen to the museum. While it is undoubtedly not a Hominid fossil, it is, nonetheless, yet another riveting example of the great body of work you seem to accumulate here so effortlessly. You should know that our Director has reserved a special shelf in his own office for the display of the specimens you have previously submitted to the Institution, and the entire staff speculates daily on what you will happen upon next in your digs at the site you have discovered in your Newport back yard.

We eagerly anticipate your trip to our nation's capital that you proposed in your last letter, and several of us are pressing the Director to pay for it. We are particularly interested in hearing you expand on your theories surrounding the trans-positating fillifitation of ferrous ions in a structural matrix that makes the excellent juvenile Tyrannosaurus Rex femur you recently discovered take on the deceptive appearance of a rusty 9-mm Sears Craftsman automotive crescent wrench.

Yours in Science, Harvey Rowe Chief Curator-Antiquities

QUOTE FOR THE DAY

 

BANNED SONG LYRICS

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The song “Greased Lightning” from the musical and 1978 film Grease features some fairly crude content. The line, “it ain’t no shit” is usually cut from radio airplay. But ironically, when the character Rizzo used the Italian curse word “fongool” in the song “Look At Me, I’m Sandra Dee,” it was not censored.

‘Fongool’ is shortened from an Italian phrase that used to mean "go do it in the arse" but generally interpreted to mean "fuck you. –

Just keep your cool

Now you're starting to drool

Fongool!

I'm Sandra Dee!

~ Rizzo in Grease

__________

“Brown Eyed Girl” by Van Morrison (1967) was originally called “Brown Skinned Girl” and is about an interracial relationship. Morrison changed the title because he believed it would make it more radio-friendly. Some stations banned the song anyway for the line, “making love in the green grass.” However, an edited version was released later on, changing it to “laughin’ and a-runnin’, hey, hey.”

__________

“Will You Still Love Me Tomorrow” by The Shirelles (1960) is a song about the day following a sexual encounter with a man. It made history by becoming the first #1 hit by a black female group. The song was banned by radio stations for its mild sexual content, but it still sold over a million copies

__________

“My Generation” by The Who (1965) was banned from the radio for a reason unrelated to its lyrics. The song featured vocals that resembled stuttering; afraid to offend people with actual stuttering problems, the BBC prohibited the song from receiving airplay. Later, when the song proved to be a huge hit, they allowed it.

__________

“Love to Love You Baby” by Donna Summer (1975) is a sexually charged disco anthem and was Donna Summer’s first hit. It became popular worldwide, but broadcasters including BBC banned it due to its blatant sexual content. These included sounds of orgasms and crude lyrics. Summer said that she did in fact understand the bans and regrets that this was her first popular single, which subsequently shaped her image as an artist.

__________

“Rolling in the Deep” by Adele (2010) Many radio stations censored part of the song’s first verse due to ambiguity between whether Adele used the word “ship” or “shit” in one line. “Go ahead and sell me out and I’ll lay your shit bare.” Online lyrics stated that the word was “ship” while Adele’s handwritten lyrics featured the expletive instead, also suggesting that the intended word was in fact “shit”. Adele replaced the word in question with “stuff” during a televised performance of the song. The line “reaching the fever pitch” has been mistaken as “reaching the fever bitch,” and was censored by some radio stations as well.

__________

“Lola” by The Kinks (1970) contained the word “Coca-Cola” in the lyrics of the original studio recording, violating BBC Radio’s policy against product placement. The songwriter, Ray Davies, was forced to interrupt the Kinks’ American tour so he could change the lyric to “cherry cola” for the single’s release. He made a 6,000 mile round trip flight from New York to London and back just for this purpose.

__________

“If U Seek Amy” by Britney Spears (2009) has a chorus and title that sounds like “F-U-C-K me” when sung, resulting in it being censored in the U.S. and the UK. Initially unsure on whether the double entendre was in fact censorship material, U.S. radio stations changed the title to “If U See Amy” and BBC radio simply changed it to “Amy.” This was after the Parents Television Council (PTC) threatened to file complaints against the FCC if the track was played. These threats were extended to cable music channels, but they were not taken seriously.

