Friday, April 5, 2013

Funny Friday

Cheer up dude, it's time for Funny Friday. . .

The following joke came up in discussions last Wednesday night with Wayne, a member of our trivia team and a subscriber to Bytes. I said that I would post it in Funny Friday for him. . . 

A businessman flew to Vegas for the weekend to gamble. He lost the shirt off his back, and had nothing left but a quarter and the second half of his round-trip ticket -- If he could just get to the airport he could get himself home. 

So he went out to the front of the casino where there was a cab waiting. He got in and explained his situation to the cabbie. He promised to send the driver money from home, he offered him his credit card numbers, his drivers licence number, his address, etc. but to no avail. 

The cabbie said, "If you don't have fifteen dollars, get the hell out of my cab!" So the businessman was forced to hitch-hike to the airport and was barely in time to catch his flight. 

One year later the businessman, having worked long and hard to regain his financial success, returned to Vegas and this time he won big. Feeling pretty good about himself, he went out to the front of the casino to get a cab ride back to the airport. Well who should he see out there, at the end of a long line of cabs, but his old buddy who had refused to give him a ride when he was down on his luck. The businessman thought for a moment about how he could make the guy pay for his lack of charity, and he hit on a plan. 

The businessman got in the first cab in the line, "How much for a ride to the airport," he asked? "Fifteen bucks," came the reply. "And how much for you to give me oral sex on the way?" 

"What?!!! Get the hell out of my cab." 

The businessman got into the back of each cab in the long line and asked the same questions, with the same result. When he got to his old friend at the back of the line, he got in and asked "How much for a ride to the airport?" The cabbie replied "fifteen bucks." 

The businessman said "OK" and off they went. 

Then, as they drove slowly past the long line of cabs the businessman gave a big smile and thumbs up sign to each driver. 

Rowan Atkinson has the ability to make monologues fascinating and very funny. Last week I posted the one about the minister addressing the congregation about the miracles of Jesus. Here is another very funny one entitled Drunk English in Indian Restaurant. It can be viewed by clicking on the following link: 

Indian waiter: 

Good evening, gentlemen. No, no, no. That’s no problem. Come in, please. Although, shh shh, although, perhaps if we could keep that delightful singing down a little bit. Oh dear! Obviously plenty of refreshment at the football game. No, no. Come in, do. No, no. That table is reserved. And, it is also a table for two people. Perhaps, perhaps this table might be more suitable for… nine. 

If you’d like to step this way, gentlemen, please. Ah! Dear, let me help you up, sir. No, no, it is a tricky bit of floor, that. Er, deceptively flat. 

If you would like to take a seat. Er, yes, or perhaps….. on the chair.

There we are. Right, now, what would anybody…? Quiet! Quiet, quiet, gentlemen, please. What would anybody like to drink? Nine pints of lager. Er? Eighteen pints of lager. Eighteen pints of lager! 

Now, if you’d just like to take a menu. Just pass those round. There…. and one for you, sir. Oh dear, there we go! Straight onto the floor. Here, let me pick it up for you. Oh, and again. I’ll tell you what. Try and grip it, sir, on either side, between the thumb and the four fingers. If you grip, it won’t always fall on the floor. I’ll tell you what. Why don’t we just put it on the table? Here, let me rest it against your friend’s… head. 

There we are! There, that should be fine. Right, now what would anybody like to eat? Erm, oh, it is a lamb dish, sir. Yes, marinated lamb in coconut, with a cream sauce. Very nice. No, not "fucking hot", sir. It is a… how can I put it? It is a medium spiced dish. Oh, well in that case, no, in that case you want the Bombay duck. No, no, duck, duck, duck. Oh, I see, it was your little joke. Very funny. Well done, well done everybody on that one. That was very good. 

No, it is the sheekh kebab that is like two little… turds. The shami kebab is a sort of a mince and onion rissole. A bit like cow-dung, sir. Yes, but in smaller portions, in fact. 

Ah, Raji, thank you. If you’d like to put the drinks down. 

Well, can we move your friend? Yes, perhaps if we just roll him. Perhaps if we just roll him out of his cutlery…. and into the mango chutney. Don’t worry, he’ll be fine there. 

Thank you, Raji. 

Now, would anybody like any raita? That’s a kind of a yoghurt dip, sort of onion and cucumber. Yes, look, I think we’d better wake up your friend here. Well, no he’s not just having a little nap. He’s having a little nap face down in a pitcher of beer. He’s going to drown. Well… Oh dear! No, no, don’t worry, sir. Much better out than in. Don’t you worry about it. Don’t you worry about a thing. That just leaves all the more room for your… chicken curry, thank you very much. 

Do you know what your friend here might like to eat? 

Hello? What would you like to eat? A hot dog. Okay, I’ll see what I can do. So let me just go back on this, please. We want a cucumber raita, an onion raita, a paperback raita, but I’m presuming that’s a joke. Four meat curry, one Bombay duck, four rice, four sharmi kebab, and a hot dog. And anything else for starters? Just some poppadoms and salad and yoghurt and shit. 

Okay, I’ll see what I can do. Although I’m not sure you’ll be needing that last item, as you all seem quite full enough of shit already! Raji ! 

The Limerick Spot:

There was an old man
From Peru, whose lim'ricks all
Look'd like haiku. He

Said with a laugh "I
Cut them in half, the pay is
Much better for two."

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