Bytes has been MIA due to Otto being unwell.
He advises it will resume when he is up and about again.
Sunday, January 28, 2024
Friday, January 19, 2024
QUOTE FOR THE DAY
The Day of Our Divorce Hearing
you treated me to lunch, a spaghetti place.
We had never been so kind to each other.
When you said I’m still a slob we laughed.
After lunch we stood in the parking lot.
You said, You have the last word
but I said, No, I’m tired of being
the one who sums things up.
You get the last word.
But you couldn’t think of one.
So off you went to our silver car,
I to our red one.
It’s three years later.
And even that’s just a story now.
Lately I don’t feel as if I lived with you.
But I remember our kindness that day,
when it no longer mattered.
you treated me to lunch, a spaghetti place.
We had never been so kind to each other.
When you said I’m still a slob we laughed.
After lunch we stood in the parking lot.
You said, You have the last word
but I said, No, I’m tired of being
the one who sums things up.
You get the last word.
But you couldn’t think of one.
So off you went to our silver car,
I to our red one.
It’s three years later.
And even that’s just a story now.
Lately I don’t feel as if I lived with you.
But I remember our kindness that day,
when it no longer mattered.
Ruth Lepson
FUNNY FRIDAY
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Apologies for missing emails, readers, unfortunately due to circumstances beyond my control.
Today’s theme is divorce, let’s see if we can milk some humour out of it…
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SOME HUMOUR:
__________
An 8-year-old girl went to her dad, who was working in the yard.
She asked him, "Daddy, what is sex?” The father was surprised that she would ask such a question, but decides that if she is old enough to ask the question, then she is old enough to get a straight answer.
He proceeded to tell her. When he finished explaining, the little girl was looking at him with her mouth hanging open. The father asked her, "Why did you ask this question?"
The little girl replied, "Mom told me to tell you that dinner would be ready in just a couple of secs."
__________
What do they say at the divorced people’s bar?
You don’t have to stay here, but you can’t go home.
__________
“Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. Second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience.”
__________
A young woman is divorced after only a few years of marriage, and it is not long before her friends begin to ask her if she is thinking of marrying again. ‘Right now, no,’ the young woman answers, ‘I’ve hardly begun to enjoy using the remote control.’”
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A little old lady of ninety goes to the doctor complaining of terrible flatulence.
She tells him she is otherwise in perfect health, but the constant wind is very uncomfortable. She adds, "But I'm so grateful that at least it isn't embarassing. You see, the remarkable thing is, it's always completely silent and it doesn't smell at all. You would have no idea, but I've actually passed wind at least fifteen times just during this appointment."
The doctor agrees that is indeed remarkable, and he prescribes the old lady a course of tablets and tells her to come back the next week.
When she returns, she isn't happy. She tells the doctor that she doesn't think the tablets he prescribed have done her any good at all. She still passes wind just as much, and although it is still completely silent, now it smells absolutely terrible.
The doctor nods. "Excellent. Now we've cleared up your sinus problems, let's see what we can do about your hearing."
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LIMERICK OF THE WEEK:
A few from the vault…
Your editor has frequent late nights
As he thinks, researches and writes,
Remembering as I sit
That tempus fugit,
To bring you each daily Bytes.
Courtesy of my father in law, Noel:
On the chest of a barmaid at Yale
Were tattooed the prices of ale,
And on her behind
For the sake of the blind
The same information in braille.
There was a young lady from Hyde
Who ate a green apple and died.
The apple fermented
Inside the lamented,
And made cider inside her inside.
From the crypt of Justin St Giles
Came a scream that resounded for miles.
Said the vicar "Goodness gracious!
Has Father Ignatius
Forgotten the Bishop has piles?"
A preoccupied vegan named Hugh
picked up the wrong sandwich to chew.
He took a big bite
before spitting, in fright,
"OMG, WTF, BBQ!"
