Friday, July 31, 2015

Quote for the day

"I sits among the cabbages and leeks."

- Marie Lloyd (1870-1922)

A stage performer known for her innuendo and double meaning songs, she changed a lyric to the above after outraged moralists objected to the original "I sits among the cabbages and peas."

Funny Friday

Today's theme: Adam and Eve, insofar as the "God made Adam and Eve, not Adam and Steve" quote came up at work during the week . . .

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Adam was roaming around the Garden of Eden making up names for all the animals that were there. He also noticed that there were two kinds of each species - male and female. And he also noticed that most of the animals were mating and seemed to be enjoying this very much. So, he went to his special place and called out in a loud voice, "Hey, God!". And a loud booming voice replied, "Yes, Adam".

Adam: "Hey, God - There's an awful lot of animals down here."

God: "Yes, Adam - I have created many species and I trust you have not run out of names for them."

Adam: "No, that's not the problem. But, I have noticed that there are two kinds of each species."

God: "Yes, Adam. One kind is male and the other is female."

Adam: "Hey, God - why is there a male and a female of each species ?"

God: "So they can mate and procreate. This will ensure the continuation of the species."

Adam: "Hey, God."

God: (sigh) "Yes, Adam."

Adam: "Which am I?"

God: "You, Adam, are a male."

Adam: "Hey, God, I've noticed that most of the animals are mating --- and they seem to be really enjoying themselves. If it isn't too much trouble, do you think...maybe,....I could..."

God: "All right, Adam. The time has come for me to provide you with a mate. Go lie down and when you have fallen asleep, I will create your mate."

So, Adam leaves his special place, finds a patch of soft grass under a tree, lies down, and falls asleep. Some time later he awakes (possibly due to a slight pain in his side) and heads immediately to his special place.

Adam: "Hey, God."

God: "Yes, Adam."

Adam:"Hey, God - did you remember to do what you promised ?"

God: "Yes, Adam. While you were sleeping I created for you a mate. Her name is Eve. You will find her in the bushes near the place where you were sleeping."

Adam rushes off to find Eve in the bushes. A few minutes later he is back at his special place, calling ...

Adam: "Hey, God."

God: "Yes, Adam."

Adam: "What's a headache?"

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Little April was not the best student in Sunday school.  Usually she slept through the class. 

One day the teacher called on her while she was napping, "Tell me, April, who created the universe?" 

When April didn't stir, little Johnny, a boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear. "GOD ALMIGHTY!" shouted April and the teacher said, "Very good" and April fell back asleep. 

A while later the teacher asked April, "Who is our Lord and Saviour," but April didn't even stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to the rescue and stuck her again. 'JESUS CHRIST!" shouted April and the teacher said, "very good," and April fell back to sleep. 

Then the teacher asked April a third question. "What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?" And again, Johnny jabbed her with the pin. This time April jumped up and shouted, "IF YOU STICK THAT FUCKING THING IN ME ONE MORE TIME, I'LL BREAK IT IN HALF AND STICK IT UP YOUR ARSE!"

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Corn Corner:

(All the corny Adam and Eve items I came across were just too corny - example: What was the longest day in the Bible? The day Adam was created because there was no Eve.  So here is another themed one, probably too good to be corny. . .)

This couple was crossing the desert with a camel. The lady was pregnant and riding the camel. All of a sudden, they were stopped by an Israeli patrol.

The soldiers asked for some identification. The soldiers looked at the IDs and saw that the man was Joseph, and the lady was Mary.

So they asked the couple where they were going. They replied 'Jerusalem.'

The two soldiers looked at each other and grinned, 'Yea, and I guess your going to name the baby Jesus?'

The couple replied, ' What. We look Puerto Rican???

Thursday, July 30, 2015

Quote for the day

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Today's Reality

Today’s reality:

Lots of friends on Facebook
No best friends

High IQ
Less emotions

Advanced medicine
Poor health

More degrees
Less commonsense

Number of affairs
No true love

More knowledge
Less wisdom

Touched moon
Neighbours unknown

High income
Less peace of mind

Costly watches
No time

Lots of humans
Less humanity

Wednesday, July 29, 2015

Quote for the day

"In politics you must always keep running with the pack. The moment that you falter and they sense that you are injured, the rest will turn on you like wolves."

- R A Butler (1902-1982)

British politician

Guess who?

Sent to me by Leo, thanks amigo.

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We have all seen old pics of famous people but the text with these 
make them most interesting.

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He experienced a turbulent childhood. Despite his artistic talent, his teachers regarded him a troublesome clown and wrote in his school reports that he was “certainly on the road to failure”. 

John Lennon

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A studious Xhosa prince who studied law, and spent many years imprisoned.

Nelson Mandela

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This young man grew up so poor that one of the highlights of his childhood was the family buying a fridge. When he was 14 his father, who had little patience for the boy, decided he should become a police officer. 

Arnold Schwarzenegger

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At 16, this self-taught high school drop-out failed to pass the entrance exams to the Swiss Federal Polytechnic. His teachers thought he was “lazy, slow and dreamy”.

Albert Einstein

* * * * * * * * * *
As a mischievous schoolboy, he was condemned as a slow learner and a person who asked too many questions. 

Thomas Edison

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Born as AnjezĂ« Gonxhe Bojaxhiu in present day Macedonia to a wealthy Albanian family. 

Mother Teresa

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Born out of wedlock to a wealthy rancher and his cook, he was sent to Jesuit school. He went on to study law and became embroiled in fighting the Batista dictatorship.

Fidel Castro

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A young black student from Honolulu, who went on to study law at Harvard.

Barack Obama

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This shy kid was often bullied for being a mama's boy and grew up in poor, mostly black neighborhoods. His first job was being a truck driver.

Elvis Presley

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This young pioneer was hated and called a cockroach by his classmates. 

Vladimir Putin

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Born Vladimir Oulianoff, this beloved boy was his father’s favorite son and adored by his sisters and schoolmasters.

Vladimir Lenin

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A young hippy couple in love, who met in law school

Bill and Hillary Clinton

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A talented young officer and secular socialist, who overthrew King Idris I

Muammar Gaddafi

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This cutie grew up dirt poor as one of 12 kids near the Great Smoky Mountains of Tennessee. Her talent was spotted early and she began performing as a child.

Dolly Parton

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Joseph Djougashvili had several roles including bank robber, defrocked seminarian and police informer

Josef Stalin

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Due to a complicated labor the doctors accidently severed a nerve in this man’s face, resulting in partial paralysis of his lower left side of his face. His parents’ troubled marriage caused him to bounce between foster homes around Hell's Kitchen, New York. 

Sylvester Stallone

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This young student was arrested several times in the 70s and 80s for driving without a licence, suspected drunk driving and running a stop sign.

Bill Gates

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Born Farrokh Bulsara in Zanzibar, this Parsi man was named one of Time Asia’s most influential Asian heroes of the last 60 years.

Freddie Mercury

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Passport photo for migration to Australia from Holland, this lad grew to have his own blog.

Damn! Now who was that??