Friday, August 17, 2018

Funny Friday


It’s Friday again and time for some funnies. As usual Mr Phelps, should you decide there is a warning that there is risque humour ahead. Also some non-PC items.

I will be away for a few days so there won’t be a weekend Bytes but back on Monday. 

Enjoy the weekend readers. 

Just been to get a loaf of bread at a cost of $2.80 and gave the grumpy looking girl at the till a $20 note. She said "Haven’t you got anything smaller, that will take all my change." I said "No, sorry, but I can pay on card if that helps" She sarcastically said "Of course that will help." So as I presented my card she said "Cash back?" I said "Yes please." "How much?" she asked. I said "$17.20." 


An oldie . . . 

After Adam was created, there he was in the Garden of Eden all alone. 

Of course it wasn't good for him to be all by himself, so the Lord came down to visit. 

"Adam," He said, "I have a plan to make you much, much happier. 

I'm going to give you a companion, a help mate for you -- someone who will fulfill your every need and desire. Someone who will be faithful, loving, and obedient. Someone who will make you feel wonderful every day of your life." 

Adam was stunned. "That's sounds incredible!" 

"Well, it is," replied the Lord. "But it doesn't come for free. In fact, this is someone so special that it's going to cost you an arm and a leg." 

"That's a pretty high price to pay," said Adam. "What can I get for a rib?" 


A man goes into a bar and seats himself on a stool. The bartender looks at him and says, "What'll it be buddy?" The man says, "Set me up with seven whiskey shots and make them doubles." The bartender does this and watches the man slug one down, then the next, then the next, and so on until all seven are gone almost as quickly as they were served. Staring in disbelief, the bartender asks why he's doing all this drinking. "You'd drink them this fast too if you had what I have." The bartender hastily asks, "What do you have pal?" The man quickly replies, "I have a dollar." 


A woman said to her cheating husband "Do you want to see a crumpled up $50" And he said "yes" So she reached into her pocket pulled it out and gave it to him. Then she said "do you want to see a crumpled up $100" And he said "yes" So she reached into her pocket pulled it out and gave it to him. Then she said " Do you want to see a crumpled up $50,000 and he said "yes" So she said go look for your car in the garage then. 


A classic . . . 

The year is 2222 and Mike and Maureen land on Mars after accumulating enough frequent flier miles. They meet a Martian couple and are talking about all sorts of things. Mike asks if Mars has a stockmarket, if they have laptop computers, how they make money, etc. Finally, Maureen brings up the subject of sex. "Just how do you guys do it?" asks Maureen. "Pretty much the way you do,"responds the Martian. Discussion ensues and finally the couples decide to swap partners for the night and experience one another. 

Maureen and the male Martian go off to a bedroom where the Martian strips. He's got only a teeny, weeny member about half an inch long and just a quarter inch thick. I don't think this is going to work," says Maureen. "Why?" he asks, "What's the matter?" "Well," she replies, "It's just not long enough to reach me!" "No problem," he says, and proceeds to slap his forehead with his palm. With each slap of his forehead, his member grows until it's quite impressively long. "Well," she says, "That's quite impressive, but it's still pretty narrow...." "No problem," he says, and starts pulling his ears. With each pull, his member grows wider and wider until the entire measurement is extremely exciting to the woman. "Wow!" she exclaims, as they fell into bed and made mad, passionate love. 

The next day the couples rejoin their normal partners and go their separate ways. As they walk along, Mike asks "Well, was it any good?" "I hate to say it," says Maureen, "but it was pretty wonderful. How about you?" "It was horrible," he replies, “All I got was a headache. All she kept doing the whole time was slapping my forehead and pulling my ears." 


Supposedly a true story . . .

This letter was sent to the Lions Bay School Principal's office after the school had sponsored a luncheon for seniors. An elderly lady received a new radio at the lunch as a door prize and was writing to say thank you. This story is a credit to all humankind. 

Dear Lions Bay School, 

God bless you for the beautiful radio I won at your recent Senior Citizens luncheon. I am 84 years old and live at the West Vancouver Home for the Aged. All of my family has passed away. I am all alone and I want to thank you for the kindness shown to a forgotten old lady. My roommate is 95 and has always had her own radio; but before I received one, she would never let me listen to hers, even when she was napping. 

The other day her radio fell off the nightstand and broke into a lot of pieces. It was awful and she was in tears. She asked if she could listen to mine, and I told her to fuck off. 

Thank you for that opportunity. 



A guy starts a new job, and the boss says, "If you marry my daughter, I'll make you a partner, give you an expense account, a Mercedes, and a million dollar annual salary." The guy says, "What's wrong with her?" The boss shows him a picture, and she's hideous. The boss says, "It's only fair to tell you, she's not only ugly, she's as dumb as a wall." The guy says, "I don't care what you offer me, it ain't worth it." The boss says, "I'll give you a five million dollar salary and build you a mansion on Long Island." The guy accepts, figuring he can put a bag over her head when they have sex. About a year later, the guy buys an original Van Gogh and he's about to hang it on the wall. He climbs a ladder and yells to his wife, "Bring me a hammer." She mumbles, "Get the hammer. Get the hammer," and she fetches the hammer. The guy says, "Get me some nails." She mumbles, "Get the nails. Get the nails," and she gets him some nails. The guys starts hammering a nail into the wall, he hits his thumb, and he yells, "Fuck!" She mumbles, "Get the bag. Get the bag." 

Corn Corner: 


A man goes to a fancy dress party giving his girlfriend a piggyback. The doorman says "What have you come as?” The man replies "A Ninja turtle.” The doorman says "Who is she?” The man replies "That's Michelle.” 


Two bees buzz around what's left of a rose bush. "How was your summer?" asks bee number one. "Not too good," says bee two. "Lotta rain, lotta cold. Not enough flowers, not enough pollen." 

The first bee has an idea. "Hey, why don't you go down the corner and hang a left? There's a bar mitzvah going on. Plenty of flowers and fruit." Bee two buzzes, "Thanks!" and takes off. An hour later, the bees bump into each other again. "How was the bar mitzvah?" asks the info-bee. "Great!" says buddy-bee. 

The first bee peers at his pal and wonders, "What's that on your head?" "A yarmulke," is the answer. "I didn't want them to think I was a wasp." 


An old Jewish man was once on the subway and he sat down next to a younger man. He noticed that the young man had a strange kind of shirt collar. Having never seen a priest before, he asked the man,"Excuse me sir, but why do you have your shirt collar on backwards?" The priest became a bit flustered but politely answered "I wear this collar because I am a Father". The Jewish man thought a second and responded " Sir I am also a Father but I wear my collar front-ways. Why do you wear your collar so differently?" The priest thought for a minute and said "Sir, I am the father for many". The Jewish man quickly answered " I to am the father of many. I have four sons, four daughters and too many grandchildren to count. But I wear my collar like everyone else does. Why do you wear it your way?" The priest who was beginning to get exasperated thought and then blurted out "Sir, I am the father for hundreds and hundreds of people." The Jewish man was taken aback and was silent for a long time. As he got up to leave the subway train, he leaned over to the priest and said "Mister, maybe you should wear your pants backwards."



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