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GALLERY:
---- 😊😊😊 -----
CORN CORNER:
__________
My buddy convinced me to join this group.
They were a little odd, and were really into colors. They ascribed religious meaning to wavelengths of light. They thought the most pure form of light had wavelengths between 490 and 520 nm. They told me those came directly from God. It took me a while, but I finally realized I had joined the Church of Cyantology.
__________
My wife found out I was cheating after she found the letters I was hiding
She got mad and said she is never playing Scrabble with me again!
__________
A divorce court judge said to the husband, “I have reviewed this case very carefully, and I’ve decided to give your wife $800 a week.”
“That’s very fair, your honour,” he replied. “And every now and then, I’ll try to send her a few bucks myself.”
__________
What did Yoda say to Princess Leia after separating with Han Solo?
May divorce be with you.
__________
Judge: “On what grounds do you want a divorce?”
Husband: “My wife is out all night, every night! From bar to bar, almost visits all the bars and pubs in town every day!”
Judge: “You mean to say she’s severely alcoholic and cheats on you every day?”
Husband: “No, she’s out looking for me!”
Tuesday, January 16, 2024
OZ DAY APPROAHES
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As we approach Australia Day with its associated PC and woke commentaries, discord and even hate, it raises another aspect upon which my friend Steve and I have disagreed for years: the Australian flag.
Some comments:
- Steve feels we should retain the existing flag.
- I have no objection, just take off the Union Jack.
- When the below poem was written by Banjo Patterson, Australians fought under the British flag as a colony of Britain.
- The comments in that poem still hold equally true about removing the Union Jack.
- Five Commonwealth nations have the Union Jack on their national flag: Australia, Fiji , New Zealand, Tuvalu.
- The first Commonwealth country to drop the Union Flag was Canada in 1965, after adopting a new national flag. The most recent country to drop the Union Flag from its flag was South Africa in 1994, after adopting a new national flag.
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Our Own Flag
- Andrew ‘Banjo’ Paterson
They mustered us with a royal din
In wearisome weeks of drought
Ere ever the half of the crops were in
Or the half of the sheds cut out
'Twas down with saddle and spurs and whip
The swagman dropped his swag
And we hurried us off to an outbound ship
To fight for the English flag
The English flag.. it is ours in sooth
We stand by it wrong or right
But deep in our hearts is the honest truth
We fought for the sake of a fight
And the English flag may flutter and wave
Where the World-wide Oceans toss
But the flag the Australian dies to save
Is the flag of the Southern Cross
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When the miners at Eureka rebelled in 1854 at the harsh, unfair and brutal treatment being directed at them by the government and police, the oath they took was by the Southern Cross.
From a past Bytes:
We swear by the Southern Cross to stand truly by each other and fight to defend our rights and liberties.
What better oath for the miners to take. A collection of miners of different creeds, colours, faiths, political allegiances and origins swore not to a political entity or to a divine being, but to the Southern Cross above them, the constellation under which they toiled, lived and slept, the stars from which they took bearings for directions. An oath to stand by each other for their rights and liberties, under a flag which for the first time in Australian history stood for independence, fairness and freedom.
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One final item from the vault about the Southern Cross:
On a day celebrating all things Oz, and at a time when there is ongoing debate about our flag and anthem (and I place on record that I hate the inane lyric “Our home is girt by sea”), it is appropriate to recall the victory song of the Australian Cricket Team, sung when victorious:
"Under the Southern Cross I stand
A sprig of wattle in my hand
A native of my native land
Australia, you fucking beauty"
Sunday, January 14, 2024
SONG SPOT: TENTERFIELD SADDLER
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"Tenterfield Saddler" is a poignant song written by Peter Allen in 1970 and tells the moving story of his life, from his much-loved grandfather, George Woolnough, his troubled relationship with his father and moving to New York to marry Liza Minnelli, "a girl with an interesting face".