__________

“Louie, Louie” by the Kingsmen (1963) faced bans on U.S. radio due to obscene lyrics. The band attempted to cover up the sexual content by slurring the lyrics, beginning a 31-month FBI investigation of the song. The investigation was inconclusive as they were unable to interpret the true lyrics– but the Kingsmen’s drummer, Lynn Easton, later confessed to yelling “fuck” during the song’s recording after dropping a drumstick. Controversy over the song resurfaced in Benton Harbor, Michigan in 2005 when a school superintendent prohibited a marching band’s rendition of the song during a parade.

__________

“Walk Like an Egyptian” by The Bangles (1986) was banned by both BBC in 1991 and Clear Channel Communications in 2001m, the purpose being avoid offending those who would relate this song and its references to Egypt to the conflicts in the Middle East.

__________

“Light My Fire” by The Doors (1967) - The Doors were blacklisted from The Ed Sullivan Show after failing to change the line “Girl, we couldn’t get much higher”– which seemed to be referencing drug use – to “Girl, we couldn’t get much better.” Lead singer Jim Morrison had initially agreed to self-censor during his performance, but he could not resist presenting his work in its true form. BBC also banned this song 24 years later, this time because of the word “fire.” This was done to avoid upsetting radio listeners during by the Persian Gulf War.

__________

“(I Can’t Get No) Satisfaction” by The Rolling Stones (1965) - In 1965, during a performance of this song ABC’s music variety show, Shindig!, the song’s line “trying to make some girl” was censored. “(I Can’t Get No) Satisfaction” had faced much criticism for its sexual innuendo and critical statements about commercialism. However, when the Rolling Stones performed the song again 40 years later during the February 2006 Super Bowl XL halftime show, this was the only song that wasn’t censored.

__________

“Lucy in the Sky With Diamonds” by The Beatles (1967) - The Beatles’ eighth studio album, Sgt. Pepper’s Lonely Hearts Club Band, sparked a great deal of controversy upon its release due to its numerous perceived drug references. Over half of the songs were commonly believed to contain drug-related themes, specifically “Lucy in the Sky With Diamonds,” which many believed to be a crafty acronym for the drug LSD. This resulted in the BBC banning the song from British radio, along with other popular tracks on the album such as “A Day in the Life.”

__________

“Brown Sugar” by the Rolling Stones (1971) has provocative lyrics which explore a number of controversial subjects, including slavery, interracial sex, cunnilingus, and drug use. The BBC failed to spot the risky areas and instead banned fhe B side – “Bitch”.

__________

And an Honourable Mention to:

“Fuck You Very Much” by Eric Idle (2004) –

"FCC Song" is a deliberately controversial and explicit song by British-born Monty Python comic Eric Idle. Idle, who later became a resident of the U.S. state of California, wrote and recorded the song in early 2004 in reaction to a fine by the U.S. Federal Communications Commission (FCC) for Idle saying "fuck" on a radio station.

The song is also known by its refrain "fuck you very much". Despite being nominally aimed at the FCC, the lyrics primarily target well-known figures associated with the George W. Bush administration, including Dick Cheney and John Ashcroft among others.

Lyrics:

Spoken:

Here's a little number I wrote the other day while out duck hunting with a judge

Fuck you very much the FCC

Fuck you very much for fining me

Five thousand bucks a fuck

So I'm really out of luck

That's more than Heidi Fleiss was charging me

So fuck you very much the FCC

For proving that free speech just isn't free

Clear Channel's a dear channel

So Howard Stern must go

Attorney General Ashcroft doesn't like strong words and so

He's charging twice as much as all the drugs for Rush Limbaugh

So fuck you all so very much

So fuck you very much dear Mr. Bush

For heroically sitting on your tush

For Halliburton and Enron, all the companies who fail

Let's send them a clear signal and stick Martha straight in jail

She's an uppity rich bitch, and at least she isn't male

So fuck you all so very much

So fuck you dickhead Mr. Cheney too

Fuck you and fuck everything you do

Your pacemaker must be a fake

You haven't got a heart

As far as I'm concerned you're just a pasty-faced old fart

And as for Condoleezza, she's an intellectual tart

So fuck you all so very much

Hear it by clicking on:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jixxYx9fklM

QUOTE FOR THE DAY

 

PAST PHOTOGRAPHS

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As I typed the above heading, it occurred to me that it is tautologous, all photographs are of the past from the moment the photograph is taken.

