Friday, June 3, 2016

Funny Friday

Another Friday and time for some humour.

Hope they're plaza-worthy, Noel.

A Virginia State trooper pulled a car over on I-64 about 2 miles south of the Virginia/West Virginia State line.

When the trooper asked the driver why he was speeding, the driver said he was a Magician and Juggler and was on his way to Beckley, WV to do a show at the Shrine Circus. He didn't want to be late. 

The trooper told the driver he was fascinated by juggling and said if the driver would do a little juggling for him then he wouldn't give him a ticket. He told the trooper he had sent his equipment ahead and didn't have anything to juggle. 

The trooper said he had some flares in the trunk and asked if he could juggle them. 

The juggler said he could, so the trooper got 5 flares, lit them and handed them to him. 

While the man was juggling, a car pulled in behind the patrol car. A drunken good old boy from West Virginia got out, watched the performance briefly, then went over to the patrol car, opened the rear door and got in. The trooper observed him and went over to the patrol car and opened the door asking the drunk what he thought he was doing. 

The drunk replied, "You might as well take my ass to jail, because there ain't no way I can pass that test."

On a warm summer night, a young lady entered the butcher shop with startling news for the butcher: The baby in her arms was his. 

Nonplussed, the butcher didn't know what to do, and eventually offered the only thing he thought he could - he offered to provide her with free meat until the boy was 16. She agreed. 

He had been counting the years off on his calendar, and one day the teenager, who had been collecting the meat each week, came into the shop and said, "I'll be 16 tomorrow." 

"I know," said the butcher with a smile, "So tell your mum this’ll be the last free steak, chops and sausages she’ll get. Sand watch the expression on her face.” 

“Mister, she told me to tell you that she’s been getting free bread, milk and groceries for the past 16 years. And to watch the expression on your face.”

The young mum was having coffee with her friends when her three year old raced into the room saying “I wanna piss. I wanna piss.” Embarassed, she took him to the toilet and told him, “Next time you want to do wee-wees, don’t use that word. Come and whisper.”

Shortly thereafter the child interrupted again by rushing in, hopping from one foot to the other. “I gotta whisper. I gotta whisper.”

Well, it was something of an improvement, so his mother gave him a slice of tart.

That night, he climbed out of his cot and ran into his parents’ bedroom. Mum wasn’t there but his dad was just dozing off. “What is it, little fella?”

“I wanna whis[er, Daddy, I wanna whisper.”

“Fine, son, fine. Come and whisper in Dad’s ear.”

A man is struck by a bus on a busy street in New York City. He lies dying on the sidewalk as a crowd of spectators gathers around. “A priest. Somebody get me a priest!” the man gasps. A policeman checks the crowd; no priest, no minister, no man of God of any kind. “A PRIEST, PLEASE!” the dying man says again.

Then out of the crowd steps a little old Jewish man of at least eighty years of age. “Mr. Policeman,” says the man, “I’m not a priest, I’m not even a Catholic, but for fifty years now I’m living behind St. Elizabeth’s Catholic Church on First Avenue, and every night I’m listening to the Catholic litany. Maybe I can be of some comfort to this man.” The policeman agreed and brought the octogenarian over to where the dying man lay. He kneels down, leans over the injured and says in a solemn voice: B-4. I-19. N-38. G-54. O-72. . .”

A professor at the University of Tasmania was giving a lecture on the supernatural. 

To get a feel for his audience, he asks, "How many people here believe in ghosts?"

About 90 students raise their hands "Well, that's a good start. Out of those of you who believe in ghosts, do any of you think you've seen a ghost?"

About 40 students raise their hands. "That's really good. I'm really glad you take this seriously. Has anyone here ever talked to a ghost?"  About 15 students raise their hands. 

"Has anyone here ever touched a ghost?" 3 students raise their hands. "That's fantastic. Now let me ask you one question further... "

"Have any of you ever made love to a ghost?" Way in the back,  a male student raises his hand. 

The professor takes off his glasses, and says, "Son, all the years I've been giving this lecture no one has ever claimed to have made love to a ghost.  You've got to come up here and tell us about your experience." 

The student replied with a nod and a grin, and began to make his way up to the podium. 

When he reached the front of the room, the professor asks, "So, tell us what it's like to have sex with a ghost?" 

The student replied: "Shiiiiit! , from way back there I thought you said 'Goats'." 

A blond was walking through a forest, when she suddenly found her way blocked by a river. 

She could see no way to cross it, but she did spot another blond on the other side. 

She cupped her hands and called over "How do I get to the other side?"

The other blond called back "You're already on the other side!"

A woman walked up to a lonely man in a bar. She said "Hi, my name is Carmen". He said, "That's a pretty name". "Is it a family name?" She said "No, I gave it to myself. It's what I like best, cars and men", she then asked, "What's your name?" He replied, "B.J. Titsengolf" 


Corn Corner:

After a talking sheepdog gets all the sheep in the pen, he reports back to the farmer: “All 40 accounted for.” 
“But I only have 36 sheep,” says the farmer. 
“I know,” says the sheepdog. “But I rounded them up.” 

(Boom boom tchh)

We need a 12-step group for compulsive talkers. They could call it On Anon Anon.

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