The lyric "been all 'round the world and lives no special place", is compared to a lyric of another of his songs, "no matter how far or how wide I roam, I still call
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Links:
1977, live in Sydney:
1981, live from Radio City Music Hall NYC, with a commentary by Peter Allen:
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Lyrics:
The late George Woolnough
Worked on High Street
And lived on Manners
52 years he sat on his veranda
And made his saddles
And if you had questions
About sheep or flowers or dogs
you just ask the saddler
He lived without sin
They're building a library for him
Time is a traveller
Tenterfield saddler turn your head
ride again Jackaroo
Think I see kangaroo up ahead
The son of George Woolnough
Went off and got married
And had a war baby
But something was wrong
And it's easier to drink then go crazy
And if there were questions about why
The end was so sad
Well George had no answers about why a son
Ever has need of a gun
Time is a traveller
Tenterfield saddler turn your head
Ride again Jackaroo
Think i see kangaroo up ahead
The grandson of George
Has been all around the world
And lives no special place
Changed his last name
And he married a girl with an interesting face
He'd almost forgotten them both
Because in the life that he leads
There's nowhere for George
And his library
Or the son with his gun
to belong except in this song
Time is a traveller
Tenterfield saddler turn your head
Ride again Jackaroo
Think I see kangaroo up ahead
Time is a medler
Tenterfield saddler make your bed
Fly away cookatoo
Down on the ground emu up ahead
Time is a tale teller
Tenterfield saddler turn your head
Ride again Jackaroo
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Comments:
Peter Allen was born Peter Richard Woolnough (1944 – 1992) and was an Australian singer-songwriter, musician, and entertainer, known for his flamboyant stage persona, energetic performances, and lavish costumes.
Allen's songs were made popular by many recording artists, including Elkie Brooks, Melissa Manchester and Olivia Newton-John, including Newton-John's first chart-topping hit "I Honestly Love You", and the chart-topping and Academy Award-winning "Arthur's Theme (Best That You Can Do)" by Christopher Cross.
In addition to recording many albums, Allen enjoyed a cabaret and concert career, including appearances at the Radio City Music Hall riding a camel. His patriotic song "I Still Call Australia Home", has been used extensively in advertising campaigns, and was added to the National Film and Sound Archive's Sounds of Australia registry in 2013.
Allen was the first husband of Liza Minnelli. Allen had a long-term partner, model Gregory Connell (1949–84). They met in 1973 and were together until Connell's death in 1984. Allen and Connell died from AIDS-related cancer eight years apart, with Allen becoming one of the first well-known Australians to die from AIDS.
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Lyrics with cmments:
The late George Woolnough
Worked on High Street
And lived on Manners
52 years he sat on his veranda
And made his saddles
And if you had questions
About sheep or flowers or dogs
you just ask the saddler
He lived without sin
They're building a library for him
George Woolnough (1884 – 1963) was a saddler in Tenterfield, New South Wales, from 1908 until his retirement in 1960.
Woolnough's son, Dick Woolnough, became a violent alcoholic upon returning from World War II, eventually shooting and killing himself. Woolnough never understood, nor got over this devastating event.
Manners is another street name.
George Woolnough
Built in 1860 of quarried blue granite, the Tenterfield Saddlery at which Woolnough worked is National Trust of Australia listed. On 26 November 2005 an extension of the Tenterfield library was opened and named the "George Woolnough Wing".
Time is a traveller
Tenterfield saddler turn your head
ride again Jackaroo
Think I see kangaroo up ahead
The son of George Woolnough
Went off and got married
And had a war baby
But something was wrong
And it's easier to drink then go crazy
And if there were questions about why
The end was so sad
Well George had no answers about why a son
Ever has need of a gun
Peter Allen had one sibling, a younger sister named Lynne. Allen grew up in nearby Armidale and lived there from about six weeks of age until the age of 14. This is also where he first learned piano and dance. Allen's performing career began when he was 11, playing the piano in the ladies' lounge of the New England Hotel in Armidale. His father became a violent alcoholic after returning from World War II. In November 1958, he committed suicide by gunshot when Allen was 14. Soon after his father's suicide, Allen left school with an Intermediate Certificate and moved to Lismore with his mother and sister to live with relatives. His grandfather, George Woolnough, never understood or got over this devastating event.