There is a Facebook site called Historical Images, visit it by clicking on:

https://www.facebook.com/groups/histimages

Here are some of the photographs and commentaries . . .

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Judy Garland and her daughter, Liza Minnelli, 1947

__________

A mysterious character known as the "Leatherman" wandered a 365-mile route in the 1800s without any clear reason. His real name, origins, or the purpose of his travels remained unknown, yet he became a beloved local figure.

Dressed in a heavy outfit crafted from old leather boots and ties, weighing over 60 pounds, the Leatherman braved all weather conditions and seasons. He was so punctual in his travels between the Hudson and Connecticut rivers, covering 40 small towns every 34 days, that locals could tell the time by his location. He famously slept in caves, maintaining a strict schedule.

The Leatherman communicated little, only making a few sounds in English or French, but was warmly anticipated in each town he visited. Being visited by him was seen as an honor, and children were eager to offer him food during his stops.

After his death, the Leatherman's grave became a site of interest, leading to its relocation by a historical society to prevent accidents. In 2011, an attempt to uncover his identity through DNA testing failed when it was discovered his remains were gone, deepening the mystery around him.

__________

A one room school house, 1923.

__________

Depression-era children in 1939. They have a bike and a cat and look happy.

__________

5

A Japanese woman carrying her children in a bucket on her head, Japan 1900s.

__________

This photo is really something. These women had 775 confirmed kills. Yet look at how happy and sweet a few of them look. They look like they are just young women trying to have a good time. Then there’s some who are really kind of scary like the bottom right. She has that “I could see sighting you in right now and shoot that smile right off your face.” I’ve never actually read any studies on snipers, but in some cases they end up taking someone out that they had to study and get a in depth knowledge about their life. That’s much different than shooting at some random enemy on a battlefield or even in an ambush. I find it amazing that they can smile like that after what they’ve seen first hand. Must need a certain psychological profile to do what they do

__________

The opening of the Eiffel Tower during the 1889 World’s Fair.

__________

Bringing home the Christmas tree, 1946.

__________

At the grocery store in the 1960s.

__________

In the 1940s, men dressed in shorts and cowboy boots served up to women at a drive through in Texas.

__________

The Hoover Electric Suction Sweeper, created around 1908-1909, was a groundbreaking innovation in household cleaning technology. As one of the earliest vacuum cleaners, it revolutionized the way homes were cleaned by replacing manual sweeping with electric suction. The machine was a remarkable improvement over earlier cleaning methods, utilizing an electric motor to power a suction mechanism that could pick up dirt and debris from carpets and floors. This advancement made cleaning more efficient and less labor-intensive, marking a significant step forward in domestic technology.

At the time of its release, the Hoover Electric Suction Sweeper was a luxury item, with a high price point that made it accessible mainly to middle- and upper-class households. Its design featured a bulky, industrial-looking body and was typically mounted on a wheeled platform, which made it somewhat cumbersome but still innovative for its time. Despite its size and weight, the vacuum cleaner gained popularity due to its effectiveness in cleaning, as it could reach areas that traditional cleaning methods could not, such as deep within carpets.

The introduction of the Hoover Electric Suction Sweeper not only marked a milestone in household convenience but also laid the foundation for the Hoover Company’s future success. Over time, the company would refine and improve its designs, helping to cement Hoover’s position as a leading brand in the vacuum cleaner market. The 1908-1909 Hoover model was an important precursor to the modern vacuums we use today, demonstrating the transformative impact of electric-powered appliances on domestic life.

__________

A cowgirl from the 1880s.

__________

AN UNFORGETTABLE CHESS GAME IN 1924 This extraordinary chess game took place in Leningrad (Saint Petersburg Agora) in 1924. In this particular game, the chess pieces were replaced by people, giving the event a unique and spectacular touch. The game was played by chess masters Peter Romanovsky and Ilya Rabinovich, one of the most famous chess masters of his time. The game lasted a total of five hours and was played on a giant outdoor chess board set up in the square in front of the Winter Palace. This type of chess game is part of an annual event created to promote chess in the Soviet Union. The first such event took place in Smolensk in 1921 and quickly became a popular event. The goal was to stimulate public interest in chess and promote strategic thinking among spectators. It is not known who won the match in St. Petersburg in 1924. Chess is not just a game, but is valued as an intellectual challenge and a means to promote education and strategic thinking. The choice of Leningrad as the venue for this chess game was no coincidence. The city was a cultural and intellectual center of the Soviet Union and provided the perfect setting for such an event.

