Friday, December 19, 2014

Funny Friday

Risque content below.

Today's theme: drivers and driving.  

Some of the items below have been posted in Bytes before but they are either classics or too good not to include again.

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Johnny and his father were driving one afternoon, when his father accidentally honked the car horn by mistake.

Johnny looked at his dad, hoping to get an explanation.

His dad said, "I did that by accident."

Johnny replied, "I know you did, Dad."

He replied, "Yeah, how'd you know?"

"Because you didn't yell 'ARSEHOLE!' afterwards!" Johnny replied.

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As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang. 

Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, "Herman, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on 280. Please be careful!"

"Hell," said Herman, "It's not just one car. It's hundreds of them!"

* * * * * * * *
Daniel was in no shape to drive so he sensibly left his van in the car park and walked home.

As he was wobbling along, he was stopped by a policeman.

What are you doing out here at four o'clock in the morning?" asked the police officer.

"I'm on my way to a lecture," answered Daniel. 

"And who on Earth, in their right mind, is going to give a lecture at this time of the night?” enquired the constable sarcastically. 

"My wife," slurred Daniel grimly.

* * * * * * * *

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A penguin is driving around town when all of a sudden his car begins to splutter and die out. He drives into the nearest service station and tells the mechanic there about the hassles he's having. The mechanic gives his car a quick once over, and says to him "This should take about half an hour - come back and pick it up then".

The penguin decides to grab himself an ice cream while he is waiting. He buys the biggest, creamiest vanilla ice cream money can buy, and lacking an opposable thumb, pushes his face into it to eat it. Ice cream goes everywhere - all over the floor, all over the counter, all over his face. He takes a quick look at his watch and realises he's late, so forgoing the clean up, he races back to the mechanic.

When he gets there, the mechanic looks at him and says "It looks like you've blown a seal."

"No, no," the penguin replies, "It's just ice cream."

* * * * * * * *
A man is in Dublin on business and takes a taxi from the airport to his hotel in the city centre.

As they come out of the airport, the taxi driver shoots through a red light. 

"Driver, you could have killed us, you jumped that red light!" shouts the passenger.

"It’s alright, my brother does that all the time" says the cabbie.

A mile down the road and the taxi driver shoots through another red light.

"Driver, that was another red light!" screams the man.

"Ah to be sure, ‘tis nothing at all, my brother does it all the time."

They get to the next traffic light. Its green, the taxi driver stops and looks carefully left, right, left, right . . .

" Driver, its a green light ! Why the hell have you stopped? Go! Go!" says the man.

"No way,” says the taxi driver, still checking to his left and right, “my brother drives around here.”

* * * * * * * *
A friend meets up with her friend as she is picking her car up from the mechanic.

Her friend asks, "Everything ok with your car now?"

The blonde replies, "Yes, thank goodness. I was worried that my mechanic might try to rip me off, so I was relieved when he told me all I needed was blinker fluid."

* * * * * * * *
I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather. 

Not screaming and yelling like his passengers.

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A young bloke has started work on a property, and the boss sends him up the back paddocks to do some fencing work, but come evening he's half an hour late. The boss gets on the CB radio to check if he's all right.

"I've got a problem, boss. I'm stuck 'ere. I've hit a pig!"

"Ah well, these things happen sometimes," the boss says.

"Just drag the carcass off the road so nobody else hits it in the dark."

"But he's not dead, boss. He's gotten tangled up on the bull bar, and I've tried to untangle him, but he's kicking and squealing, and he's real big boss. I'm afraid he's gonna hurt me!"

"Never mind," says the boss. "There's a .303 under the tarp in the back. Get that out and shoot him. Then drag the carcass off the road and come on home."

"Okay, boss."

Another half an hour goes by, but there's still not a peep from the young fella. The boss gets back on the CB. "What's the problem, son?"

"Well, I did what you said boss, but I'm still stuck."

"What's up? Did you drag the pig off the road like I said?"

"Yeah boss, but his motorcycle is still jammed under the truck."

* * * * * * * *

Corn corner:

Two cab drivers met. "Hey," asked one, "why did you paint one side of your cab red and the other side blue?"

"Well," the other responded, "when I get into an accident, you should see how all the witnesses contradict each other."

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