Friday, November 8, 2013

Funny Friday

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Australia having just gone troppo over the Melbourne Cup, "The race that stops the nation", what better theme for Funny Friday than equine. . .

(Some items are reposts but worth the retelling).

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A cowboy rode into town and pulled his horse up in front of the first saloon that he came to. He dismounted and tied the horse to the hitching rail and saw that he was being watched by a group of old-timers sitting on a bench beside the front door of the saloon. The cowboy went to the rear of the horse, lifted its tail and kissed the horse. He then turned to walk into the saloon. 

"How come you done that cowboy?" asked one old timer. 

"I've got chapped lips," replied the cowboy. 

"Does that make em' heal up faster?" asked the old timer. 

"Naw," replied the cowboy. "It stops me from lickin' em and maken' em worse." 

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I went for a job interview as a blacksmith yesterday. He said, "Have you ever shoed a horse?" 

I said, "No, but I've told a donkey to fuck off." 

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A jockey was riding the favourite at a race meeting, and was well ahead of the field.

His horse rounded the final corner, when suddenly the jockey was hit on the head by a turkey and a string of sausages.

He managed to keep control of his mount and pulled back into the lead, only to be struck by a box of Christmas crackers and a dozen mince pies as he went over the last fence.

With great skill he managed to steer the horse to the front of the field once more when, on the run in, he was struck on the head by a bottle of sherry and a Christmas pudding. Thus distracted, he succeeded in coming only second.

He immediately went to the race stewards to complain that he had been seriously hampered... 

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The other day I realised I can exactly replicate the sound of hitting two coconut shells together simply by riding a horse down a cobbled street. 

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An old Indian was asked the name of his wife. 

He replied, "Wife name, she name Three Horse." 

"That's an unusual name for your wife, Three Horse. What does it mean?" 

"Is old Indian name. It mean nag, nag, nag" 

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The Lone Ranger was ambushed and captured by an enemy Indian war party.

The Indian chief proclaims, "So, you are the great Lone Ranger. In honour of the Harvest Festival, you will be executed in three days. But, before I kill you, I will grant you three requests. What is your first request?"

The Lone Ranger responds, "I'd like to speak to my horse." 

The chief nods and Silver is brought before the Lone Ranger, who whispers in Silver's ear, and the horse gallops away.

Later that evening, Silver returns with a beautiful blonde woman on his back.

As the Indian chief watches, the blonde enters the Lone Ranger's tent and spends the night.

The next morning the Indian chief admits he's impressed. "You have very fine and loyal horse, but I will still kill you in two days. What is your second request?"

The Lone Ranger again asks to speak to his horse. Silver is brought to him, and he again whispers in the horse's ear.

As before, Silver takes off across the plains and disappears over the horizon.

Later that evening, to the chief's surprise, Silver again returns, this time with a brunette, even more attractive than the blonde.

She enters the Lone Ranger's tent and spends the night. The following morning the Indian chief is again impressed. "You are indeed a man of many talents, but I still kill you tomorrow.  What is your last request?"

The Lone Ranger responds," I'd like to speak to my horse....ALONE." 

The Chief is curious, but he agrees, and Silver is brought to the Lone Ranger's tent.

Once they're alone, the Lone Ranger grabs Silver by both ears, looks him square in the eye and says:

"Listen very carefully, you dickhead, for the last time.......... . BRING POSSE!!!!" 

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My wife and daughter are leaving because of my obsession with horse racing. 

And they're off!

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A young jockey and his stable lass girlfriend make the decision to get married. Everything is planned and the couple intend to honeymoon in Italy for a week. The marriage goes without a hitch and the couple set off on their honeymoon. 

While checking in, the lady behind the desk asks "We have two suites available for you, would you like the bridal?" 

"No thanks," says the jockey.  "I'll just hold her ears till she gets the hang of it!"

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Limerick Spot:

There once was a young poet, named Dan
Whose limericks never would scan
when told this was so,
he said "yes I know
'cause I try to put every possible syllable into the last line that I can."

Okay, another one . . .

Let's go with a classic oldie . . .

On a maiden a man once begat
Cute triplets named Nat, Tat and Pat;
'Twas fun in the breeding
But Hell in the feeding:
She hadn't a spare tit for Tat.

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