Friday, October 3, 2014

Funny Friday

"Soccer is hooligans acting like gentlemen, Rugby Union is gentlemen acting like hooligans and Rugby League is hooligans acting like hooligans."
- Sergeant Pascoe in Dalziel and Pascoe

"Some people think football is a matter of life and death. I assure you, it's much more serious than that."
- William "Bill" Shankly (1913 – 1981), Scottish footballer and manager of Liverpool Football Club

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With the Rugby League Grand Final on this Sunday, what better theme for Funny Friday than football (and yes, I know that the purists refer to only soccer as “football”).

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A seven year old boy was at the centre of a courtroom drama yesterday when he challenged a court ruling over who should have custody of him.

The boy has a history of being beaten by his parents and the judge initially awarded custody to his aunt, in keeping with the child custody law and regulations requiring that family unity be maintained to the degree possible.

The boy surprised the court when he proclaimed that his aunt beat him more than his parents and he adamantly refused to live with her. When the judge suggested that he live with his grandparents, the boy cried out that they also beat him.

After considering the remainder of the immediate family and learning that domestic violence was apparently a way of life among them, the judge took the unprecedented step of allowing the boy to propose who should have custody of him.

After two recesses to check legal references and confer with child welfare officials, the judge granted temporary custody to the Cronulla Sharks football team, who the boy firmly believes are not capable of beating anyone.

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Three friends all die at the same time and end up at the pearly gates where Albert Einstein is waiting for them. The first chap approached and Alby asks him "What is your IQ, my good man?"

"250" the chap replies.

"Ah excellent. We can participate in meaningful and articulate discussions with my mates Plato and Newton about the Theory of Relativity, Chaos Theory, Astrophysics and the Theory of Everything. We will have much to discuss. You may enter."

The second fellow approached the gate and Albert asks him the same question.

"150" was the reply.

"Ah good. We can discuss the fascinating subjects of History, Philosophy, Economics and Sociology. We will have much to discuss. You may enter."

The third chap approaches the gate nervously.

"Now my good man, what is your IQ?"

"50" the third man replies sheepishly. To which Alby's response was ....

"How about those Bulldogs, hey?"

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A Rabbitoh fan and a Roosters fan bump into each other in the supermarket. "Sorry, mate," says the Rabbitoh’s fan, "I'm a bit nervous, I lost my wife, can't find her anywhere." The Roosters fan replies "Gee, I can't find mine either, how about we go and look for them together?" "Sure," says the Rabbitoh fan, "what does you wife look like?" "Eh well, she's blonde, long hair, tall slim body, well tanned, large breasts and she's wearing a tight fitting low cut black dress. What does your wife look like?" "Forget about my wife," says the Rabbitoh, "let's go and look for yours!"

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The Cronulla Sharks squad just finished their pre training pep talk from Ricky. Words like passion, respect and pride were evident. The boys were pumped, ready to train the hardest they had all season.

Finally Ricky said, "Ok boys, take your usual positions on the field."

The players then grouped up and stood in their in-goal...

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Training was delayed at Toyota Park yesterday after a mysterious white substance was found on the grass. After closer inspection, and forensic testing, the results came back. The substance, unfamiliar to Sharks players, was in fact the try line.

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A man had great tickets for the Grand Final.

As he sits down, another man comes down and asks if anyone is sitting in the seat next to him.

No", he says. "The seat is empty".

"This is incredible!" said the man. "Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the Grand Final and not use it?"

He says, "Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. My wife was supposed to come with me, but she passed away. This is the first Grand Final we haven't been to together since we got married."

"Oh ... I'm sorry to hear that. That's terrible. But couldn't you find someone else, a friend or relative, or even a neighbour to take the seat?"

The man shakes his head. "No. They're all at the funeral."

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Two boys are playing football in a park near Manly Beach when one is attacked by a Rottweiler. Thinking quickly, the other boy rips off a board of the nearby fence, wedges it down the dog's collar and twists, breaking the dog's neck. A reporter who is strolling by sees the incident, and rushes over to interview the boy. 

"Parramatta fan saves friend from vicious animal", he starts writing in his notebook. "But I'm not a Parramatta fan," the boy replies. "Tigers fan rescues friend from horrific attack," the reporter starts again. "I'm not a Tigers fan either, " the boy says.

"Then what are you?" the reporter says. "I'm a Manly fan !!!" 

The reporter starts a new sheet in his notebook and writes, "Spoilt brat kills family pet".

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Two blokes from Townsville died and instead of Heaven they went to Hell. In Hell the Devil wanted the two blokes to suffer, so he turned the temperature hotter than normal. Later the Devil went to check on them and found they weren't worried by the heat. The Devil asked, "Why aren't you two hot?"

One of the blokes said, "We're from Townsville mate,we're used to heat".

So the Devil went off and thought to himself, "I can't have these 2 blokes not suffering", so he turned the heat up more and went and checked on them again, only to find them not phased at all.

The Devil was filthy that they weren't suffering by now and thought, "If I turn the temperature to freezing these Townsville blokes won't be used to the cold."   So once Hell was freezing, the Devil went to check on the 2 blokes, only to find them jumping and cheering and out loud.

The Devil asked why they were cheering when it is so cold and they were used to the heat.   The two blokes replied, "When Hell freezes over, it means one thing, the Nth Qld Cowboys have won the NRL Premiership."

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Corn Corner:

Q:  What does it mean when your wife wears a Cronulla Sharks guernsy to bed?

A:  It means you aren't going to score.

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