Thursday, June 29, 2023


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Hello Byters.

A mixed bag of humour toay with some horse jokes thrown in, only because I happened to think of horses as I was preparing this.

As always, enjoy.

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I was at the bar the other night and overheard three very hefty women talking at the bar. Their accent appeared to be Scottish, so I approached and asked, "Hello, are you three lassies from Scotland?" One of them angrily screeched, "It's Wales, Wales you bloody idiot!" So I apologised and replied, "I am so sorry. Are you three whales from Scotland?"

And that's the last thing I remember.

A man goes down to a ranch to look at a horse

The rancher brings out a beautiful mare.

"Can I see her teeth?" The man asks nicely.

"Sure thing!" Says the rancher and opens her lips to show off her perfect teeth.

"Bautiful! Can I see her tail and hooves?" The man asks.

"By all means, partner!" Replied the rancher and turns her around to show her expertly manicured back left hoof and braided tail.

"Lovely!" The man exclaimed "Now, can I see her twat?"

"WHAT?!" Asked the rancher sharply.

"Her twat, sir." The man said again "Can I see her twat?"

The rancher gets furious, grabs the man by the neck, lifts the horses tail, shoves the man's face into the mare's rear and shouts "Get a good look pervert!"

"I dont know why you did that!" Huffed the man exasperated, "All I weawy wanted was to see her wun!"

The teacher asks "Johnny “If your father gave you two dollars, and then you asked for ten more dollars, how much money would you have altogether?"

"No dollars,” says Johnny.

"I'm afraid you don't know math," says the teacher.

"I'm afraid you don't know my father," said Johnny.

An 80 year old lady was marrying for the 4th time.

A newspaper asked if she wouldn't mind talking about her first 3 husbands and what they did for a living.

She smiled and said, "My first husband was a banker, then I married a circus ringmaster, next was a preacher and now in my 80's, a funeral director."

When asked why the 4 men had such diverse careers, she explained, "I married one for the money, 2 for the show, 3 to get ready and 4 to go."

A policeman pulls a farmer over for speeding and proceeds to write him a ticket.

The farmer notices some flies buzzing around annoying the officer. The policeman is shooing flies more than he's writing.

The farmer says "I see you're being bothered by those circle flies."

The policeman says, "If that's what you call them, yes, they are somewhat annoying."

The farmer says, "Yeah, we call them that because we see them circling around the rear ends of horses."

The policeman says, "Hmmm. Did you just call me a horse's ass?"

The farmer says, "Oh, no sir, officer. I have way too much respect for those who serve in law enforcement to ever say such a thing."

The policeman says, "Well, that's a good thing, then."

The farmer adds, "But it's hard to fool those circle flies."

My wife said, “I’m backing the car in the garage. Would you let me know when I hit the wall?”

Me: Sure.


Me: It’s 4 35 pm.

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Cop on horse says to little girl on bike, "Did Santa get you that?"

"Yes," replies the little girl. "Well tell him to put a reflector light on it next year!" and fines her $5.

The little girl looks up at the cop and says, "Nice horse you've got there, did Santa bring you that?"

The cop chuckles and replies, "He sure did!" "Well," says the little girl, "Next year tell Santa that the dick goes under the horse, not on top of it!"

What’s got 4 legs, a tail and a prick halfway down its back?
A police horse.)

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They’ve buried a salesman named Phipps.
He married, on one of his trips,
A widow named Block –
Then died of the shock
When he found there were five little chips.

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How many optometrists does it take to change a light bulb?

One...or two...?

One...or two...?

I named my horse Mayo.

Sometimes, Mayo neighs

A white horse walks into a bar.

The bartender says, "Hey, we've got a cocktail named after you!".

"What?", says the horse, "Steve?"

(A variation on the Grasshopper joke).

My wife said that she would take the kids and leave me if I didn't stop betting on horse racing.

"And they are Offffff!!!!!!!!"

In the Old West, cowboys travelling home in the dark used to tie a lantern to their horse's saddle to help them find their way.

It was an early form of saddle-light navigation.

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