Thursday, April 16, 2020

Neighbour Notes

I was tempted to make this the Quote for the Day but decided to reprint it in full as an item on its own. It’s from 2018 but I came across it recently. Nontheless it is still worth posting. 

Caution: risqué content (don’t let the fact that it is from a site called KidSpot fool you).

October 18, 2018 

When Ellen rushed home between swimming lessons and the supermarket, the flash of white on the letterbox caught her eye. She scanned their quiet Victorian street - confused who could have left the mystery note. As she got closer and saw it was “a handwritten note addressed to ‘The Occupants’.” 

This was when the s**t really hit the fan. 

“Could you please tidy up your property. It looks a mess,” the mum-of-two read from the hastily scribbled note, her blood pressure spiking by the second. “I was SO angry when I read it,” Ellen tells Kidspot. 

She immediately rushed inside, shoving the note into her husband’s hands, a genius plan for revenge already forming in her mind. “I started looking for textas and a piece of paper to write a note back,” she says. “The textas wouldn’t bloody work, so I grabbed my laptop and quickly typed up my reply and printed it out.” 

The mum says she decided to write back straight away - the words appearing in her mind almost instantaneously. But halfway through writing, she realised she needed to “tone it down a little.” “I wanted to use a LOT more swear words and call them more than gutless,” she explains. In an impressive show of restraint, Ellen hilariously let the guilty party know, “you can’t judge what goes on in other people’s houses from the outside." And then there was the perfect sign off: "Alternatively, you can F**K OFF" 

In the last couple of years, Ellen’s husband broke his foot which required a full ankle reconstruction, which ended up being booked six days before Ellen’s C-section. Now, of course, the “baby doesn’t bloody sleep” and the entire family exists in a sleep-deprived haze. “So the gardening has fallen by the wayside,” Ellen says. 

They’ve yet to hear from the concerned neighbour but Ellen thinks that’s probably for the best because “if they had spoken to me just after I got the letter, they probably would’ve copped a mouthful.” We have an inkling it might’ve come from one of the two older couples in the street,” she says. 

“I guess our slightly overgrown grass, yuccas and the weeds popping up in our nature strip were too much for them to bear any longer. “The front yard was next on our to-do list, but it might have to wait a few extra days now."

Our New Neighbors Are Bigots. Since Regular Aggression Leads To Assault Charges, I Went With Passive-Aggression. 10,000 Lights Later . . .

The HOA In My Friend’s Neighborhood Recently Threatened Her Neighbors With A Fine If They Didn’t Hide Their Trash Cans, Even Though They’ve Been In The Same Spot For Over A Decade. This Is Their Solution . . .

My Sister And Her Husband Live In A Small Town, They Came Home To This Note On Their Door . . . 

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