Friday, April 3, 2020

Funny Friday


As the pandemic continues to worsen and the restrictions become more pronounced, it seems long ago that we could arrange to meet friends at a restaurant, go for a walk, to see clients or go to the supermarket to buy toilet paper.

The theme for Funny Friday today is isolation.

Stay well, Byters.



One day a man, who had been stranded on a desert island for over ten years sees an unusual speck on the horizon.  "It's certainly not a ship", he thinks to himself.  As the speck gets closer and closer he begins to rule out the possibilities of a small boat, then even a raft.

Suddenly, emerging from the surf, comes a drop dead gorgeous blonde woman wearing a wet suit and scuba gear.  She approaches the stunned guy and says: "Tell me, how long has it been since you've had a cigarette?"  "Ten years," replies the stunned man.  With that she reaches over and unzips a waterproof pocket on her left sleeve and pulls out a pack of cigarettes.  He takes one, lights it, takes a long drag and says: "Man, oh man! Is that good!"

"And how long has it been since you've had a sip of bourbon?" she asks him.  Trembling the castaway replies: "Ten years."  She reaches over, unzips her right sleeve, pulls out a flask and hands it to him.  He opens the flask, takes a long swig and says: "WOW, that's absolutely fantastic!"

At this point she starts slowly unzipping the long zipper that runs down the front of her wet suit, looks at the man seductively, and asks: "And how long has it been since you've had some real fun?"

With tears in his eyes, the guy falls to his knees and sobs: "Oh good Lord! Don't tell me you've got a laptop?"


There is a beautiful desert island in the middle of nowhere where the following people are stranded:
2 Italian men and 1 Italian woman
2 French men and 1 French woman
2 German men and 1 German woman
2 Greek men and 1 Greek woman
2 English men and 1 English woman

One month later on this beautiful desert island in the middle of nowhere...
The first Italian man killed the other for the Italian woman.
The 2 French men and the French woman are living happily together in a "menage a trois".
The 2 German men have a strict weekly schedule of when they alternate with the German woman.
The 2 Greek men are sleeping with each other and the Greek woman is cleaning and cooking for them.
The 2 English men are waiting for someone to introduce them to the English woman.


If I had a nickel every time I was confused
I’d be like, where the fuck do all these nickels keep coming from?


A Pacific cruise was battered by storms for days, the ship’s radio was wrecked, as was its geopositioning equipment.  When the ship sank there were only 2 survivors, Jack and Elle McPherson.  Shipwrecked.  On a South Pacific island with no one knowing they were there. 

After three weeks Elle said to Jack “How come you haven’t tried it on, Jack?”  “I’m shy,” he replied, “and you’re famous . . .”  “What’s there to be shy about? We’re two people alone on a tropical island and no one knows we’re here.  Let’s get it on.”

After another three weeks Elle tells him “Jack, I have to tell you, you’re the best lover I’ve ever had.  Whatever you want, just tell me.”

“Well  . . .” he starts, then pauses.

“Tell me, Jack.  It’s like I said before, there’s nothing to be shy about here.”

“In that case,” he says, “could you put on these men’s clothes, hat and moustache?”

Mystified, she does what he asks.  He then asks her to wait at a nearby tree,

While she’s waiting, Jack comes up, puts a hand on “his” shoulder and says “Mate, you’re not gonna believe this . . . “


Alabama changed the drinking age to 34
They wanted to keep alcohol out of the high schools



From a passenger ship one can see a bearded man on a small island who is shouting and desperately waving is hands.

"Who is it?" a passenger asks the captain.

"I've no idea. Every year when we pass, he goes mad."



By moi . . .

Staying home and watching TV,
No whingeing, just letting it be,
Endure twenty twenty,
In Rookwood there’s plenty
Would gladly swap places with me.

For the benefit of non-local readers, Rookwood Cemetery (located 17 km west of the Sydney CBD) is the largest cemetery in the Southern hemisphere.




A man is staying in a hotel.
He walks up to the front desk and says, “Sorry, I forgot what room I’m in, can you help me?”
The receptionist replies, “No problem, sir. This is the lobby.”


If a group of dolphins is called a pod and a group of crows is called a murder, what is a group of small children called?


What is a thousand times better than instagram?


A sheep dog tells her owner she found all fifty sheep. Her owner says that there should only be 46
The dog says, “I rounded them up.”


I went outside and wondered why it was so dark and then it dawned on me


My wife is fed up of my constant Dad jokes, so I asked her, "How can I stop my addiction?"
Wife: "Whatever means necessary."
Me: "No, it doesn't.”


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