Friday, November 7, 2014

Funny Friday

Some miscellaneous items (the first a repeat but still funny) and a collection of Arnie humour for this week's Funny Friday.  Enjoy, I'll be back.

Some risque language, by the way . . .

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A Drug Enforcement Administration (DEA) officer stops at a ranch in Texas, and talks with an old rancher. He tells the rancher, "I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown drugs." The rancher says, "Okay, but don't go in that field over there," as he points out the location. 

The DEA officer verbally explodes saying, "Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me." Reaching into his rear pants pocket, he removes his badge and proudly displays it to the rancher. "See this badge? This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish.... on ANY land. No questions asked or answers given. Have I made myself clear? Do you understand? " 

The rancher nods politely, apologises, and goes about his chores. 

A short time later, the old rancher hears loud screams and sees the DEA officer running for his life chased by the rancher's big Santa Gertrudis bull. With every step the bull is gaining ground on the officer, and it seems likely that he'll get gored before he reaches safety. The officer is clearly terrified. The rancher throws down his tools, runs to the fence and yells at the top of his lungs... "Your badge... show him your BADGE!"

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I broke down on the moors on a stormy night.

I braved the storm to reach a farmhouse, to seek refuge for the night.

When I asked the farmer if he could accommodate me, he said, "I only have four bedrooms, I use one and the other three are occupied by my three gay sons. You will have to share!"

I thought, "Shit, I'm in the wrong fucking joke".

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Arnold Schwarzenegger was asked if he wanted to upgrade to Windows 7.

He replied, "I still love Vista, baby".

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I went into a library dressed as a German classical composer and asked for a book on Austrian actors.

The librarian said, "Aisle B, Bach."

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Unfortunately, Arnold Schwarzenegger could never be president of America because he is not American.

Well... We all know what happened last time an Austrian took over a foreign country...

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Arnold Schwarzenegger was upset that his mum never got him any Easter eggs.

She said, "I thought that you didn't like Easter anymore!" 

Arnie replied, "I still love Easter baby!"

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So Arnie has confirmed he's in Terminator 5.

"I'll be back!" will be replaced with "Ow my back!"

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I challenged Arnold Schwarzenegger to a game of chess the other day, I said "Arnie which colour do you want to be?" He replied "I'll be black."

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Last night I saw a preview of Arnold Schwarzenegger's new low budget film where he goes on a rampage killing all Indian men in sight.

It's called 'The Turbanhater'

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When Arnold Schwarzenegger dies, will he be an ex-terminator?

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Arnold Schwarzenegger had just run the New York marathon. He was lying on his couch and his feet were killing him.

"Is there anything I can do for you Arnie?" asked his wife.

"Ya" replied Arnie. "Plasta ma blista baby"

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I just saw Arnold Schwarzenegger on the train eating a sandwich that stunk the whole carriage out.

"Fucking hell!" I said, "What have you got in there? A tuna sandwich?"

He was adamant that it was not.

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Film producers wanted to make a movie about classical music composers starring Leonardo Dicaprio, Hugh Grant and Arnold Schwarzenegger. They ask Leonardo who he wants to be and he answers "I want to be Beethoven because I've always liked him". Next they ask Hugh and he says "I want to be Mozart because I've always liked him" lastly they ask Arnold and he says "I'll be Bach!"

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Corn Corner:

Arnold Schwarzenegger has developed a condition which means that his nose is always cold.

Close friends are now calling him Chilly Konk Arnie.

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