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Hello, Byters.
Something different in today’s LAUGH.
People may recall the Blues Brothers in the movie of that name playing behind chicken wire at Bob’s Country Bunker. Jake introduces the next song, after Rawhide, with the words “Now we’d like to do a favourite of the horns section, we hope it’s one of yours.” The band then begins playing ‘Stand By Your Man.’ See the clip by clicking on:
An absolute sidesplitter about C & W fans. It typifies Bob Newhart’s comment - I don't like country music, but I don't mean to denigrate those who do. And for the people who like country music, denigrate means 'put down'. Similarly: What has 300 legs and seven teeth? The front row at a Willie Nelson concert.
That’s all by way of intro. Let me paraphrase Jake Blues about todays humour: “Now I’d like to do some favourites of mine, I hope they’re some of yours.”
I call this Funny Favourites.
Because they’re my favourites, they have been posted previously, some more than once, but hopefully they will raise some smiles.
A warning, there is some risque content ahead.
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A rope walked into a bar and the bartender yelled, "Hey! We don't serve ropes in here! Get out!" So the rope went outside, did a few contortions, pulled apart both his ends and sauntered back into the bar. "Hey!" sez the bartender, "Ain't you that rope I just threw out of here?" And the rope sez, "Nope, I'm a frayed knot."
That has become my standard response for when someone asks me whether I’m ready, done etc - "No, I'm a frayed knot."
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Paddy was about to go on a trip to England. The day before he left, he asked his next-door neighbour, Mrs. Dunne, if she wanted anything from England.
"Yes," she said. "Could you please find my son, Neely. He's been gone 10 years and has not written me, ever! I write to him but he never replies.”
“To be sure, I will,” says Paddy. “What’s his address?”
On the back of a handy envelope she scribbled:
London England WC1
The next day Paddy’s plane landed at Heathrow. After exiting Customs, he saw a sign on a door saying 'WC'. He entered and saw another line of doors, so he knocked on the first.
A voice said “Yes?”
Paddy replied: "Are you Neely Dunne?"
"Yes, but I’ve run out of paper," came the reply.
"Well, that's no excuse not to write your mother!"
Another one that’s become my response when someone asks whether I’m done or nearly done - "Yes but I've run out of paper."
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And still another that’s become a standard response, not just by me but also in the office and at home, when someone asks ‘Where’s your bin?”
The garbage men are making their weekly round and they notice that one house has not put the rubbish bin outside. One of the garbos rings the bell of the house, and hears, from inside, some hurried steps towards the door.
The door opens and a Japanese man steps out with a towel wrapped around his waist. The garbo asks politely: 'Sorry to bother you, mate, but where's ya bin?"
The Japanese gentlemen looks puzzled and responds: "I bin in bed.”
The garbo says "Maybe you don't understand, mate, I mean where's ya BIN?"
The Japanese man looks flustered and says: "I awreddy tell you! I bin in bed!!!!"
The garbo realises there is a mistake and says: "Nah, mate, I mean where's ya WHEELIE bin?"
The Japanese man looks down at his shoes and says in quiet voice: "OK, OK, I tell you truth. I bin in bed having sex with wife’s sister.”
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At about 3.00am I was drunk as a skunk. I came home just in time to hear the cuckoo clock cuckoo three times. Quickly coming up with a plan, I cuckooed nine more times, hoping my wife would think it was midnight. I was very proud of myself.
The next day, my wife asked what time I got home, and I replied, "Midnight, just like I said."
She said that was good and, for some reason, she said we needed a new cuckoo clock.
When I asked why, she answered, "Last night when it cuckooed midnight, it cuckooed three times, said 'Crap!,' cuckooed four more times, farted, cuckooed three times, cleared its throat, cuckooed two more times and then started giggling."
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Paddy had long heard the stories of an amazing family tradition...
It seems that his father, grandfather and great-grandfather had all been able to walk on water on their 18th birthday.
On that special day, they'd each walked across the lake to the pub on the far side for their first legal drink.
So when Paddy's 18th birthday came 'round, he and his pal Mick, took a boat out to the middle of the lake, Paddy, stepped out of the boat ... and nearly drowned! Mick just barely managed to pull him to safety. Furious and confused, Paddy went to see his grandmother.
"Grandma," he asked, "It's my 18th birthday, so why can't I walk 'cross the lake like my father, his father, and his father before him?"
Granny looked deeply into Paddy's, troubled brown eyes and said, "Because you were born in August, but your father, your grandfather and your great grandfather were all born in December, when the lake is frozen, you fuckin' idiot."
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Favourite limerick:
Ethnologists up with the Sioux
Wired “Send two punts, one canoe.”
The answer next day
Said “Girls on the way,
But what the hell’s a panoe?”
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Let me know if you enjoy Funny Favourites, if so I will post more.
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