Friday, May 3, 2013

Funny Friday

Some risque and some non PC content follows. Venture on at y'own risk. . .

The following item came up in a conference with a barrister last night.  I was aware of the first part of the story but counsel advised me of the additional    part, which I had not previously heard.  This one's for you, Nick . . .

George and Lenny decide to cross North America in a hot air balloon. However, neither were particularly experienced balloonists, and Lenny's mind quickly drifted from navigation to thoughts of how clouds look like cuddly little bunny rabbits. Upon realising that they were lost, George declared, "Lenny -- we are going to have to lose some altitude so we can figure out where we are." 

George lets some hot air out of the balloon, which slowly descended below the clouds, but he still couldn't tell where they were. Far below, they could see a man on the ground. George lowered the balloon, to ask the man their location. 

When they were low enough, George called down to the man, "Hey, can you tell us where we are?" The man on the ground yelled back, "Throw down $100 and I’ll tell you.” 

They tied $100 to a weight and dropped it, whereupon the man yelled “You're in a balloon, about 100 feet up in the air." 

George called down to the man, "You must be a lawyer." He yelled "How can you tell?" George answered "Because the advice you gave us cost a lot of money, is 100% accurate, and is completely useless".

The man called back up to the balloon, "You must be a client." 

George yelled back, "Why do you say that?" 

"Well," the man replied, "You don't know where you are, or where you are going. You got into your predicament through a lack of planning and could have avoided it by asking for help before you acted. You expect me to provide an instant remedy. The fact is you are in the exact same position you were in before we met, but now it is somehow my fault." 

My neighbour knocked on my door at 2:30am this morning, can you believe that, 2:30am?! Luckily for him I was still up playing my bagpipes. 

Statistically, 6 out of 7 dwarves are not Happy. 

Paddy says "Mick, I'm thinking of buying a Labrador.” "Sod that," says Mick, "Have you seen how many of their owners go blind?" 

I was explaining to my wife last night that when you die you get reincarnated but must come back as a different creature. She said "I would like to come back as a cow."  I said "You’re obviously not listening."

The wife has been missing a week now. Police said to prepare for the worst. So I have been to the charity shop to get all her clothes back. 

Local police are hunting the 'Knitting Needle Nutter’, who has stabbed six people in the village in the last 48 hours.  Police believe the attacker could be following some kind of pattern. 

Since the snow came all the wife has done is look through the window. If it gets any worse, I'll have to let her in. 

I've been charged with murder for killing a man with sandpaper. To be honest I only intended to rough him up a bit. 

After years of research, scientists have discovered what makes women happy. 

Two women called at my door and asked what bread I ate, when I said white they gave me a lecture on the benefits of brown bread for 30 minutes. 
I think they were those Hovis Witnesses. 

Seven wheelchair athletes have been banned from the Paralympics after they tested positive for WD40. 

A mummy covered in chocolate and nuts has been discovered in Egypt . 
Archaeologists believe it may be Pharaoh Rocher... 

And with tears streaming down my face I swore I'd never visit another Thai brothel!!! 

Two Indian junkies accidentally snorted curry powder instead of cocaine. 
Both in's in a korma.. The other's got a dodgy tikka! 

Sailing results are in, GB took gold, USA took silver and Somalia took a middle aged couple from Weymouth.

An Englishman has started his own business in Afghanistan ! He is making land mines that look like prayer mats! It's doing well! Prophets are going through the roof!! 

A boy asks his granny, 'Have you seen my pills, they were labelled LSD?' 
Granny replies, “Bugger the pills, have you seen the dragons in the kitchen?!” 

Limerick spot:

A rabbi from far-off Peru 
Was desperately trying to screw. 
His wife said, “Oy vey! 
If you keep on this way 
The Messiah will come before you.”

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