Thursday, May 31, 2018

Funny Friday


Friday is here, the entry to the weekend, and here are some jokes to get you in the mood. If you plan on going to church, there are some Jesus jokes included below. If you’re not planning on going, then maybe you should if you laughed. 


Three blondes died and are at the Pearly Gates of Heaven. St. Peter tells them that they can enter the gates if they can answer one simple question. 

St. Peter asks the first blonde, "What is Easter?" 

The blonde replies, "Oh, that's easy! It's the holiday in November when everyone gets together, eats turkey, and are thankful..." 

"Wrong!," replies St. Peter, and proceeds to ask the second blonde the same question, "What is Easter?" 

The second blonde replies, "Easter is the holiday in December when we put up a nice tree, exchange presents and celebrate the birth of Jesus." 

St. Peter looks at the second blonde, shakes his head in disgust, tells her she's wrong, and then peers over his glasses at the third blonde and asks, "What is Easter?" 

The third blonde smiles confidently and looks St. Peter in the eyes, "I know what Easter is." 

"Oh?" says St. Peter, incredulously. "Easter is the Christian holiday that coincides with the Jewish celebration of Passover. Jesus and his disciples were eating at the Last Supper and Jesus was later deceived and turned over to the Romans by one of his disciples. The Romans took him to be crucified and he was stabbed in the side, made to wear a crown of thorns and was hung on a cross with nails through his hands. He was buried in a nearby cave which was sealed off by a large boulder." 

St. Peter smiles broadly with delight. 

The third blonde continues, "Every year the boulder is moved aside so that Jesus can come out... and, if he sees his shadow, there will be six more weeks of winter. 


Jesus in a conversation: 

Jesus: What do people call the day i was crucified? 

Other person: Good Friday. We call it "Good Friday". 

Jesus: What?? Well, how do you celebrate my resurrection? 

Other person: We eat chocolate bunnies. 

Jesus: No!! Okay, then what do you do on my birthday? 

Other person: Aren't you God? WTF are you asking me for? 

Jesus: Okay, you're gonna hate me for this, but... what does "wtf" mean? 


Jesus, in Heaven, after the crucifixion: “They were horrible, Dad, I’m not going back there.” 

God (rubbing his neck): “See, the thing is . . . “ 




And a couple that aren’t Jesus jokes . . . 


An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard and a German are all standing watching an American street performer do some juggling. The juggler notices the four gentleman have a very poor view, so he stands up on a wooden crate and calls out, "Can you all see me now?" 





(Okay, I’ll explain . . . read the responses out loud. They will sound “Yes, we see ya.”)


A teacher is giving an English lesson on the word "Contagious"... 

...She asks the class for examples of when they have heard the word being used. One eager child says "Daddy says to cover my mouth when I cough because my cold is contagious". 

"Very good!" replied the teacher, "has anybody else got an example?". 

"My mummy says my laugh is contagious", said another child. 

"Great answer!", said the teacher, "How about you Paddy?" (apologies for the token Irish name). 

"Well, our neighbour is painting his fence with a toothbrush", said Paddy, "Dad says it's going to take the contagious!" 


Corn Corner:

Mary: What are you looking at? 

Sally: I know your PIN . . . hee, hee. 

Mary: Alright, what is my PIN. if you saw it? 

Sally: Four asterisks! 


I bought my friend an elephant for his room. 

He said “Thank you.” 

I said “Don’t mention it.” 


Teacher: Can anyone use the word benign in a sentence? 

Billy: I am 8 at the moment, but I'll soon benign. 


Teacher: Can anyone use the word centimetre in a sentence? 

Billy: My gramdma arrived at the railway station and I was centimetre. 


I went to the doctors with hearing problems. 

He said "Can you describe the symptoms?" 

I said "Homer’s a fat bloke and Marge has blue hair"


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