Friday, August 10, 2018

Funny Friday


Welcome to another Funny Friday, readers.  Today a mixed bag of smiles, chuckles, laughs, some guffaws, a few side splitters and a decent amount of groans to set you up for the weekend.  Enjoy. 

An old farmer had a wife who nagged him unmercifully. From morning till night (and sometimes later), she was always complaining about something. The only time he got any relief was when he was out plowing with his old mule. He tried to plow a lot.

One day, when he was out plowing, his wife brought him lunch in the field.

He drove the old mule into the shade, sat down on a stump, and began to eat his lunch. Immediately, his wife began haranguing him again. Complain, nag, nag; it just went on and on.

All of a sudden, the old mule lashed out with both hind feet; caught her smack in the back of the head. Killed her dead on the spot.

At the funeral several days later, the minister noticed something rather odd. When a woman mourner would approach the old farmer, he would listen for a minute, then nod his head in agreement; but when a man mourner approached him, he would listen for a minute, then shake his head in disagreement. This was so consistent, the minister decided to ask the old farmer about it.

So after the funeral, the minister spoke to the old farmer, and asked him why he nodded his head and agreed with the women, but always shook his head and disagreed with all the men.

The old farmer said: “Well, the women would come up and say something about how nice my wife looked, or how pretty her dress was, so I’d nod my head in agreement.”

“And what about the men?” the minister asked.

“They wanted to know if the mule was for sale.

(FAST is an acronym used as a mnemonic to help detect and enhance responsiveness to the needs of a person having a stroke. The acronym stands for Facial drooping, Arm weakness, Speech difficulties and Time to call emergency services.)

My Nan died from a stroke when I didn't act FAST.

F – Face. Has their face fallen on one side? Can they smile?

A – Arms. Can they raise both arms and keep them there?

S – Speech. Is their speech slurred?

T - I couldn't remember this one, so I made her some tea and toast.

Sod's law:
Anything that can go wrong, will go wrong.

Moore's law:
The complexity of integrated circuits doubles every 24 months.

Campbell's law:
The more any quantitative social indicator is used for social decision making, the more subject it will be to corruption pressures and the more apt it will be to distort and corrupt the social processes it is intended to monitor.

Cole's law:
A salad dish of shredded raw cabbage, carrots, and other vegetables mixed with mayonnaise.

Moshe Goldstein was showing off. He told his friend, "I bought a hearing aid yesterday. It cost me two thousand bucks, but it is state of the art."
"What kind is it?" his friend asked.
"A quarter to twelve," Moshe replied.

New Delhi, India -
Leaders the new Hinjew religion today conceded the merger of Hinduism and Judaism has not worked out as planned, as instead of forming a super-religion to fight off the common Islamic enemy, they have instead created a race of 900 million people who, no matter how many times they are reincarnated, can never please their mothers.

Still on Jewish humour:

Golda's son Jerry sent some caviar and champagne to his mother for her birthday. 
When he asked how she liked them, she replied, "The ginger ale was really delicious but the huckleberries tasted like herring."

A woman went to the Post Office to buy stamps for her Christmas cards.  “What denomination?” asked the clerk.  “Oh, good Heavens!  Have we come to this?” said the woman.  “Well, give me 50 Baptist and 50 Catholic.”

I’ve just been to Bunnings and I bought one of them doorbell camera things....the assistant said are you going to put that up yourself.....No, I replied, I'm going to use it for home security, not a colonoscopy!!!!

Corn Corner:

I just entered a spelling contest. Wish me lucke.

My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We'll see about that.

A club director overheard a couple of members saying that they wouldn’t feel safe on an aircraft if they knew the pilot was a woman.
“What a pair of sexists,” he thought. “It’s not as if she’d have to reverse the thing!”

I have just returned from the funeral of a mate who had died after being hit on the head with a tennis ball.
It was a lovely service.

Due to the recent relaxation of laws in Saudi Arabia, a new chain of fast food restaurants are opening up which are run solely by women.

It's called Burqa King.

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