__________

The first newspaper headlines of the Titanic sinking in 1912 reported that everyone on board had been saved.

__________

Anna Haining Bates (7'11'') one of the tallest women in history with her husband.

__________

An American pioneer family by their little sod roof house on the prairie, 1870.

__________

Control room for a German submarine, 1918.

__________

Did you know that the Ancient Greeks discovered that the seeds of the carob (Carob, Ceratonia siligua) always have the same weight (about 0.20 g) and that's why they used it to measure the weight of precious metals . The negotiations were with the Arabs who heard from the Greeks the word carats (the well-known carats of gold). The word karat first entered the English language in the mid-15th Century. It derived from the French word carat which in turn came from the Italian carato. The word almost certainly derives from the Arabic qīrāṭ which came from the Greek kerátion meaning Carob seed.

__________

Yakima Washington, sometime in the 40s.

__________

Women soon replaced male carhops during World War II, because most American men left their jobs to join the military and restaurant owners quickly discovered that a pretty girl sold more food. This declined in the late 1940s and 1950s, when men returned to the civilian workforce and pretty girls were seen as having an adverse effect of attracting loiterers

__________

A couple touring Balanced Rock in the Garden of the Gods, Colorado Springs, Colorado, 1920.

THOUGHT FOR THE DAY

 

FUNNY FRIDAY

---- 😊😊😊 -----

A mixed bag of fun and frivolity today, folks.

As usual, caution: risque content ahead.

---- 😊😊😊 -----

SOME HUMOUR:

__________

Man : “Doctor, my girlfriend is pregnant but we always use protection and the rubber never broke. How is it possible?”

Doctor : “Let me tell you a story: ‘There was once a hunter who always carried a gun wherever he went. One day he took out his umbrella instead of his gun and went out. A lion suddenly jumped in front of him. In order to scare the lion, the hunter used the umbrella like a gun, and shot the lion, then it died!’ “

Man : “Nonsense! Someone else must have shot the lion…”

Doctor : “Good! You understood the story. Next patient please.”

__________

The person who invented the umbrella was going to simply call it 'brella'..

Then they thought about it for a second....

__________

I sleep better naked and it's more comfortable.

WHY CAN'T THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT UNDERSTAND THIS?

__________

A waitress asks the customer: "Comfortable, sir?"

The customer responds: "No, comeforfood"

__________

Took my car to the mechanic because it was making a terrible noise

He removed the Mariah Carey Christmas CD, and now it’s fine.

__________

I came out to my parents this week, I said I wanted to become a mechanic.

I've already started transmissioning...

---- 😊😊😊 -----

From Bytes, April 20 20212 -

By way of introduction to the first Funny Friday item, which is an oldie but a goodie, I will mention that it came up in a discussion with my son about dancing.

Notwithstanding that King David honoured the Lord by dancing (2 Samuel 6: 14-16), dancing has long had a strong sexual content. George Bernard Shaw recognised this when he described it as “the vertical expression of a horizontal desire legalised by music.”

Those who have read Edward Albee’s play Who’s Afraid of Virginia Woolf may recall the scene where Martha is dancing provocatively with Nick, while her husband George and Nick’s mousey wife, Honey, watch:

HONEY: They're dancing like they've danced before.

GEORGE: It's a familiar dance ... they both know it ..

MARTHA: Don't be shy.

NICK: I'm ...not

GEORGE [to HONEY]: It's a very old ritual, monkey-nipples. . . old as they come.

As a digression, the roles of Martha and George in the movie version were superbly acted by Elizabeth Taylor and Richard Burton. The latter should have received an Oscar.

It’s interesting, is it not, that as attitudes towards sex have become more liberal and morality has relaxed, dancing has become less sexual. In past times when sex was less open, men and women held each other and moved together. Today they don’t touch.

In Judaism, especially in Orthodox tradition, men and women are separated in some ceremonies and contexts, for instance in some Orthodox prayer services, weddings and bar mitzvahs. Currently, the majority of Orthodox Jews do not participate in mixed dancing.

Which leads me to the classic funny about it.