Time is a traveller
Tenterfield saddler turn your head
Ride again Jackaroo
Think i see kangaroo up ahead
The grandson of George
Has been all around the world
And lives no special place
Changed his last name
And he married a girl with an interesting face
He'd almost forgotten them both
Because in the life that he leads
There's nowhere for George
And his library
Or the son with his gun
to belong except in this song
Peter Allen did go all around the world during his career. Nonetheless he also wrote and sang “no matter how far or how wide I roam, I still call Australia home.”
Allen, born Peter Richard Woolnough, changed his last name when he and Chris Bell formed a duo called the Allen Brothers.
Allen was at one time married to Liza Minelli, the girl with the interesting face.
Time is a traveller
Tenterfield saddler turn your head
Ride again Jackaroo
Think I see kangaroo up ahead
Time is a medler
Tenterfield saddler make your bed
Fly away cookatoo
Down on the ground emu up ahead
Time is a tale teller
Tenterfield saddler turn your head
Ride again Jackaroo
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Additional commentary:
From:
As for the references in the chorus: a jackaroo is a very Australian term for a male training to be a stockman and kangaroos, cockatoos, and emus are all distinctly Australian animals. I would assume that these references are supposed to portray George as a very Australian bloke.
___________
The following commentary is excellent and is also from:
It is reprinted by me in full:
At a less individual level, the song, I believe, has great human resonance by its description of time as an unstoppable, inexorable force that eventually lays the truth out for all to see, pretty or otherwise. "Time is a traveler" is the most frequently repeated chorus line in the song, which for me evokes both the human image of horsemen moving forward, but also the universal hand of time conquering all. Time is also a "tale teller" and a "meddler".It is a meddler in that it doesn't always cooperate to help our lives turn out the way we had planned, which Peter would have known applied to his father who killed himself. It is also arguable that time likewise "meddled" in Peter's own life, when he subsequently died prematurely of AIDS after contracting HIV from a homosexual partner.Time is also a "tale teller" - it ultimately mocks our fronts, masks and pretences, and eventually lays open the hard truth to judgment. Time has told the tale of George Woolnough's decency and success, just as it has told the tale of the uncontrolled, unreliable and failed life of Peter's father. Peter would have also known that it would tell the tale of his life, and indeed details of his sexuality - and of obviously his premature death - only emerged after the song was written.Time has also been a "tale teller" by showing that being the son of a good, stable man is no guarantee that a child ("son with a gun") will not go along the wrong track, and by showing that a life of personal tragedy (Peter's lifestyle and prematurely dying of AIDS) is a very common outcome of being raised in a house with a mentally ill, alcoholic, suicidal father.In the end, Peter is right in saying that given the power of time, as humans with our lives all we can do is "make a bet". We can make the wisest possible decision at any point in time to provide ourselves the best chances - but the reality is that we are still only "making a bet" in that even the decision we foresaw as the wisest could nonetheless end in complete disaster when the hand of time moves and reveals the final outcome.
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Gallery:
This is not the actual Tenterfield Saddlery which is located in Tenterfield but rather it is a prop that was created for the television mini series Not The Boy Next Door which tells the story of George Woolnough's grandson, Australian entertainer, Peter Allen.
Peter would immortalise his grandfather in his song, Tenterfield Saddler.
The mini series was filmed in and around the small New South Wales township of Carcoar.
