Friday, August 3, 2018

Funny Friday


Welcome, dear readers, to another Funny Friday. In recognition of family members travelling, the 

theme today is different nationalities. There are a few repeats from past Bytes but that is to be expected, the number of funny jokes (unlike, as supposedly said by Einstein, the universe and stupidity) is finite. Enjoy. 

An Englishman, an Irishman, a Welshman and a Scot are captured by the Iraqis. 
The Iraq troop leader says, "Were going to shoot you, but we will give you one last request." 
He says to the Welshman "What’s your last request?" 
The Welshman says "I want a thousand Welshman singing ‘Land of my Fathers’." 
"Okay, you’ve got it.” 
“What about you?" he says to the Scotsman. 
"I want a thousand Scots pipers piping ‘Scotland the Brave’.” says the Scot. 
"You’ve got it." says the Iraqi. 
"What’s your last request?" he says to the Irishman. 
"I want a thousand Irishman doing the Riverdance" says Paddy. 
"It’s yours," says the Iraqi. 
Turning to the Englishman, he says, "And your last request?" 
The Englishman says "Shoot me first.” 

An Irishman and an Englishman walk into a bakery. The Englishman steals 3 buns and puts them into his pockets and leaves. He says to the Irishman, "That took great skill and guile to steal those buns. The owner didn't even see me." 

The Irishman replied, "That's just simple thievery, I'll show you how to do it the honest way and get the same results." 

The Irishman then proceeded to call out the owner of the bakery and says, "Sir, I want to show you a magic trick." The owner was intrigued so he came over to see the magic trick. 

The Irishman asked him for a bun and then he proceeded to eat it. He asked 2 more times and after eating them again the owner says, "Okay my friend, where's the magic trick?". 

The Irishman then said, "Look in the Englishman's pockets." 

Call me a racist if you want, but south of the border is a sea of violence, corruption and stupidity I wouldn't touch with a ten foot pole. 

I just thank my lucky stars I live in Canada. 

An Englishman, a Scotsman, an Irishman, a Welshman, a Latvian, a Turk, a German, an Indian, several Americans (including a Hawaiian and an Alaskan), an Argentinean, a Dane, an Australian, a Slovak, an Egyptian, a Japanese, a Moroccan, a Frenchman, a New Zealander, a Spaniard, a Russian, a Guatemalan, a Colombian, a Pakistani, a Malaysian, a Croatian, a Uzbek, a Cypriot, a Pole, a Lithuanian, a Chinese, a Sri Lankan, a Lebanese, a Cayman Islander, a Ugandan, a Vietnamese, a Korean, a Uruguayan, a Czech, an Icelander, a Mexican, a Finn, a Honduran, a Panamanian, an Andorran, an Israeli, a Venezuelan, an Iranian, a Fijian, a Peruvian, an Estonian, a Syrian, a Brazilian, a Portuguese, a Liechtensteiner, a Mongolian, a Hungarian, a Canadian, a Moldovan, a Haitian, a Norfolk Islander, a Macedonian, a Bolivian, a Cook Islander, a Tajikistani, a Samoan, an Armenian, an Aruban, an Albanian, a Greenlander, a Micronesian, a Virgin Islander, a Georgian, a Bahaman, a Belarusian, a Cuban, a Tongan, a Cambodian, a Canadian, a Qatari, an Azerbaijani, a Romanian, a Chilean, a Jamaican, a Filipino, a Ukrainian, a Dutchman, a Ecuadorian, a Costa Rican, a Swede, a Bulgarian, a Serb, a Swiss, a Greek, a Belgian, a Singaporean, an Italian, a Norwegian and 2 Africans walk into a fine restaurant. 

"I'm sorry" says the maĆ®tre d', after scrutinising the group. "But you can't come in here without a Thai". 

A Jewish lady's grandson is playing in the water, she is standing on the beach not wanting to get her feet wet, when all of a sudden, a huge wave appears from nowhere and crashes directly over the spot where the boy is wading. 

The water recedes and the boy is no longer there. He simply vanished. She holds her hands to the sky, screams and cries, "Lord, how could you? Have I not been a wonderful mother and grandmother? Have I not given to Bnai Brith and Haddasah? Have I not tried my very best to live a life that you would be proud of?" A few minutes later another huge wave appears out of nowhere and crashes on the beach. As the water recedes, the boy is standing there, smiling, splashing around as if nothing had ever happened. 

She looks up at the sky and says "He had a hat." 

Walking through San Francisco's Chinatown, a tourist from the Midwest was fascinated with all the Chinese restaurants, shops, signs and banners. He turned a corner and saw a building with the sign "Moishe Plotnik's Chinese Laundry.""Moishe Plotnik?" he wondered. "How does that fit in Chinatown?" 

So he walked into the shop and saw a fairly standard looking Chinese laundry. He could see that the proprietors were clearly aware of the uniqueness of the name as there were baseball hats, T-Shirts and coffee mugs emblazoned with the logo "Moishe Plotnik's Chinese Laundry."There was also a fair selection of Chinatown souvenirs, indicating that the name alone had brought many tourists into the shop. The tourist selected a coffee cup as a conversation piece to take back to his office. Behind the counter was a smiling old Chinese gentleman who thanked him for his purchase. 

The tourist asked, "Can you tell me how this place got a name like "Moishe Plotnik's Chinese Laundry? "The old man answered, "Ahh... Everybody asks me that. It's the name of the owner."Looking around, the tourist asked, "Is he here now?" 

"He is right here," replied the old man. "He is me." 

"Really? How did you ever get a name like Moishe Plotnik?" 

"Is simple," said the old man. "Many, many years ago when I came to this country, I was standing in line at the documentation center. The man in front of me was a Jewish gentleman from Poland. "The lady at the counter looked at him and said, 'What is your name?' 

"He said, 'Moishe Plotnik.' 

"Then she looked at me and said, 'What is your name?'" 

I said, 'Sam Ting.'" 

A British man is visiting Australia. The customs agent asks him, “Do you have a criminal record?” The British man replies, “I didn’t think you needed one to get into Australia anymore.” 



Corn Corner: 

I went to my local GP complaining of hearing problems and the doctor asked me if I could describe the symptoms. 

"Yes", I said. "Homer is fat and Marge has blue hair". 

My girlfriend said she’s leaving me because of my obsession with baby monitors. 

For crying out loud! 

DRIVERS: Whatever you do, don't get the U2 voiced satnav. The streets have no names and you'll never find what you are looking for. 

To the person who stole my antidepressants: I HOPE YOU’RE HAPPY NOW!!

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