Friday, August 14, 2020

Funny Friday


I was pondering business changes over the years from when I first became a solicitor and started work in an office, the days before mobile phones, emails, facsimiles, internet . . . there was a copier in the office but it was the type where the paper went through a wet bath of some sort of solution.  Everything arrived and was sent by mail, today termed "snail mail" to distinguish it from email and other electronic mail delivery methods.  We still receive snail mail in the office but very little.  It is going the way of buggy whips and moustache wax.

So here are some items of humour about mail and its related aspects.

Stay safe, readers.

PS: some risque items ahead



A guy goes to the post office to apply for a job. The interviewer asks him, “Are you allergic to anything?”

He replies, “Yes, caffeine. I can’t drink coffee.”

“Have you ever served in the military?”

“Yes.” he says. “I was in Iraq for two years.”

The interviewer says, “That will give you five extra points towards employment.” Then he asks, “Are you disabled in any way?”

The guy says, “Yes. A bomb exploded near me and I lost both of my testicles.”

The interviewer grimaces and then says, “Okay. You are a disabled veteran; you’ve got enough points for me to hire you right now.”

“Our normal hours are from 8:00 AM to 4:00 PM. You can start tomorrow at 10:00 AM, plan on starting at 10:00 AM every day.”

The guy is puzzled and asks, “If the work hours are from 8:00 AM to 4:00 PM, why don’t you want me here until 10:00 AM?”

“This is a government job,” the interviewer says. “For the first two hours we just stand around drinking coffee and scratching our balls. No point in you coming in for that.”


A woman goes to the post office for stamps for Hanukkah cards.

She asks the cashier for stamps and the cashier replies, “What denomination?” 

The woman thinks for a moment and responds, “I’ll take six Orthodox, twelve Conservative, and thirty-two Reform, please.”


A delightful angelic little boy was waiting for his mother outside the ladies room of the gas station.

As he stood there, he was approached by a man who asked, "Sonny, can you tell me where the Post Office is?"

The little boy replied, "Sure! Just go straight down this street two blocks and turn to your right. It's on the left."

The man thanked the boy kindly, complimented him on how bright he was and said, "I'm the new pastor in town. If you and your mommy come to church on Sunday, I'll show you how to get to Heaven."

The little boy replied with a chuckle: "You're shitting me, right? You can't even find the Post Office."


Moshe walks into a post office to send a package to his wife.

The postmaster says, “This package is too heavy. You’ll need to put more stamps on it.”

Moshe replies, “And that should make it lighter?”


Whilst on Jewish humour (which I love) . . . 

A man calls his mother in Florida. “Mom, how are you?”

“Not too good,” says the mother. “I’ve been very weak.”

The son says, “Why are you so weak?”

She says, “Because I haven’t eaten in 38 days.”

“That’s terrible. Why haven’t you eaten in 38 days?”

The mother answers, “Because I didn’t want my mouth filled with food should my son finally call.”


...she said last time, we're stuck in a time loop.
Which really pisses me off, because that's what...


If I was being subjective, I would have to say that the greatest sci-fi show of all time is Dr. Who.

If I was being objective, I would say it’s Dr. Whom.


Just a reminder to be careful when telling jokes that may be offensive.

A few days ago I was talking to some friends, and friends of those friends, at a bar.

I decided to break the ice with the new friends with a few jokes, most of which went down very well...until I decided to tell a few more offensive ones...and picked the worst possible one to start with.

Here's the joke I told:

"What do you do if you see an epileptic having a fit in the bath?

Throw in your washing (laundry if you're American)."

One of the new friends instantly became enraged and swung for me. When I asked him what the hell his problem was he replied that his younger brother was epileptic and died in the bath many years ago.

Obviously I felt mortified as I didn't know about it, and said "I'm so sorry to hear that. Did he drown?"

"No," replied the guy. "He choked on a sock."



A man worked in a post office. His job was to process all mail that had illegible addresses. One day a letter came to his desk, addressed in a shaky handwriting to God. He thought, "I better open this one and see what it's all about." So he opened it and it read:

"Dear God, I am an 83 year old widow living on a very small pension. Yesterday someone stole my purse. It had a hundred dollars in it which was all the money I had until my next pension check." "Next Sunday is Easter, and I had invited two of my friends over for dinner. Without that money, I have nothing to buy food with." "I have no family to turn to, and you are my only hope. Can you please help me?"

The postal worker was touched, and went around showing the letter to all the others. Each of them dug into his wallet and came up with a few dollars. By the time he made the rounds, he had collected 96 dollars, which they put into an envelope and sent over to her. The rest of the day, all the workers felt a warm glow thinking of the nice thing they had done. Easter came and went, and a few days later came another letter from the old lady to God. All the workers gathered around while the letter was opened.

It read:

"Dear God, How can I ever thank you enough for what you did for me? Because of your generosity, I was able to fix a lovely dinner for my friends. We had a very nice day, and I told my friends of your wonderful gift. By the way, there was 4 dollars missing. I bet it was those thieving bastards at the post office."


A second one from the vault, on theme . . .

It was George the mailman’s last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighbourhood.

When he arrived at the first house on his route he was greeted by the whole family there, who roundly and soundly congratulated him and sent him on his way with an envelope.

At the second house they presented him with a box of fine cigars. The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures.

At the fourth house he was met at the door by Mrs Cohen, who took him by the hand and led him up the stairs to the bedroom where she made love to him.

Then she took him back downstairs, gave him a $5 note and sat him down to a bowl of chicken soup.

Having finished the soup, he said to her "Mrs Cohen, I know it's my last day but you made love to me, gave me $5 and now give me chicken soup."

"Well," she said, "last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day, and that we should do something special for you. I asked him what to give you.  He said, 'Fuck him. Give him five dollars,' but the soup was my idea."




I don’t know if people overseas used the term “po” in the past to refer to a chamber pot, the receptacle placed under the bed (hence also “guzunder”, a common colloquial expression in the past in Oz and I imagine in the land of the Brits) for night time toilet functions.

There was a young lady called Anna,
Who decided she'd like a pianna.
Her mother said "No",
But bought her a po,
Saying "Now you can have a pee, Anna."



Went to the postcard museum the other week. Nothing to write home about.

Local shop has a sign saying “Stamps sold by the book”. Good to know they follow the rules.

Scientists have found a way to slow down the speed of light...
They shine it through a post office.


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