Peter Allen and Gregory Connell, Sydney 1975
Saturday, January 13, 2024
JIGSAW PUZZLES
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Byter and regular contributor Sue P sent me an email a few days ago;
Hi Otto and happy 2024!This lady has stimulated a family debate on the “purpose” of jigsaw puzzles: is it the challenge of fitting shapes together (like Tetris) or the slow reveal of an image (usually beautiful) with the sense of satisfaction being like a secondary reward for delayed gratification What were the earliest jigsaw puzzles?Regards, Sue
Thanks, Sue.
By way of comment:
- When you click on the link, you will see that the person shown designs things that she thinks are fun.
- Her latest is a jigsaw puzzle, all in white, that has one piece missing,
- I don’t know what is fun about that.
- According to Wikipedia:
Simone Luna Louise Söderlund is a Swedish inventor, maker, robotics enthusiast, TV host, and professional YouTuber. She has also previously worked in mixed martial arts sports journalism and was an editor for Sweden's official website Sweden.se.
- Unfortunately she is suffering from ongoing major health problems.
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However, the point of today’s post is jigsaw puzzles and to respond to Sue.
Before doing so, let me give you my feelings:
I have always hated jigsaw puzzles, even as a little kid. It seems to me such a wasted input of physical and mental effort that the time wasted is not worth the final result or outcome. Likewise crosswords, Soduku etc
You may not feel the same way.
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Notes on jigsaw puzzles:
__________
The first jigsaw puzzle was made during the 18th century.
Most historians agree that the English engraver and map maker John Spilsbury is the inventor of the puzzle. As early as 1766, Spilsbury glued a map of Great Britain onto a wooden board, which he sawed along the borders of the British counties. This is where the English term “jigsaw puzzle” comes from. He sold the sawn maps as teaching aids for geography lessons.
"Europe divided into its kingdoms, etc." (1766) Believed to be the first purpose-made jigsaw puzzle
__________
Before they were called “jigsaw puzzles,” they were named “dissected maps.”
As the first puzzles were designed from cutting up sections of a map, they were aptly called “dissected maps.” As they evolved over the years and cutting techniques changed, they were renamed “jigsaw puzzles.”
__________
Jigsaw puzzles haven't been mass-produced for that long.
The mass production and greater availability of jigsaw puzzles only began with the invention of the punching machine in the 20th century. According to ThoughtCo. Individual metal stamps were made for each puzzle, which were pressed onto cardboard or softwood boards to punch out the puzzle pieces.
__________
Puzzles were once reserved for the rich.
Unlike today, the popular game could only be afforded by the rich until the beginning of mass production. Each puzzle has been painstakingly handcrafted from expensive mahogany or cedar wood by gluing a picture onto the wooden panel and then sawing out each piece individually.
When Spilsbury created the original puzzles, among the students that learned with this tool were the children of King George III and Queen Charlotte, who were taught by the royal governess, Lady Charlotte Finch.
Nowadays there are some jigsaw puzzle manufacturers who make their jigsaw puzzles in a similar way again.
__________
Jigsaws have never been used in the making of jigsaw puzzles.
Despite their name, “jigsaw puzzles” is something of a misnomer. While a saw has in fact been used in creating this type of puzzle, a jigsaw has never been used in the cutting process. The fretsaw became the popular tool used to make jigsaws in the 1880s, but “fretsaw puzzle” just didn’t have the same ring to it as “jigsaw puzzle.”__________
Jigsaw puzzles became a popular hobby during the Great Depression.
According to well-known puzzle collector Bob Armstrong, who actually wrote extensively about puzzles and even gave lectures, puzzles became a popular hobby during the Great Depression of the late 1920s. Many of the puzzles were made by skilled workers who were suddenly unemployed. Since few people had the money to travel, people preferred to puzzle exotic motifs.
__________
The study of puzzles is called enigmatology.
It is possible to get a degree in puzzles. Enigmatology is the study and science of puzzles of all sorts, including mathematical, logical, or word-based. Will Shortz, the crossword editor of The New York Times, designed the program at Indiana University via the Individualized Major Program (IMP). Shortz is currently the only individual on the planet to hold a degree in enigmatology.