__________

(A “mitzvah” is a commandment or a moral deed performed as a religious duty).

Preparing for their religious wedding, a modern Orthodox Jewish couple met with their rabbi for counselling. Before leaving the meeting, the rabbi asked if they had any last minute questions.

"Rabbi," the man asked, "we realise that it is tradition for men to dance with men, and women to dance with women, at the reception, but we would like to ask for your permission to dance together."

"Most definitely not!" replied the rabbi. "It is immodest. Men and women always dance separately."

"Then I can't even dance with my wife after the ceremony?" asked the man.

"NO!" answered the rabbi. "It is strictly forbidden."

"Well, what about sex?" the man asked. "Is it permitted for us to finally have sex?"

"Oh, certainly," the rabbi said. "Sex is a mitzvah within marriage, to have children."

"What about different positions?" the man inquired.

"That's no problem," said the rabbi. ""It's a mitzvah."

"Even with the woman on top, or doggy style?" the man asked.

"Sure," answered the rabbi. "Go for it, after all, it's a mitzvah."

"Can we even do it on the bed, with mirrors on the ceiling, a vibrator and a bottle of hot oil?" asked the man.

"You may indeed. It's all a mitzvah," the rabbi replied.

"What about doing it standing up?" asked the man.

"No! No!" the rabbi exclaimed. "Absolutely not! NEVER standing up!"

"Why not?" the confused man asked.

"That could lead to dancing!" the rabbi replied.

---- 😊😊😊 -----

LIMERICK OF THE WEEK:

There was a young girl from Hong Kong

Who said, "You are utterly wrong

To say my vagina

Is the largest in China

Just because of your mean little dong."

---- 😊😊😊 -----

GALLERY:

(I just love Jim Ungar’s Herman cartoons, love how he draws the characters and the so dry but so true situations) . . .

---- 😊😊😊 -----

RELIGION SPOT

A KGB agent goes to a library and sees an old Jewish man reading a book.

“What are you reading, old man?” he asks.

“I’m learning Hebrew, comrade,” replies the old Jew.

The KGB agent asks, “What are you learning Hebrew for? You know it takes years to get a permission to travel to Israel? You will die before you get one.”

“I’m learning Hebrew for when I go to heaven so I can speak with Moses and Abraham,” replies the old man.

“How do you know you’re going to heaven? What if you go to hell?” asks the KGB agent.

“I already speak Russian."

__________

Some reader comments re the above:

I thought judaism didn't have hell. I was under the impression that hell was a christian invention.

Ask two Jews what happens after you die and get three different answers.

As a Jew, I would also say that we really do often have multiple opinions when trying to explain something. Perhaps because it is a very ancient culture, with different stories handed down. Example: ask several different Jews why we step on a glass (or lightbulb) at a wedding. Many different answers.

So why do Jews step on a glass or lightbulbs at weddings?

Well, obviously the answer varies. Some say it is to show how fragile a marriage can be. It can also symbolize fidelity, as the bride and groom can drink from the glass, then it is broken to show that no one else can share in this. Many couples want to keep the glass they drink from, so then we just step on a light bulb. It is inside something, so it is safe. Some might say it is just a fun tradition with a satisfying loud popping sound. Which suggests a slightly different interpretation of popping, though I really don’t think that’s one of the popular answers. The joke (even among Jews, so it really isn’t an anti Semitic trope) about getting more answers than people you asked is legit, since some will give more Than one possible answer. For all we know, maybe it was just a way to sell more glasses , lol

My Jewish friend said it was the last time the man gets to put his foot down, so there's yet another explanation!

The origin comes from the Talmud, where the practice was to break something during a happy occasion to remember the destruction of the temple. See Berachos, 31a, https://www.sefaria.org/Berakhot.31a?lang=bi

So I'm probably gonna end up proving the 2 Jews 3 opinions, but the original religious reason is to remember the sacking of Jerusalem and the holy temple. We do it so that even in the happiest of times, we do not forget what happened to the temple and to Jerusalem, what we lost and should theoretically be looking to rebuild. With time it become a symbol of marriage itself and is actually a fun moment.

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CORN CORNER:

__________

The worst part about being a giraffe

is having a lot of time to think about your mistakes when you’re sinking into quicksand.

__________

How did the Australian pay for his new chess set?

Cheque, mate.