Friday, January 6, 2012

Funny Friday

Today’s Funny Friday is dedicated to my doc, David, who is also a personal friend and a subscriber to Bytes.  He is, to use an expression that in the Australian vernacular is the ultimate accolade, “a good bloke”. If someone is described by another as a good bloke, nothing more needs to be said. 

By the way, does anyone know why doctors are colloquially referred to as quacks?  It doesn't happen as much these days, it was more common when I was younger. . . 
 “Gees I’m feeling crook."
 “Then go see the quack and take a sickie.”

The description of doctors as “quacks” dates from about 1570 and comes from the Dutch kwakzalver, a hawker of salve (kwak – peddle; salve – ointment), and from the Middle Dutch quacken, meaning to brag, boast, to croak.  It referred to a peddler who sold fraudulent medicinal ointments in the street and who made claims of cure-all properties for such items.  The word was also used in England and was translated to quacksalver, having the same meaning but later referring more generally to a fake or unethical doctor.  It was eventually shortened to quack and over time became a colloquial term for all doctors, but still retaining an element of not being genuine.  

Caution:  there are some risque items in the following. 

 A SHORT HISTORY OF MEDICINE: "Doctor, I have an ear ache."
2000 B.C. - "Here, eat this root."
1000 B.C. - "That root is heathen, say this prayer."
1850 A.D. - "That prayer is superstition, drink this potion."
1940 A.D. - "That potion is snake oil, swallow this pill."
1985 A.D. - "That pill is ineffective, take this antibiotic."
2000 A.D. - "That antibiotic is artificial. Here, eat this root!"

A man walks into a doctor's office. He has a cucumber up his nose, a carrot in his left ear and a banana in his right ear.
"What's the matter with me?" he asks the doctor.
The doctor replies, "You're not eating properly."
A man goes to the doctor with a piece of lettuce hanging out of his ear.
“That looks nasty,” says the doctor.
“Yes,” replies the man. “And that’s just the tip of the iceberg!”

A doctor gave an elderly patient suffering from haemorrhoids a script for suppositories. 
When he met the old man in the street he asked whether the suppositories had had any effect.
“Nahh,” said the old man.  "For all the good they did, I might as well have shoved them up my arse.”

An American tourist goes on a trip to China. While there, he is sexually promiscuous and doesn't use a condom. A week after arriving home, he finds his willy is covered with bright green spots. Horrified, he goes to see his doctor. Days later the doctor calls and says, 'I've got bad news. You've contracted Mongolian VD. It's very rare. We know little about it. We have to amputate.' The man isnistes on getting a second opinion and sees another specialist who confirms the diagnosis and the treatment.  In desperation the man seeks out a Chinese doctor, figuring he'll know more about the disease. The Chinese doctor examines him and proclaims, 'Ah, yes, Mongowian VD.' 'What can you do?' asks the man. 'My American doctors want to amputate!' The Chinese doctor shakes his head and laughs, 'Stupid American doctors aways want to opewate. Make more money that way. No need to opewate!' 'Oh, thank God!' the man replies. 'Yes!' says the Chinese doctor. 'You no worry!  Wait two weeks. Faw off by self!'

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