__________
Americans use jigsaws more than any other table game yearly.
With approximately 50% of Americans buying between three and six puzzles annually and over 1.8 billion jigsaw puzzles sold per year, it’s not surprising that jigsaws are the most loved table game. Even when puzzles seem impossible to complete, we enjoy them. The popularity of the jigsaw spurred the development of International Puzzle Day in 1995 to celebrate this pastime.
__________
The health benefits of puzzles are significant.
Puzzles are beneficial for your brain and brain health. Not only can they increase your mood, but they also improve your mental reasoning and spatial awareness, enhance your short-term memory and help you with problem-solving. They can even lower stress levels, provide your brain with a mental workout, and potentially increase your IQ score by up to 4 points.
I still think they are a colossal waste of time.
__________
The fastest jigsaw puzzle-solving record was completed in less than 10 minutes.
On December 26, 2020, Tammy McLeod of Burbank, California solved the Guinness World Records puzzle challenge in 9 minutes and 58 seconds. The previous reigning champion was then 15-year-old Deepika Ravichandran from East Hampton, Connecticut, who completed the puzzle in 13 minutes and 7 seconds in 2014.
__________
A 1,000-piece puzzle with take you four times as long as a 500-piece puzzle.
While one would think it would only take double the amount of time, every time the amount of pieces is doubled, the difficulty is quadrupled. The length of time it takes to complete a puzzle significantly increases the higher the piece count.
__________
Jigsaw puzzles were often used as an advertising and promotional tool.
As puzzles evolved over the years, imagery moved beyond geographic patterns and nature scenes to include product advertising and promotions. Many times, companies gave out puzzles that featured one of their products or included it for free with purchase.
__________
There are quite a few celebrities that are fond of jigsaw puzzles in their downtime.
Among them are actors Patrick Stewart and Hugh Jackman, philanthropist Bill Gates, and even the late Queen Elizabeth II was a
puzzle enthusiast.
Friday, January 12, 2024
FUNNY FRIDAY
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A plethora of humour, including a repeat of one of my favourites, but be warned, there is risqué content.
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SOME HUMOUR:
__________
I wish everyone would lay off Lance Armstrong. What an amazing achievement to recover from testicular cancer and win the tour de France 7 consecutive times. I don't care he used drugs....
When I was on drugs I couldn't even find my bike.
__________
A guy is out running in the park.
He sees an older man sitting on a bench with an upset look on his face. The guy waves it off and continues his run.
Another lap later, he sees an older woman sitting on that same bench with the older guy, both of them looking upset. Again, the runner waves it off, but this time his curiosity has been piqued.
Every time he passes by them, the runner still sees that its occupants look upset. When he finishes his final lap, he decides to stop.
"Okay, I've been running laps by this bench here," the runner says. "And every time I've passed by it, I see you two sitting there looking upset. What's going on?"
The man answers. "Come, sit down and we'll explain why."
So the runner looks at his watch. "Yeah, sure, I'm done with my run anyway." He sits down on the bench next to the man and woman. "So, what's the problem?"
"The problem?" the woman asks. "They just painted this bench."
__________
I've decided to produce my own line of cologne and body spray.
I've taken samples of sweat and body odour from various groups of people as inspiration for the scent.
I'm going to call it Eau de Humanity.
__________
A man is wandering deep in the forest when he comes upon a strange looking pub...
The man walks inside and is immediately greeted by the barkeep.
"What can I get you?" the barkeep asks.
"I'll just have a beer," the man replies.
"Unfortunately, the guy who just left drank our last beer," the barkeep says. "However, I do have another drink I can offer you... the Elixir of the Forest Elves."
"What's that?" the man inquires.
"Ah," the barkeep responds. "It's a potent mix of dragon blood, unicorn hair, and fairy tears."
The man thinks for a moment. "Alright, I'll try one of those."
The barkeep gets to work behind the bar, mixing the mystical ingredients: lights flash, colours change, smoke billows. He returns with a goblet, its contents bubbling out of the sides.
Intrigued, the man takes a nervous sip.
"Jesus Christ," the man exclaims. "That tastes horrible."
"No shit," says the barkeep. "Why do you think the last guy drank all the beer?
__________
What type of elf is the rudest?
A go fuck yours elf.
---- 😊😊😊 -----
I have posted this a number of times previously but it is so good that it is worth posting regularly. I even respond sometimes to people’s comments by saying “Plethora. That means a lot.”
__________
A man is at the funeral of an old friend.
He tentatively approaches the deceased's wife and asks whether he can say a word. The widow nods. The man clears his throat and says, "Plethora."
The widow smiles appreciatively. "Thank you," she says. "That means a lot."
Another man comes up and says: "Mind if I say a word too?" She says: "Please do." The man clears his throat and says: "Bargain." The widow replies: "Thanks, that means a great deal."
Another man comes up and asks for the same privilege. The widow thanks him, saying that would be very nice. The man clears his throat and says: "Earth." The widow replies, "Thank you, that means the world."
Another man comes up and asks if he could say a couple words. The widow thanks him, saying that would be very nice. The man clears his throat and says: "Being alive." The widow replies, "Thank you, he would have liked that."
Another man comes up and asks if he could say a word. The widow thanks him, saying that would be very nice. The man clears his throat and says: "Infinity". The widow replies, "Thank you, that means more than you could possibly imagine."
Another man comes up and asks if he could say a word. The widow thanks him, saying that would be very nice. The man clears his throat and says: "Fhqwhgads". The widow replies: "Thanks, you don't know what that means."
Another man comes up and says: “Mind if I say a few words too?” She says: “Please do.” The man clears his throat and says: “The Mariana Trench.” The widow replies: “Thanks, that’s really deep.”
Another man comes up and says: "Mind if I say a few words too?" She says: "Please do." The man clears his throat and says: "water pit". The widow replies: "Thanks, I know you mean well."
Another man approaches the widow and says: “I’m truly sorry for your loss, he was a great man.”
The widow replies: “I’m not sure you understand what’s happening here.”
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LIMERICK OF THE WEEK:
There once was a pious young priest
Who lived almost wholly on yeast
"For," he said, "It is plain
We must all rise again
And I want to get started, at least."
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GALLERY:
(Thanks, Vince)
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RELIGION SPOT
Two bees meet at a city intersection
Bee #1 says "Hey, how's it going?"
Bee #2 replies, "Terrible. I can't find any flowers worth talking about in the city. You're looking good though."
Bee #1 responds, "Yeah, life here is treating me well. Listen, go 3 blocks north of here, then 2 blocks west. There is a bar mitzvah going on and they have flowers everywhere."
Bee #2 thanks him and flies off to the north, following the directions.
A few hours later, our bees cross paths again.
Bee #1 comments, "Hey, you're looking much better now. Looks like it went well for you at the bar mitzvah. But what's that on your head?"
Bee #2 replies, "It's a yarmulke. I didn't want them to think I was a wasp."
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CORN CORNER:
__________
I recently visited Australia, it’s such a nasty, horrible place…
Everyone I met told me to “go die”.
(According to one commenter:
Aussie here. G’day really doesn’t sound like ‘go die’.
According to another:
I didn’t laugh at this joke. I just smiled and gave you a vegemite sandwich.
Still another:
“Sounds like “G’day mate.” A common Aussie greeting. They just kinda flubbed the delivery by forgetting the “mate” part of the expression.)
__________
I avoid using long words.
It's counterproductive and obfuscatory.
__________
My fear of palindromes is really starting to affect my life, so I asked the doctor if he could prescribe me anything.
The bastard gave me Xanax.
__________
What kind of car does the president of the palindrome society own?
A Toyota
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